Dear Tom Perez:

It’s time to clean house.

This isn’t the “open letter” rhetorical device. This is a real actual letter that I am writing to you, real actual Tom Perez, and also posting on Medium. I hope you caught last night’s dicksucking contest between Bernie Sanders and John Kasich. In case you missed it, it was a tie; they both agree that “now is not the time” for impeachment. Which is UNITY, right? So hey, everybody can relax now that two rich old straight white dudes agree that the fabric of our democracy is totally not being torn asunder. Cool.

Is this the kind of unity you had in mind, Tom? Because I thought it would only be right to tell you that this is not what the vast majority of the rest of us want, Tom. Not. At. All.

We Dems are fighting a war on two fronts: Trump and the GOP are the most obvious, and must be dealt with before we can turn inward. But we’re also fighting a vicious faction from within, Tom, and I must say you are not helping at all one little tiny bit. You know you fucked up hard with that “unity tour” bullshit; you’re an intelligent guy, so you already know that and I don’t have to point out how very very badly you really did fuck up. These people literally want to take over our party. I’m not worried this will happen. I also don’t give a fuck about whether the brogressives think their little revolution-thingy is gonna show us a thing or two.

What I am worried about is having to allocate precious resources to this problem when Trump is absolutely the greater threat. What concerns me is the effect Bernie and his bullshit is having on the morale of my fellow Dems.

The problem is twofold: there’s ol’ Bernie himself, running from interview to interview to bask in what he imagines to be his wounded-yet-noble glory, and there’s also his rabidly misogynist cult that wants to burn the establishment or whatever to the ground. We can’t afford these people, Tom. You know it, deep down; you’re simply delaying the inevitable. It’s a job you don’t want to do singlehandedly. I understand, and I’m here to help.

I’m Val Perry Rendel, a top writer in Politics and the 2016 election on Medium.com, and I hate Bernie. It’s what I do. It is my superpower. And I’m telling you Tom, there are a lot of people who want to hear my message, for I bring them the Good News: Bernie Sanders is an asshole and it’s ok to hate his fucking guts.

Awhile back I wrote a piece called “Fuck Bernie Fucking Sanders,” and boy did it get people’s attention:

There was the usual screeching from he Bernouts, of course, which I had braced myself for — I’ve been doing this sort of thing for awhile. But let me tell you, Tom: something interesting happened. For every Bernout who got the vapors at my blasphemy against their messiah, there were a lot more who thanked me profusely and echoed the sentiment. (The line about the eat-a-dick buffet was apparently a hit.) Check out the comments on the original post, on my Facebook author page and my Twitter feed if you want proof.

I also strongly suspect the Bernouts are greatly oversampled in any given comment section: it’s easy, for instance, to imagine someone agreeing with a negative piece about Bernie but not responding publicly — while the very idea of a Bernie-brogressive keeping his/her thoughts to him/herself is just LOL NO. That’s not a controlled sample or anything. But hell. I figure it’s only fair if I borrow their logic here: everyone on my Facebook feed agrees with me, so it must be true!

The point is, there’s clearly a hunger for St. Bernard to shut the fuck up and go away now. He lost. Get over it. That message is resonating, and gets amplified every time I and others put it out there. He has more than outstayed his welcome, and now that the 25% or so of Berniebots who were actual literal bots have mysteriously disappeared, this would be a good time.

They claim #DemExit numbers of 15 million, which…do I even have to say it? If they have 15 million, why don’t they start their own fucking party instead of trying to take ours? Because they don’t have 15 million, Tom. They don’t even have half that. The vast majority of them did the right thing in the general election, and they see how he’s become a pus-filled boil on the Democratic party that needs to be lanced. Trust me: his hardcore hangers-on are hanging on harder than ever, but a LOT of others have lost patience.

People are angry, Tom. Especially us women; young and old, gay and straight, white and of color (and oh shit, the ones of color are really super pissed off):

What if we started listening to the right people?

Our anger is glorious. It gives us strength. We are told to quash our anger, to hide it or to direct it wherever some man deems it appropriate. Hell. No. This is the anger that will save us, our party and our country. This is the anger that will carry us through to 2018.

And you do not want to be on the wrong side of that anger, Tom, you really don’t.

I know you’re scared of him, and of his followers. I get it. Like the NRA, they are relatively small in numbers but vociferous in volume. This makes them appear to be bigger than they actually are. I know they look scary, but hey! If a middle-aged white lady like me can carry a BLACK LIVES MATTER/FUCK YOUR GUNS sign between rows of frothing Second Amendment fetishists screaming rape and death threats to prove what law-abiding good guys they are, you can do this! I believe in you, Tom. I believe you can kick Bernie Sanders in his withered old nutsack and he won’t even be able to get up by himself!

I know you’re a good guy, and you’re trying. Amid the torrent of snark and shade, that’s one thing I mean genuinely. And hey, as far as I’m concerned, it’s ok with me if you wanna meet with those pro-life Dems. After all, they requested it. Just don’t forget to bring your spine, okay? Don’t leave it at home like last time. And give them a hearty “Keep your fucking laws off my body” from me, would you?

[UPDATE 5/19: Here is Tom Perez getting my letter. :)]

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Dr. Val Perry Rendel, everyone’s favorite foulmouthed rhetorician, is real whether you believe in her or not. If you want her book (Bust: Bernie’s 30-Year Plan to Destroy the Democrats) to be available in time for 2018 midterms, help build her platform by liking her Author page on Facebook and following her on the Twitter: @WorstPrezEver29 .