This Idea Controls Your Life and You Might Not Have Even Heard of It
Amatonormativity. The terrible lovechild of the Latin word amare (“love”) and heteronormativity, amatonormativity is the tendency to promote romance as the default, the norm, something that everyone should aspire to.
I’m aromantic, meaning I don’t experience romantic attraction to anyone (I don’t get crushes, will never fall in love, etc.), so my personal grudge against amatonormativity is probably obvious. It targets me: I’m sure most of you reading this saw my definition of aromantic and thought about what a tragic, lonely existence I must be doomed to. That’s a perfect example of amatonormativity at work.
But even for people who are alloromantic (that is, not aromantic — ”alloro” for short), amatonormativity has some cold implications. Childhood crushes, for example, are seen as cute and light-hearted. Personally, I find them deeply weird. Kindergarteners aren’t old enough to understand what romantic love is, yet society has pushed such an expectation for coupling upon them that they believe that is what love is. Two toddlers holding hands isn’t adorable innocence, it’s a cold reminder that as soon as children are able to communicate, society has told them that they are expected to fall in love.
If you’ve ever felt “less than” because you don’t have a partner, you are a victim of amatonormativity. While romantic connections often enhance life, they are not a requirement; any assumption that people cannot live fulfilling lives without a partner is the influence of amatonormativity. In some cases, this can be relatively harmless, but in others it can cause real self-esteem issues or feelings of isolation, not to mention it can lead to individuals entering or staying in abusive or toxic relationships because they are seen as preferable to being single.
Amatonormativity thrusts romance upon a silver platter, presenting it as a pinnacle of achievement, but this is to the detriment of platonic relationships. New partners become more important than oldest and closest friends. People say their friend was “lost” to a relationship, because the relationship becomes the priority and the friends are left to be an afterthought, if there’s time. People’s social circles may even be reduced to exclusively their partner, because romantic relationships are seen as the be-all, end-all of relationships. Often, this can come at the expense of the relationship itself: when a partner is forced to fulfill the role of not only a significant other but also friends, it can create a codependent relationship, one that is entirely unfair to the partner. Romantic partnerships are a wonderful thing but exaggerating their superiority makes it come at too great an expense.
Romance dominates our world. Movies, commercials, news, our social media feeds, everything is consumed by a fixation on love. But such a fixation isn’t healthy, and we need to do something about it. Start by acknowledging it.
