whats going on

I just dont understand whats going on. Im this kind of person who likes to know things. I like to know myself, to get in control of my life. To be fully aware of whats affecting, to be able to protect me, to fight, to live. But this mix of thoughts, negative feelings, unwanted emotions… I am so sensible and vulnerable…

Loneliness is monstruous. I tried to kill myself three months ago by taking 17 of my prescribed pills. Pills I had to take to fight depression… What the fuck? Now Im taking another ones, to control my ups and downs and to give me focus, to diminish the effects of my so powerful fucking anxiety.

But Im still anxious, and vulnerable, and alone. I feel sad, stressed out, tired, exhausted. But I dont work, I dont study, I dont have kids, nor bills to pay, no one in my family died, Im not ill… I might have what you would the perfect life. I feel I have every reason to be happy. But Im not.

Why off all people in this Earth would I be one of the exclusive club to be given a fucked up mind disease? Why, of all people, am I my worst enemy? I cant even begin to express whats going on, I cant even let the emotions come out. What makes me feel this way? What makes me be this person? And why?

I feel it’s unfair, oh so unfair. Everyone is getting on with their lives and Im stuck. I feel stuck. Ive been stuck my whole life, for all I know. Havent made any progress, real progress… The same shy, introverted loser afraid of people, of life. And Im angry, angry at myself and angry at the situation that was imposed on my life as this kind of big punishment. For how much longer do I have to carry this burden?

I feel distant, from others and from myself. I need a harbor but am lost in the deep blue sea. I cant even see the sunlight… I dont want to wake up to another bad day. When I have good dreams and I wake up, I get so frustrated for that wasnt my real life. That I have to wake up and face the life I get. The life that I dont want to live.

See, I dont even have the guts to be suicidal. I truly wish I was dead… Because althought Im only 24 I feel the exhaustion of and old men. It gets me angry because its unfair, its unfair to such a young person feel the way I do. Right now I dont have the strenght to pull myself together and face whatever I have to face.

I have to pretend Im happy so my parents dont get worried. I feel hurt… There was this guy that I liked and wtih I had some kind of an affair. I discovered he despises me now and I have to face him almost every day. The way he looks at me, with disgust… I get disgusted at myself. I just wanted to be loved and I got ugly words instead.

Im waiting for the return of better days. Do you think they’ll come? This waiting is so exhausting… I feel useless, spoiled, weak. And I have absolutely no one to share this with, besides my therapist. My oldest friends grew apart from me and new ones are difficult to get. I said Im a shy person, didn’t I?

What the fuck is going on? I need an answer and a solution, but I know they wont come. If they do, how much longer should I wait? This is torturing, I dont deserve this. I dont deserve to be sick, I dont want to be sick anymore. I need a break from myself.