Addicted to Addiction

My boyfriend is a heroin addict.

Hi my name is Valerie. My qualifier is my 26 year old boyfriend. His drug of choice is heroin and meth and he is actively using.

It was the start of my third nar-anon meeting. Tears were welling up in my eyes as I was introducing myself, which is sort of unusual, because for the most part, during the last 7 months, I haven’t cried as often as one would think. Usually I can keep it together and speak the truth of my life without crying. But I couldn’t help but realize everyone else in the room was there for a family member, they had no choice to be a part of an addicts life. For me, I chose to begin and continue a relationship with a heroin addict. Even in the safest place, a meeting surrounded by people who know what it’s like to love an addict, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d be judged. Even though I guarantee they didn’t because they all understand that there are incredible people under the fog of addiction.

My boyfriend is honestly, the smartest man I have ever come across. It’s funny how the stigma of a drug addict is some low life, idiot who chooses to be addicted to drugs. Hell, even I thought that before I was blessed by my boyfriend. That’s right, I said blessed. People who have never dealt with addiction first hand are so quick to judge. They think there is just a skeleton under that skin that is withering away from all of the beat downs it takes from heroin and meth. And sure, that is true for some addicts, I have even met a few. But there are non addicts who aren’t to great of people either.

My boyfriend is an incredible human. If you saw him walking down the street, you wouldn’t be able to tell he was an addict. He is your average, yet extremely attractive, working class, (always wearing his work boots) blue eyed boy. I still remember the very first time I met him, I had a little too much homemade moonshine, and couldn’t stop staring at him and telling my friend “look at his blue eyes!” (not caring how loud I was). And then he opens his mouth and anyone who hears what he has to say would understand instantly why I fell in love with him. He is a word smith. Two years after I met him, when we first started dating, I told him I could listen to him describing a single leaf for an hour, I was that intrigued by him. Our souls were intertwined long before he became mine. So I am sure you can start to understand why this is so damn hard.

Anyone effected by addiction will tell you it’s not easy loving an addict. But no one thinks they will ever love one. A parent never thinks their kid will shoot up heroin one day. A sister or brother never thinks their sibling will be kicked out of their family home because they got high in the bathroom, again. A girlfriend never thinks her boyfriend will fall out or nod off because of being high and not be able to give a reply to the question of, “why are you even in this relationship?” because he literally fell asleep mid sentence. No one ever thinks it would happen to them. I never thought that I’d ever date a heroin addict. What! That’s blasphemy! (Learned that word from the boyfriend, total wordsmith) But guess what, I am madly in love with a heroin addict. Oh I’d do anything for that boy, I just about have. I’m the greatest enabler there is. Fuck, I have even taken him to get drugs before. It sounds insane I know, but you’d understand if your loved one was addicted, it’s not that easy to say no, at least in the beginning.

It’s very interesting to watch your life from above and see all the different stages of learning what it means to love a drug addict. First one for me wasn’t denial, he was high the first time we kissed and he told me he was addicted to heroin and meth the second time we hungout. My first stage was being naive as fuck.

I realize I don’t have any answers but I want to write my experiences so another girlfriend can relate. To the outside world we look stupid for loving an addict, but for us it’s like loving anyone else, they just happens to be addicted to heroin (or any other drug). It’s not that simple to just let go and move on. Nope, I’m stubborn as hell, and like I tell my boyfriend very often, there isn’t a day that goes by that I think that he won’t be able to get through this. He and I will live that picture perfect life, our road just has a little more twists and turns compared to a journey of a non addict couple.