Hard Boiled 辣手神探
Trying not to trip over plot holes as I head full blast into John Woo 吳宇森’s bullet-ridden Hong Kong swan song, starring Chow Yun-fat 周潤發.
This poster. It’s just magnificent, isn’t it?
So here we are. The last John Woo 吳宇森 x Chow Yun-fat 周潤發 heroic bloodshed collab. Except this time, instead of glamourizing gangsters, we’re glorifying cops! There’s the bad-ass, no-nonsense cop who drinks too much and cares too little about the chain of command, and the undercover agent, who’s determined to complete his final mission and wash the blood off his hands. Both believe they’re the only ones who can take down the Big Bad, a ruthless gun-smuggling mobster who’s intent on killing anyone who gets in his way. And I mean, anyone. He might as well be a psychopath who poisons babies! Oh wait, that was the original plotline. No lie. Tony Leung 梁朝偉 was supposed to play that villain when that idea was conceived, but due to scheduling conflicts and Hollywood execs being completely appalled, the screenplay was rewritten. In fact, it went through constant changes throughout the film, and guys, it shows. This thing has more plot holes than bullet holes, so I can’t say I enjoyed it as much as the others. But. The. Spectacle. It is really impressive when you realize how this was made before everything just relied on CGI. Real practical effects and stuntwork? Whaaat? And while it doesn’t have as much flare or heart as The Killer 喋血雙雄, it’s got more than enough explosive gunplay and kinetic energy to keep most entertained. Also, babies. They don’t get poisoned, but they do get shot at! On that note…
Plot summary from IMDb:
A tough-as-nails cop teams up with an undercover agent to shut down a sinister mobster and his crew.
The “tough-as-nails cop” is Tequila Yuen (played by CYF). Yes, that is his name. His drink of choice? Vodka.
…Not!
(Did I just make a not-joke? Indeed I did. What is this, 1992? Actually, yes. That is when this movie came out, so I am totally in the zeitgeist.)
Tequila’s drink of choice is a tequila slammer. I had to look that up. I thought it was tequila and soda. Like Schweppes Cream Soda. Yeah, I saw “Schweppes” on the can and that was my first thought. As a kid, when I asked for a can of pop, I’d get handed a 「忌廉梳打」(Schweppes Cream Soda), which for the longest time, I thought was “Ginger Ale” in English because of the colour. Nope, very different. But really, it’s not that farfetched considering the fact that in Hong Kong, they like to mix Schweppes Cream Soda with milk. I’ve never tried.
Anyway, back to Inspector Tequila Yuen.
The jazz bar is where Tequila likes to cut loose. Unbound by rules and unburdened by hierarchy. Here, the tequila and Tequila flow freely.
But on the streets… it’s not that much different actually. Tequila does what he thinks is right, everyone else be damned! Admittedly, he is less chill, but when you’ve got endless rounds of bullets coming at you and you think everyone around you sucks at their job, it’s hard to keep a smile on your face.
Tequila and his partner, Benny (played by Bowie Lam 林保怡), arrive at a bird teahouse for some early morning dim sum to catch a group of gun smugglers. Unfortunately, most of the patrons there are wearing white, so… you know dim sum ain’t the only thing that’s gonna get served.
The leader of the gang shows up. As Tequila keeps his eye on them, he also notices another dude’s been been sitting in the wings (hehe), watching the deal unfold from another table. Suddenly, one of the servers, who’s actually a cop, rolls on up and knocks the birdcage off the gang’s table.
But then that other dude who’s been watching gets up and starts opening fire, and we get out first shootout of the movie. There is no care about getting any civilians out of the way. Tequila just goes for the two guns and keeps blasting back at the gunmen. He rolls! He leaps! He slides down a bannister!!!!!
He also ends up killing the gang leader. And he does it all without ever losing the toothpick in his mouth.
That is, until Benny gets shot up with hail of bullets right before his very eyes by the shooter that started it all. Hell-bent on revenge, Tequila chases after him into the kitchen…
Tequila’s superior, Superintendent Pang (played by Philip Chan 陳欣健), is furious at his recklessness. Not only did his partner end up dead and a ton of innocent people got hurt, but the guy that’s now dead in the kitchen was also a key witness that they needed alive. To be fair, that guy did start shooting up the place and actually killed a police officer, so I don’t know if you can really get mad at Tequila for that. His carelessness for the lives of innocents though… that’s a bigger deal to me, and I would think, even worth getting suspended, if not fired for, or at least put under psychiatric evaluation?! But no. As with all these movies, the HKPF aren’t particularly competent. Also, mental health isn’t a thing in Chinese culture anyway. Although… I gotta remember, this is the early ’90s, so I can’t look at this through a woke 2020 lens. Otherwise, I should be questioning the lack of social distancing and face masks too. But they seem so ahead of their time in this; the HKPF have computers! The Baltimore PD didn’t even have them in 2002!
Oh, and y’know the gang leader that Tequila killed? He was actually an undercover agent. *sigh* Guys, NEVER take a job as an undercover cop with the HKPF. It never ends well.
Anyhow, let’s meet Alan (played by Tony Leung 梁朝偉, who is basically like a Baby CYF here in his cool sunglasses and killer gangster vibe).
Alan is the trusted assassin of triad boss, Uncle Hoi (played by Kwan Hoi-san 關海山). He lives at the marina, and every time he kills someone, he folds a paper crane that he hangs in his boat. Johnny Wong (played by Anthony Wong 黃秋生), the leader of a rival syndicate, is impressed with Alan and wants him on his side. He is very forward about his interest, and Alan seems pretty quick to accept, which I don’t know, doesn’t make him seem all that trustworthy but I have no triad experience so what do I know about gang relations! Johnny’s enforcer, Mad Dog (played by Philip Kwok 郭追), is a bit more skeptical.
Meanwhile, Tequila continues working on the gun smuggling case. At police headquarters, he butts heads with not only Pang, but also Teresa Chang (played by Teresa Mo 毛舜筠), a fellow police officer with whom he clearly has an on-off thing. Teresa keeps receiving roses from a mysterious stranger, which makes Tequila jealous. Little does he know, they’re from an undercover agent who writes coded messages in the notecards that she decodes and passes on to Pang.
One afternoon, Tequila accosts Johnny on the street and declares that he will take him down, which I guess is meant to be bad-ass, but just seems brash to me. Isn’t that just putting a target on your back? Alan jumps in and pistol whips Tequila. Shortly after, Pang receives another message from his undercover agent. He immediately orders Tequila to lay off the case. Tequila refuses to listen. If you’re like me and you didn’t read the plot summary before watching the movie, you’ll start to wonder if Alan is the undercover agent. (He is.)
Hot off a tip from his C.I., Foxy (played by Tung Wei 董玮), Tequila gears up to go to Hoi’s warehouse of illegal activity and arsenal, which Johnny and his gang are planning to raid. He goes alone, with no back-up. Alone. To a warehouse full of weapons. To confront an entire gang of criminals. With no back-up. He was planning on doing this even before he was told to back off, and his subordinates had even asked if he needed back-up and he’s all, nahhh, it’s not like we’re going to war. I… Okay, fine! Whatever. I know I said this movie is full of plot holes and I don’t know why even as I’m recapping this that I’m trying to make sense of things. Let’s just get to the explosions and bodies and bullets flying!
So, that night, Johnny and his Mighty Roast Ducks race to Hoi’s warehouse.
On the way there, Johnny tells Alan that if he really is serious about joining forces with him, he’ll have to kill Hoi. Alan’s all, yeah no probs, but he looks out the car window all conflicted. Everyone else? Totes cool to just commit murder and mayhem.
My personal favourites:
My personal hero:
With everyone in the warehouse wiped out, Johnny orders his men to move the guns out. Hoi shows up with his men, and the two gangs come to a standoff. Because he’s old school and still expects a modicum of honour and integrity in the game, Hoi orders his guys to put their guns down. But as we know from The Killer 喋血雙雄, the new kids on the block just don’t respect the rules in the same way anymore. Hoi even tells Johnny that it’s okay if he dies, but to please spare his men. He then asks for a word with Alan. He admits he knew this day would come being in the business he’s in, but he would’ve never guessed that Alan would betray him. Regardless, he’d rather Alan be the one to shoot him than to be gunned down by these randos. Alan is clearly fond of the old man and truly doesn’t want to, but he’s got bigger fish to fry as an undercover agent, so he pulls the trigger and kills Hoi. Then he takes out the rest of Hoi’s men too. Johnny is most pleased and ready to call it a night, but then…
I really don’t get Tequila’s intentions/motivations here. Like, as a cop, he just wants to murder all these bad guys instead of making arrests? Sorry, I’m doing it again. Embrace the chaos, Valentine!!!
Loose threads? Lapses in logic? Fuck ’em!
Yeah! Okay! Gimme more destruction and explosions!!!
Wooooo! More slow motion dives and dodges!!!
Then, in the midst of all the dust and smoke, our two anti-heroes meet gun-to-face. Tequila wastes no time and fires, but uh-oh, no more bullets… Alan smirks. Tequila looks back at him hard, but just as he’s about to accept his fate, Alan pulls his gun away and runs off, smug as a bug.
Alan retreats to his boat to recover and work through his feelings. (Does this include frustration with gaps in the narrative? I’m projecting, aren’t I?)
Tequila storms into Pang’s office to confront him about Alan. Pang refuses to admit anything so Tequila’s like, cool, so it won’t matter then if I kill him the next time I see him? Pang tries to pull rank, which never worked before so why would it work now? He reasons some sacrifices have to be made to fight crime and Tequila calls him out on his bullshit. Later on, Pang meets with Alan and promises that if things get too dangerous, he’ll pull him out. Ugh, they say that and they never do.
Back on the boat…
Tequila proposes the two team up and bring down Johnny together, but they’re interrupted by remaining members of Hoi’s gang.
Despite getting shot in the back, Alan is completely unphased by it(!?) as he and Tequila jump to action.
Hoi’s guy tries to run off, but Tequila chases him down.
As Alan climbs out from the water, he sees Johnny and the Mighty Roast Ducks from a distance. He urges Tequila to split before they arrive. Tequila asks how they’ll get in touch. Alan tells him he’ll send him a paper crane.
Johnny takes Alan to the hospital, which is odd because triad assassins usually need to get the bullets out themselves. He tells the nurse he doesn’t want any record of Alan’s injuries… He doesn’t threaten her or anything, so is he like an important donor? Is there a Johnny Wong Wing? Anyhow, Johnny also discloses to Alan that it was Foxy who told Hoi’s men where to find him, and that he’s been leaking info to the cops. He vows to kill him, especially since he also knows where his arsenal is hidden. Alan stresses he’ll handle him.
Cut to Mad Dog beating the crap out of Foxy while Johnny watches. Alan then takes over and shoots Foxy, but not before secretly slipping a lighter into his breast pocket to help stop the bullet. Uh, he is a very good shot.
Meanwhile, Tequila’s at the jazz bar, chatting with the owner and his mentor, Mr. Woo (yep, played by John Woo 吳宇森). Apparently, a bunch of CYF’s scenes got cut with all the rewrites, which left the actor feeling like his character was a little thin. He’s not wrong. So he asked John Woo to add a mentor character, which Woo himself would play, so he’d be less inclined to cut these scenes. Ha! Anyway, Foxy stumbles in and as Tequila holds him in his arms, he wheezes the location of Johnny’s arsenal: the hospital.
Johnny gets a call and finds out that Foxy’s still alive and he’s at the hospital with Tequila. Alan assures him that he can take care of both of them. Johnny concedes, but while Alan stops by a florist, he instructs Mad Dog to bring reinforcements to ensure the job gets done.
Foxy makes it out of surgery and informs Tequila that Johnny’s gun cache is in the basement. When a nurse enters the room to give Foxy his meds and hands him a paper crane, Tequila hustles to move Foxy somewhere safer.
Alan approaches Foxy’s room with a box of roses under his arm. He pauses, realizing a couple Mighty Roast Ducks are watching him. Then…
Alan demands to know where Johnny’s gun cache is being kept as he went to a lot of trouble trying to keep Foxy alive, but Tequila refuses to tell him. In a room across the hall, Foxy freaks out and tries to wheel the hell outta the hospital on his own. Unfortunately, he gets caught.
Oh yeah, all the guards at the hospital are Johnny’s men too.
Tequalan realize that Foxy’s been killed. Following the trail of blood, they run after Mad Dog and discover that the guns are being transported through the morgue. Tequila instructs Teresa to call Pang, and to start moving patients out of the hospital when she receives his signal — he’ll send her flowers. He secretly slips a rose in her pocket, which… feels overly complicated, but great for dramatic effect I guess? She’s going to have to do it anyway? Unless the rose will stop a bullet too? Okay, someone please insert more action so that I can stop trying to make sense of things!
Tequalan swiftly take out the morgue workers. Some quick detective work leads them to a hidden passageway behind a set of morgue refridgerator doors. Unfortunately, they can’t figure out how to open the vault to the cache. A failed attempt leads Alan to almost electrocute himself to death, sparking flashes of Benny getting shot in Tequila’s mind. It works though. As Tequila tries to get Alan’s heart beating again, the door opens, revealing Mad Dog waiting on the other side. While he shoots at them at first, he’s way more effective with his bare hands and boots.
Tequalan get their asses handed to them. Yet despite being surrounded by guns, no one shoots anyone to death here. Mad Dog takes the opportunity to tell Alan how much he hates cops and people who kill their own bosses. Fair. He has a point. Johnny, having just arrived at the hospital, watches them on the security cam, and in typical villain fashion, orders the guards to release gas into the basement. Mad Dog notices and quickly makes his escape. He shoots the control panel and the door closes behind him, trapping Tequalan inside.
Upstairs, Pang has arrived, along with a bunch of C.I.D. Teresa finds the rose in her pocket. She smashes the glass to the fire alarm to force everyone outside. Johnny sees the staff and patients trying to get away and enforces a full lockdown. He orders his men to stop people from leaving. They oblige… by shooting them all!?!?
The police arrive and surround the building, but Johnny doesn’t give a shit. He commands the Mighty Roast Ducks to hold everyone hostage and scoffs at the wimpy .38s the cops carry. Then he mocks Tequalan over the intercom, threatening to blow up the entire hospital. Mad Dog suggests Johnny let the patients go since he’s already winning, plus there are some lines he doesn’t think they should cross. Johnny DGAF.
Tequalan find some C4 and decide to blast their way out. The gas seems to have no effect on them whatsoever. The two have a heart-to-heart. What’s a John Woo movie without two guys bonding over their dreams and beliefs before a lengthy final shootout?! As Alan has a brief moment of self-pity, Tequila chides him gently, reminding him that there are hundreds of innocent people who need their help. Alan remarks that he became a cop to protect innocent people, but ended up killing a bunch, and how when get out of the police academy, the only job posting was for an undercover cop in a triad gang. LOL, wait, what? The only job posting?! I… okay, less talking, more shooting please. Please.
I mean, look at this beauty!
Alan takes down a uniformed guard and poses as him. With a gun to Tequila’s head, he enters the lobby, where some of the Mighty Roast Ducks are holding a bunch of people hostage, including Pang, Teresa, and a few C.I.D. members. The cops clue in very quickly.
Tequalan take the Mighty Roast Ducks in the lobby out while Pang, Teresa, and the C.I.D. usher the staff and patients out. In another part of the hospital, Special Unit crashes in and starts firing. Teresa hurries to the maternity ward to save the newborns that are still there. She gets help from Special Unit, but the exits are blocked by fire so they’re forced to get creative.
Tequalan continue to fuck shit up in an epic nearly-three-minute tracking shot that includes Alan accidentally killing a C.I.D. and an elevator ride that gave the crew 20 seconds to redress the set to look like a different floor. They run into Mad Dog. This time, they’re settling it with gunfire and hurling their bodies through doors and glass.
Teresa and Special Unit struggle to get the babies out safely. They get ambushed by a few Mighty Roast Ducks.
Tequila leaves Alan to help Teresa with the remaining babies. Finally, it’s Teresa’s turn to climb out the window, but suddenly, a baby wails. Oh no, they forgot one! Tequila goes to grab the last newborn as more Mighty Roast Ducks show up.
Tequila manages to take them out, but also ends up taking a bullet. The baby remains unharmed.
Meanwhile, Alan and Mad Dog go at it one-on-one — until they find themselves in a standoff with a group of nurses and patients caught in the middle. They both put their weapons down and urge the innocent bystanders to leave.
Except Johnny comes around the corner and sees Alan and just starts firing, killing the nurses and patients in the process. Mad Dog is stunned. He stops his boss, shooting the weapon out of his hand. Johnny ain’t havin’ it and kills Mad Dog.
Alan, badly wounded, runs into Tequila with the baby. The two confront Johnny, who holds a remote detonator in his hand. He runs offs, knowing Tequalan won’t shoot him. Alan refuses to leave with Tequila and goes after Johnny, who presses the button on his detonator, setting off bombs all over the hospital. Ohhhhh shit. Tequila rushes down the corridor, clutching the baby close to his chest, flames bursting behind him.
Surrounded by flames on the third floor and unable to get to the stairway, Tequila tucks the baby under his jacket, yanks a set of cables from the ceiling, and makes a run for the window. A jet of flames hits him and his pants catch fire. He struggles to stamp it out but then, as if by magic, the flame gradually extinguishes. Because the baby starts peeing. Guys! The baby! Pisses! The fire! Out!
Time to LTFO (Leap The Fuck Out).
But they ain’t out of harm’s way just yet. Because MORE! EX! PLO! SIONS!
Tequila makes it back to the cops outside safely. But then, Johnny emerges from the fire, dragging Alan with him. He trash talks while holding a gun to Alan’s head, forcing Tequila humiliate himself. Tired of the bullshit, Alan takes matters into his own hands and shoots himself in the stomach, giving Tequila a clear shot… right into Johnny’s eye!
And, as expected, the undercover cop also dies.
Psych! (One last ’90s reference for good measure.)
And heck, YOU TOO, CYF!!!
THE END.
Holy geez, that was insane. On second viewing/while GIF-making, I really came to appreciate the action sequences of this movie. It was reckless, relentless, and ridiculous, and that is damn impressive.
