Let Teens Suffer… And Figure It Out

As parents, it is very hard to witness your teen suffer. Your reflex is either to build a shield around them or give them the solution.

Think twice before letting your instinct take over. Wouldn’t it be better for your teenager to learn by himself/herself how to cope with life’s adversities?

It is very difficult to let your children make their own mistakes. Any parent wants to smooth over their kid’s tough situations. Not trying to make it easier means you don’t care. But, at the same time, not letting them struggle means that you act more for yourself than for your kid.

Teens face a lot of challenges every day: friendships, peers pressure, romantic relationships, sexuality, illegal drugs, social media, academic and parents’ pressure, etc.

It’s tempting to give them a solution. You have personally been through many of these same situations, and the right choice is often clear to you.

1- Keep in mind that teens almost never listen to parents.

2- It is nearly impossible for them to believe you were once just like them.

3- They certainly don’t want to even think that they can be like you were.

How to find the right balance between letting your kid struggle long enough to figure it out, yet know when to step in during situations that could potentially jeopardize their mental or physical safety? You want to step in only when they cannot handle the situation.

One way to help is by focusing on problem-solving. Try to ask your teen what he or she thinks would be the best way to handle a problem. See if you can help him or her think of several possible solutions, and guide him/her in thinking about potential outcomes for each course of action. You’ll be supporting your teen with your own experience, while giving him or her the space to think critically about the different options. You can also encourage your teen to discuss it with a friend she/he trusts, or to join a trustworthy community of teenagers like Give Us The Floor who’s mission is to have teens supporting each other.

Communication is an important skill to help deal with adversity. Teens need to be able to advocate for themselves and broach difficult or uncomfortable topics with others. Role-playing is a good way to help them develop these skills: it gives them the freedom to make mistakes and gives you the opportunity to provide feedback. Try offering to role-play as a way to help your teen prepare for difficult conversations that he or she is facing. If she/he does not want to engage in this activity with you, again encourage her/him to do it with a friend.

IMPORTANT: If you see that your teen is in trouble but is not ready to share it with you, don’t push! Encourage them to talk about it with a peer they trust or with an adult they feel comfortable sharing it with. Don’t show that you are upset that she/he doesn’t want to tell you, it could be damaging to your relationship. Repeat that you love him/her, that you will always be here for him/her when they want and that you understand it is not easy to speak about certain things with your own parents. Leave the door open without pressuring.

It is difficult to step back and give your kid space to figure out how to overcome difficulties, as you know he or she will suffer on this path. However, remember that it is vital in order to develop problem-solving skills, resilience, and understand that they have power over their life and can be in charge.

This post was originally published on valeriegrisonblog.com