Tell the truth Missy. The reason you be goin’ to them parties with Necie is because you wanna talk to other guys right? That’s gotta be it, right?
That ain’t it.
Stop lyin’ girl! You needa stop hangin’ out with her.
I didn’t want much from life. I was much too dulled from years of being alone — however, I figured out sometimes your life is better that way.
I don’t care that much for you anymore Jerome, but I ain’t gonna go out and fuck with other people! You should know that. You should know me. You know what, I can’t do this anymore. I’d rather be alone than to deal with this shit. Bye.
Where the fuck you goin’, huh? Back to that bitch’s house again.
She ain’t ‘that bitch’ she’s Necie. And why do you care?
Jerome wasn’t the first person I loved — so I wondered why he wanted me to be his last.
Ay! I’m talking you girl. Every time I ask you about this shit you wanna run away. You act like you love that bitch or somethin’ What you gay now or somethin’?
And so what if I am. She’s the only person I love, Jerome. It’s gotta be her or it ain’t gonna work Jerome.
When I first felt his hand on my shoulder, I wondered how I never saw how evil he was. How I blamed myself for being so blind at first, only to realize later that I couldn’t really stop him from his own delusions. When he put his hands around my neck and didn’t let go, I yelled at him to let me go. I wanted him to let go so I could be in her arms again, alive.
Why are you always going over here, huh? I’m yo motha-fuckin’ boyfriend. I’m the one who should be with you, not her. She can’t give you nothin’. You really think she gonna get wit you now? Huh? You been leading me on this how time?
I don’t what I did wrong? Did I deserve to die?
You should just be quiet, stop all that damn screaming! You runnin’ around here on me and you wanna cry?
I just wanted to be loved.
The Necie’s house was a mystical place when I was younger.
Mystical, as in was a place of comfort, simplicity, wonder. So simplistic that I had called it my second home for ten years. My parents were gone and sister had a life of her own to live, so I was alone most of the time. That’s probably why Jerome found me so attractive, because I was so vulnerable and isolated. He wanted a young girl he could play with, and I was ignorant enough to think he was what I wanted.
“Yo Jerome! Get yo ass off her! Hey Dev, call the cops man!”
I was born to Jamaican parents who moved to New York for a new life and opportunities. I felt like was letting them down with how I was wasting the life they gave me.
“So you wanna hit women nigga?”
“Necie chill! If you do that they gonna arrest you too!”
“Nah Dev you see what he tried to do to Missy? This nigga can die for all I care! Get his ass before he tries run away. Oh shit, Missy. She ain’t movin’ man! He killed Missy Dev!”
I’m not in the position where even somewhat happiness is attainable.
“Baby girl, just open your eyes for me. Everything will be okay if you open your eyes.”
I can’t forget it. I can’t forget him. I can’t forget his eyes; I can’t forget the look on Necie’s face.
When her hands cradled me in her arms, I wondered if I was really going to die. I always wanted to tell how much I loved her — how much she meant to me; how much I wanted to be her girlfriend, and not her best-friend.
I never got to tell her that, and I regret it a lot.