How to be a Better Parent? Raise Your Self-Esteem

My grandfather was a farmer grew up in the 50s in China and my father was the youngest of six children. They were dirt poor. Having rice on the table was a luxury, most family only had meat on New Year’s Eve. My father left home at 16, became an apprentice of a famous local construction master.
He saved enough money to open his own shoe shop right in his living room. From there, he became a multi-millionaire. He grew his living room shop into a factory that employed 1000 people and then he lost it all(a story for another day).
One day, I asked him, “father, why did you choose to be a shoemaker? He was silent and puzzled. He used the common excuse he often used “you are too little to understand anything”. At that time, he developed an alcohol problem. He was on the edge of divorcing my mother. His business was taking a downturn, and I was more and more distanced from him on an emotional level. Even though I was too young to understand, I knew he was angry and unhappy. So unhappy that he created a prison that he could not escape.
My daughter is almost four and she is one of the most innocent, sweet, pure human being I have ever met. But still, I have days I don’t want to do parenting. I have days which feel long, depressing, and endless. The chore seems endless, the whining seems endless. At night, after I put her down for the night, and before I go to bed, I find a bit peace and time for myself.
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Changed My Way of Parenting
I have read books on parenting. One struck me by surprise is Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Dr. Branden has a Ph.D. in psychology from the California Graduate Institute (CGI). He had also written many books on esteem such as The Disowned Self, Breaking Free, Honoring the Self, etc.
The six pillars of self-esteem are the practice of living consciously, the practice of self-acceptance, the practice of self-responsibility, the practice of self-assertiveness, the practice of living purposefully, the practice of personal integrity.
He started by clarifying the meaning of self-esteem. He wrote: “Self-esteem is an experience. It is a particular way of experiencing the self. It is a good deal more than a mere feeling ….to move toward life rather than away from it; to move toward consciousness rather than away from it; to treat facts with respect rather than denial; to operate self-responsibly rather than the opposite.” You can read the full article here.
The Practice of Living Consciously
Being conscious, in other words, being aware is ever so scarce with the invention of the smart device. Facebook provides virtual validation. It’s impossible to lift our head and enjoy the present moment.
I was that mom, and I still am sometimes. The first thing I do when my daughter does something awesome is taking out my phone and take a picture/video. I know, I know, the precious moment will never return, and your baby is growing so fast, we all get nostalgic.
I get it. I open my phone after my daughter goes to sleep so I can see how cute she is. Ridiculous? I know. In doing so, we escape the present moment and fall into the trap of seeking external validations.
Living consciously means to live in the present moment, it’s much easier said than done. I noticed I was streaming Netflix for hours on end. Our brain on TV is the same as the brain wave as sleeping. Taking in information passively may seem like a nice leisure activity, but it’s also a way of escaping reality. Thus, we are not living consciously while we distract ourselves from the present moment.
Paying attention to your body is also a huge part of living consciously. Notice how are you feeling right now, is your body tensed? relaxed? Can you feel the muscles on your feet? Your hands? Are you breathing deeply? Are you thinking without controlled by your thoughts?
I made a few changes to my life when I notice I was distracting myself:
- I canceled Netflix. Sorry, Netflix, I love and hate you. It’s too easy to turn on the TV and stream for hours, and the shows are so good. I still have Amazon Prime Video, which was included in my Amazon Prime membership. But I am much more aware when I buy/rent a movie on Prime, and Melody and I still do movies nights, and I tend to think a bit more before I click “watch now”.
- I deleted the Facebook app. Facebook is a time-sucking black hole. The next I know, I lost two hours to cat videos and baby biting fingers.
- I turned off the audio program while I am driving. I am a huge fan of audiobooks, I use Audible for books. Let’s face it, we are all busy. It’s a time saving and filling in the gaps while my eyes are on the road. But I notice that how important it is to listen to your thoughts. Let your thoughts express herself, engage in your thoughts, and let it free flow. By doing so, you give your brain a rest, you open up space for new ideas to come.
- I leave my phone in the car when I take my daughter to the park. Instead, I bring my awareness and full attention, I know I will never get the moments back, thus, I give myself fully to the moment.
The Practice of Self-Acceptance
Accept oneself is knowing an imperfect self, see it for what it is, and love one completely. A wise man once said, to love, one must love self first because one can’t give away what he/she doesn’t have. And to love your child, you need to love yourself first, to love yourself, you need to accept yourself. Have you ever said any mean things to yourself in your head? like “why am I so fat/stupid/slow/?” We say the worst thing to ourselves that we will never say to a stranger. Love yourself first, see yourself for who you are, one can’t give away what they don’t have.
The Practice of Self-Responsibility
You are the creator, and you are responsible for everything that ever happened in your life. This doesn’t mean that misfortune doesn’t happen and that you are the cause of your misfortune. But your attitude and how you handle your misfortune is up to you.
My daughter is not a very good sleeper. Occasionally she will sleep through the night, but for the past four years, she wakes up at least once during the night. I am a very light sleeper, and I get very grumpy if I don’t get a good night sleep. I was a zombie because of lack of sleep, I was exhausted. I am a single mother, occasionally my family step in and help, but most of the time, it was just Melody and me. I could choose to be exhausted and miserable, or I could choose to figure out a solution and get on with our lives. I made a choice that I will not let anything get in between the happiness of my daughter and me, so I took nap whenever she did, I put a glass of water on my nightstand, and I put a night light in her room so she can get up and go on the toilet by herself.
Being bitter and exhausted is one way to live, being happy and joyous is also a way to live.
The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
In the book Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, “To practice self-assertiveness is to live authentically, to speak and act from my innermost convictions and feelings — as a way of life, as a rule.” As we grow up, we change from blissful to self-conscious. We hold our tongue when we need to speak up. We change our opinion because it is not a popular opinion. We change the way we look, change the things we love because people’s disapprove.
Mark Manson wrote, what is TRUE about you TODAY that would make your 8-year-old self cry? This question hit me so hard, and my answer would be that I used to spend hours writing, not because of anything but I loved it. I used to sing, I loved music, I loved to dance. I don’t sing or dance much anymore, although Melody is a huge fan of singing and dancing, and I am a huge fan of hers, and I intend to cultivate her interests in music and dance. But I start to write again. This blog is putting love into me as much as I am putting time into her.
Self-assertiveness is living authentically, speak up, let your voice heard. Same as when you are with your children, be honest, keep your promise, but also stand your ground.
The Practice of Living Purposefully
Living purposefully is to set a goal and achieve it, is to know yourself fully, to know who you are, what you want, and going after it. Goals can be materialistic, and it can be spiritual. Your goal could be making more money, having a good relationship, helping the community, and making the world a better place. No matter what your goal is, to live purposefully, first, you have to know yourself. Set a time, with you and your thoughts, ask yourself, what’s my goal? What’s my life purpose? To sail in the vast sea of life without a destination is sad and lonely, life is vast and easy to get lost. To set a goal, first you must ask yourself, what actions have I taken? And what additional actions should I take to achieve my goal?
We want our kids to succeed, let’s set an example for them.
The Practice of Personal Integrity
Integrity is the fuel that powers the purpose of life. To live with integrity means to aline all parts of your life towards a goal. It’s being honest and genuine when dealing with people, it’s to listen to people’s problems with your full attention and empathy, it’s to never gossip, to cultivate a home environment of openness and trustworthiness.
It’s an Ongoing Process
If the practice doesn’t last, why should I bother improving upon myself? Well, the bath doesn’t last, that’s why we take it every day. It’s going to be an ongoing process, and you are never alone, you are always welcomed to leave a comment here on this blog!
Tell me what’s the first of six pillars you’d like to work on and why! I know for me, I am going to practice self-assertiveness, that’s why I started writing again.
Leave a comment below.
This post contains affiliate links, meaning I will earn a small commission when you purchase via the link, at no additional cost to you. to read the full statement here.
Please follow and like us:
Originally published at jessicajacobson.net on September 5, 2018.