Why do I feel worse every time I go to see a medical staff?
Anytime I go to the doctor I need all day (and even more) to recover, it’s not only that the environment is hostile to me, the artificial lights, the social protocols, and the endless waiting, it’s also the medical trauma that is reflected in me.
This week I went to take out some blood, something routinely in me every three months, Do I need to be used to this? No, I don´t and probably I never will. The hours of fasting, being on the verge of a panic attack and a dysautonomia event looming, all this while the nurse was looking for the vein… My arm constantly looks like a victim of very voracious vampires.
When I left, I sat in the car and cried, I cried with frustration, I cried with pain, something so easy for others is terribly difficult for me.
Last month, after years on the waiting list in the public system, they finally called me to cardiology. That’s a new doctor for me, which adds a lot of stress and anguish, but that day was worse:
I arrive at the hospital, with my crutches I cross a sea of people, I think about the urgency of social distancing, I get to the elevator, it is full, again the sea of people affects me. I finally get to the cardiology floor and wait my turn at reception, then I sit down. Almost two hours later they finally called me to cardiology, but I had already endured enough, in between a person turned on the music at full volume, with hyperacusis I tried to endure as much as possible (I was using my earplugs and still hearing the music). In the end, I had to get up and cordially tell they to please turn it down, they didn’t.
So, after all that I went into the doctor ‘s office with a panic attack and crying, everything that happened had ended my nerves. To the new doctor I must tell all my diagnoses, treatments, and all in between again, as if they didn’t have already all my medical info in the hospital system. I meet someone who dismisses my symptoms as not relevant, my worries as ephemeral and tries to educate me on autism (why I don´t know), after all that gives me an order for exams, and I leave.
I cry again even more, frustrated, I feel disbelieved, What do I have to live for a doctor to take me seriously? That month I saw a lot of medical staff half of it, and only the ones I see regularly take me seriously. This is not something that I live alone, it is a reality that the chronically ill and the majority of some of the neurodiverse community live everyday as well.
Some doctors are experts at invalidating or ignoring the concerns and experiences of their patients (medical gaslighting), which can ultimately cause the experience of traumatic stress because of interactions with medical personnel or their facilities, or in other words: Medical trauma.
I think that what is missing as a first step is understanding and empathy on the part of the medical staff of society and ourselves.
On that note I think that we need to advocate for ourselves as well as taking care of our welfare, that’s why I took the day of when I go to see any type of medical staff.
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