I’m Totally Unqualified to Claim Expertise in Any Area

Here’s My Shitty Victim-Blaming Justification of the Emboldened Corporate Police State

I have inside information that the rest of you are not privileged to know. Let me explain it in simple terms:

Motherfucker had it coming.

He was wearing a hijab and fishnet hot pants. He was jaywalking and listening to Nickelback, smoking stolen CDs and listening to bootleg cigarettes, and he probably had some overdue library books or something. In middle school he stuck baloney slices onto the lunchroom wall and they stayed there until they got brown. He dresses up his cats on Halloween. I know people who went to school with his orthodontist’s receptionist. My kids once played with some kids who know his kids, so trust me when I say there are all kinds of behind-the-scenes intricacies that people like you are too dumb to grasp. The company policy clearly states that they can shave your head and tattoo Ben Stiller’s face on your back if you don’t say “please” when asking them to wash their hands before your anal probe. Do your research, people.

I know everyone wants to make this guy into some kind of oppressed folk hero, but the fact is that America was founded on the sacrosanct principle of beating the shit out of dissenters, people who don’t comply quickly enough, and brown people. I don’t have an opinion on this one way or the other. I’m just sharing another persepctive on the steady erosion of our civil rights and public safety in the name of allegiance to corporate fascism, because I’m too much of a fucking moral coward to own a position myself.


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