This feeling of loss of the wonderful is something with which apostates also grapple. Challenging is the journey to find new truths to fill the hole where there once smoldered the Everlasting Gospel of Jesus Christ, but they are out there, outside of Mormonism, in fact they are many. Buddhism and the Way were my first substitutes, then later I discovered cognitive behavioral therapy, existentialism, and humanism.
My soul is filled with light again, brighter than I’ve ever known.
I also went through a phase of longing to include my institutional background into my worldview, despite my increasing skepticism. However, the more knowledge you dig up, as though treasures found in 19th-century forests of upstate New York, the more the narrative of Mormonism fails to explain how it fits with everything else we know to be true about this grand universe. It is a doomed project for the truth seeker to save this ideology in any form acceptable to the apostles and prophets that lead its premier church.
Eventually, the greatest expression of one’s increasing knowledge is to leave what is false behind. The transhumanists may figure out how to make an evidence-based Mormonism work with a dose of mental gymnastics and fantastical flourish that would make Scientologists blush, but I doubt anyone else has the wherewithal. Best of luck in your search for higher truth, in any case, and thanks for writing!