What Guys Think When You Want Kinky Sex | In the Know with F.L.O.

13
Nov

Wait…that doesn’t belong there:

Lots of guys are into “kinky” sex. Probably even more so than women. But, when a guy starts figuring out they are in a relationship with a woman that prefers her sex served with whips, chains, and handcuffs, there are definitely some thoughts that run through his head. Here’s what guys think when you want kinky sex.

1. OK, but you need to specify just how kinky. ​Because it means a lot of different things for a lot of different people. For some people, it’s “light spanking.” For others, it’s, “I dress up in a latex Power Ranger suit while you put on a fox costume and piss on me.” I just need to know because if it’s the latter, I need to pick up my fox costume at the dry cleaner and it’s kind of out of the way … Well, no. Obviously, I go to a local dry cleaner near my home. I don’t inconvenience myself for no reason. I’m just at the mall right now so it’s not on the way to your house … Listen, it doesn’t matter where I go to get dry cleaning done, just answer the question … It’s a yes or no question: Am I pissing on you? … OK, fine, that just means I’m going to be, like, 15 minutes late.

​2. What are the ground rules here? ​I’m just saying, if we’re getting weird, I don’t want to find out that I metaphorically ran one of your weirdness stop signs.

3. We need a safety word. Something we would never say during sex. ​How about “this sucks”?

4. Wait, I thought I was tying ​you​ up. ​We can’t both dominate each other at the same time. Then we’d both be tied up and that’s basically the plot of Stephen King’s ​Gerald’s Game​. That’s the one where the woman gets stuck handcuffed to a bed for days.

5. Quick question: has this been used? ​Yeah, being unsanitary is kinky, but it’s the bad kind of kinky. I just want to make sure you washed this stuff first.

6. Oh, man, this would be a good time to kill me. ​I don’t think you will, but I’m tied up and vulnerable. I guess that’s the sexy part? Knowing you could murder me and trusting you not to.

7. I’m pretty into this. ​I’m OK with that, but is this like a secret society? Do we get cards or a handshake?

8. Great. Sex went from free to super expensive. ​Sex went from being a hobby like “watching TV” to a hobby like golf. I guess I will start setting back 15% of my paycheck for sex toys.

9. I’d buy you a standing harness but I don’t think my bedroom is big enough. ​We need a bigger apartment. WE NEED A BIGGER APARTMENT TO FUCK IN.

10. Where did you learn this? I mean, this is our first time doing this stuff, and you seem awfully experienced. Did you live a life of a dominatrix before me? How many guys have you tied up exactly?

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Originally published at www.forladiesonlyparty.com on November 13, 2015.

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