There are times in life where we go through exceptionally good things. There are times in our life where we go through exceptionally dark terrible things. This is fact, this is unavoidable. The truth is, we have two options. We live life as good people with kind hearts and an open mind, no matter what the world throws at us. Or we chose to believe we deserve our misery and go forth with a negative coldness to ourselves. Using our circumstance as an excuse for behaving the way we do. I firmly believe that the best way to flip the universe off for the shitty cards we’ve been dealt, is to rise above. Don’t let the proverbial man get you down. Show that god, or being, or universe or people, whomever you choose to put your faith in, that no matter what, you walked out alive and better then ever.
There have been times in my life where I have felt so low, so useless that I cant get out of bed. I feel as though the world would keep turning, and people would keep living if I just ceased to exist. But then I realize, maybe not immediately, but I always have a moment of realization of screw them. The only way to really show them I’m I better then this is to prove it doesn’t effect me. To prove that I’m learning from the things in which I’m subjected to, but I chose to learn and rise above. Isn’t this a greater play then letting yourself fall down that incessant rabbit hole of pain and anger and abusive destructive behavior. I ask you, why would you allow yourself to go that route. Why give your instigators the benefit of feeling right?
It doesn’t matter what greater power we believe in, it doesn’t matter what political view points we have. At the end of the day we are dealt what we are dealt. I myself haven’t had the easiest life. I was taken from my home, I was verbally, physically, mentally and emotionally abused on a daily basis. I’ve been in terrible relationships with men who treated me the same way. I have had major life defining health issues. I’ve lost two babies, I’ve went through fertility treatments that taught me my own body is out to sabotage my wants and needs. I went from feeling good and confident in my own body to being overweight and lacking motivation because of my health issues. I’ve been rejected by the majority of the family that hurt me and subjected me to such pain, when all I wanted was love and affection and acceptance for just being me. I spent my childhood and adolescence feeling alone, depressed and unworthy of the space I took up. But, then I realized all the good I had. I have a beautiful new home. I have the most amazing husband that I ever could have imagined. I have two cats that I love and love me. I have an amazing Mom, who despite our time apart has only pulled us together and made us value our relationship even more. I have a small group of friends who I know care about me and don’t create drama. They create a safe loving space. And the list goes on and on.
Its important to accept and realize the things we have been through. Its ok to let ourselves feel the pain and anguish for a time. To grieve our circumstances. But once you are all cried out, dry your tears and think happy thoughts. Focus on your breathing, focus on your happy place. Focus on the love and happiness no matter how big or small it is, it is always there.
I’ve struggled with meditation for years. I suffer from OCD and once I found an app to teach me how to meditate that actually worked I felt as though life was calm, my thoughts were serene and those little details that use to cause a chemical physical reaction in my life were no longer as bad as they once were. Believe me, they are still there, but once I begin to panic, I close my eyes, focus all my attention to my breathing, and still my body. I open my eyes and I deal with the problem in a controlled way. No upset no anger, no anxiety, just deal with it.
Take this weekend for example. I’ve been going through some of those hardships lately. I’ve been grasping to come up for air. My amazing husband deserved to go and relax and enjoy making happy memories, even if right at this time in my life, I am not so capable. I hugged him, told him I loved him more then life itself and sent him off to a guys retreat with some of his closest friends. I felt good and happy that even though I am in a dark place, I could give my man some happiness. As good as I felt, the second he left I panicked. The only thing I could think of to distract myself this weekend was movies. Movies, movies and more movies. Movies calm me down. They transport me to a place where my life disappears and I can laugh, and cry and walk into someone other then mine reality. Now I am not about to give you a detailed list and critical review of every damn movies I took in this weekend. We would be here For days. I will tell you that even though I tend to love all genre’s of films, minus the mind f that is horror/physiological thriller, this weekend I did the very chick thing to do when your husband goes away. Romance, chick flicks, Rom-Com. You know the types of movies that a good husband or man friend will sit through to make your day, but secretly want to be watching anything but. If you cant dive into those sappy, predictable, emotionally unrealistic bits of pleasure when your man goes away, when the hell can you. I don't feel bad about this. Sometimes you just need something with witty repertoire, a cute girl, a sexy guy and something to pull them apart so they can inevitably end up together, more in love then ever and you cry and you laugh and when those credits roll. Boom. Your smiling with watery eyes and a happier outlook on life.
Believe me, I probably should have gotten myself into the movie business somewhere, because my love for movies is deep. I’ve been that way since I was a little girl. I love all stories. And it is very true, if I don't find value or like something in a movie, then I can honestly say the movie is shit. With that being said, I wish more people could open their minds to what they are watching and stop being so bored and unimaginative or maybe the problem is we have come so far with the technological side of movies that it is so damn hard to impress anyone anymore.
With that being said, maybe next time you sit down and watch a movie, focus on what a movie’s purpose is…to tell a story and to welcome you into a different world then your own. I started this weekend at the movie theater with my Mom. We got the early show of Me Before You. I’m not about to get into the specifics of the story, but I will say this. Oh My God. It was witty, cute, funny. And hello, when did Neville Longbottom start playing anyone but Neville Longbottom and how did that cute weird kid grow up to be that guy? Either way big thumbs up to that movie. Super emotional roller coaster that I was happy to go on. I also dived into a few in my movie collection. The First Time with Dylan O’Brian which is such a smart very real way of looking at teenage life. I loved the banter, the awkwardness and the feeling of experiencing everything, that's right, you got it, for the first time. Another one that hit my bluray player this weekend was Warm Bodies. You got it, the one with Nicholas Hoult who is a zombie, who falls in love and begins to change back to human form. I have to say this. I LOVE this movie. Lets be real for a second. There are a lot of films out there that are basically the same thing. The same formula, the same arc, different beautiful lady, different pretty boy. But basically the same. The biggest complaint with those ROM-COM’s is that they are too damn predictable. And maybe warm bodies has that tendency to be a bit predictable. The thing I love about this movie however is that we have seen zombie flicks before. They are flesh eating, moaning groaning beings who look like a homeless, drugged out version of their former selves. Even in Zombieland (yay zombieland!) this is the way zombies are portrayed. And I thought that movie was ridiculously awesome. In Warm Bodies, we hear his thoughts, we learn to understand what goes on in his head. We begin to root for the very thing we’ve all grown up to root against. How awesome is that? I absolutely love how you think you have movies figured out, then someone comes along and says they decided zombies can think and feel and love. Love the people who fain to be just a bit different from the millions of normal out there.
Why did I start ranting about life, and choices , and then segue into movie talk? Well basically these are my two sides. I feel everything from the beginning of the article. I am going through dark times. I hate certain cards I have been dealt. I have yelled, I have cried. I have talked to professionals. But no matter what goes on in my life, movies are my passion. They pull me out of the shit, clean me up and show me a different angle on things. Take me to a worse place then I am in, or a simpler time or a place I hope to never find myself in. Movies can make us feel, and think. They can help us escape and dream. No matter how much my heart needs repairing for the damages of my life, at least I have an escape. A safe, healthy escape.