How did I stop destroying myself

I’ve never said I had a drinking problem; I am not saying I did. I am saying I was going that way.

It all started in the summer of 2016. I was almost 19, passed my final exams, in less than three months I was going to move to a whole new country. Everything seemed perfect, beside the fact that I lost one of my important people on Earth.

It was June when I decided to go on the “Destroying path”. I had this best friend, a male one, and he was more than just a best friend. It was not a relationship, but it was definitely more than a friendship. We’ve been hanging out together for six months at that point and I was hoping to spend my last three months in Romania with him, but he wasn’t planning on that. He got himself in a relationship and at that point I started to drive down my special road. I remember that after I found out, I didn’t eat or sleep for three days. I used to only drink coffee and smoke; all day, all night. Crying my heart out as I only cried once in my life — when I lost my other important person (my grandmother). Somehow, we got back together and spent the summer as we planned before he messed up. What I didn’t know at that point was that I was going down.

When things weren’t okay with him, I used to not eat, not sleep, only drink and smoke; because yes, during that summer, I started drinking as well. I remember one night I went to a club and drank so much that when I got home I cried for three hours without stopping. Anyway, after I came to England, things were getting out of hand. I was a student then and being a student means to drink a lot; and I was — I was drinking a lot. Every single time we would argue, I would drink; and we were argue most of the times. That’s how I started to drink daily. I almost got to that point where I was thinking to take alcohol with me at work. I was drinking every single night after work; with or without reason. I didn’t care about anyway, I was always saying that alcohol makes me feel better, happier. I started giving up nights with my friends just so I could stay in my room and get wasted; get wasted and cry. I was going down.

I didn’t care about anything. I had no friends anymore or I didn’t enjoy to spend time or talk with them. I was always on my own, always being depressed, always crying. I would get up in the middle of the night, having panic attacks and starting to cry. I didn’t what was going on with me and where I was going, but I was going down.

I started to realise something’s wrong after one night I drank that much that I tripped over. I was running on the street and just walked into a wall and fell. I broke my phone’s display at that point and I was worried about that because that meant spending money that I didn’t have, but then I looked down and there was blood all over my feet. I knew something was off with me at that point. So I decided I need to calm things down. I needed to stop hurting myself, drinking and smoking, just because things were not as I wanted them to be.

When did I really decided to stop? It was an evening. I had a drink the night before with some friends and we were talking and at some point they told me I ate some pizzas with them, but I couldn’t remember anything. My mind was shut down. I got scared, panicked. My dad drinks a lot, he used to that even when I was young and still at home. I knew from him that you start going down when you forget things because you were too drunk. I didn’t want to be him. I don’t want anyone to be him. So I stopped.

Those simple things like forgetting eating something and tripping over scared the shit out of me and made me promising myself to never drink that much to get to that point; or to start drinking daily again.

I was doing that because I needed help and no one helped me. I was doing that because I had problems and I felt like alcohol was helping. It wasn’t. It never is. Don’t try it! No matter what you hear, alcohol is never the answer. It can only destroy you even more. Go, seek for help, even ask for help, I know people say that when you ask for help is because you want attention, but that’s not true. You ask for help because you need help. So do it! Ask for it! But never find your answer in alcohol or drugs. Never find your answer in destroying yourself because at the end of the day, you’re all you’ve got!