Self-reflection or a mirror?
I push people away even when I don’t mean to. I am selfish, greedy, constantly aching and hungry for more and more and I am afraid that this flaw will overtake all the good I am able to do and in the end everyone I love and everyone I’ve ever loved will abandon me. I am needy and at times pathetic, and I never want to experience the loneliness of being unwanted ever again. I’m so afraid of the future but at the same time I cannot wait to see what it has in store for me; when I open my eyes I find myself hoping that I will be able to carry on the heavy burden plaguing my mind until night falls and I finally allow the darkness to engulf me. What it really boils down to is the fact that I want too much, I think. And these desires, however futile they are, have nothing to do with practicality and everything to do with my unappeasable heart. I want to be adored. I want to be loved. I want to be admired the way youth camp counsellors and mediocre/good-looking white men with decent manners are. I want to be the moon to someone’s sun and for it to remain that way until the end of the universe. I want to be in a place where I can finally say without hesitation that I am happy and that yes, I couldn’t possibly imagine asking for more. I want to think that perhaps a twelve-year-old me would feel proud of where I currently am right now, even if its a lie. It is an undeniable reality that if in ten years, perhaps even less, if I am not happy I would be dead. No matter how much I wish for it to change I can do nothing about it; all I can do is to keep living. For the sake of the future, for the sake of myself. For the sake of love, or the sake of all the stars in the galaxy that shine bright at me whenever I raise my head at the skies and for the sake of the trees and the flowers and all things green and holy. I don’t know how to stop being sad but for this moment in time I do know that the sunrise is a relief sometimes.
