Tweaking Drift.com’s welcome email

This morning, I read Dave Gerhardt’s fantastic post on writing killer product copy. As a product writer myself, it’s great to see tech startups focusing on writing. Great product and marketing copy really does deliver results. It drives more leads and more conversions. Equally important, great writing can mean the difference between people liking your product and loving it.

In Mr. Gerhardt’s post, he calls out Drift’s welcome email as a great example of email writing. Here it is:

via Dave Gerhardt

I really like this email. It’s short, conversational, personal and to the point. But it could be a little better. Let’s take a look.

Thanks for checking out Drift.

A great start.

Our mission here is to help you know, grow, and amaze your customers.

I like how Drift starts with their mission and keeps it very short. I also like adding “here” to the sentence — this subtly turns what could be a dry line into a conversational one.

Today, customers are using Drift to measure NPS and send product announcements inside of their web apps and via email.

This line is a little hard to unpack — as someone who doesn’t use Drift, I had to read it a couple times. “Measuring NPS” and “sending product announcements” are very different things, so I think they should do more work explaining their offering even if it makes the email longer. I’d break it down into more than one sentence like this:

Today, customers are using Drift to measure NPS via email and inside of their web apps. They also love it for sending product announcements.

Note that I reversed “inside of their web apps” and “via email” because generally you want the shortest clause to go first. It reads faster that way.

Here’s a one minute video that shows how NPS works for example. Our product manager Matt does a better job explaining it than I can here over email :)

I love the short video callout. Nothing is better than a visual demonstration, especially a short visual demonstration. But dropping a few words could make this line more conversational:

Here’s a one minute video that shows how measuring NPS works. Our product manager Matt does a better job explaining it than I can over email. :)

What changed? No more “for example” and “here.” I also added “measuring” to emphasize the product benefit, plus a period (can’t forget proper punctuation).

I like the emoji — they work well in emails without any HTML styling. This is how regular people write. You just can’t overuse them or your email will feel juvenile (the same is true for exclamation points).

If this sounds like something you might be interested in, we should grab some time to chat and I can walk you through the product.

I like the tone here. Notice how it softens the request… “you might be” instead of “you will be” and “I can walk you” instead of “I will walk you.” This less aggressive voice makes a more positive impression. My only advice? Replace “we should” with “let’s.”

Or you can hop in on one of our weekly product webinars and see everything in a group setting.

I see what the email is going for here — it’s contrasting the personal chat with the group format of a webinar. Maybe this is supposed to feel more comfortable for the introverts among us? But I think they should explain the value of the webinar instead.

Or, hop on one of our weekly product webinars and see how [value prop].

That would be shorter and more compelling.