Interracial Adoption: People of color Share their Experiences with White Parents
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Growing up, I remember being fascinated by Angeline Jolie, Brad Pitt, and their “rainbow,” of adoptive children. At the time, my barely teenaged self felt inspired to be like Jolie. I wanted to adopt internationally, from somewhere like one of Africa’s many countries, because by entertainment outlets, it was framed as an almost holy act.
I didn’t yet understand the nuances of adoption. It hadn’t struck me that someone of in my financial niche would struggle to secure a spot in the long list of patiently awaiting adopters.
Even worse were the implications of race and the odd and discomforting connotations of heroism associated with being an adopter.
A White Superhero
As I got older, I became keenly aware of the fact that I’d never heard of, or met, a white adoptee with black, or Latino, or Asian, parents. Up till today, I still haven’t (maybe they exist).
Instead, the world is constantly confronted with celebrated images of Caucasian parents adopting children of various non-white ethnic backgrounds.
As terms like “white savior complex,” and “virtue signaling,” became more popular, I came to better understand why these seemingly wholesome and heartwarming photos were, very occasionally, met with commenter outrage, and internet scoff.
For anyone who doesn’t yet know, white savior complex refers to white people who, in the simplest terms, attempt to help people of color for selfish and shallow reasons, causes that often tie directly into virtue signaling, a show of morality often done to garner positive attention to the performer of the benevolent act.
In other words, white people patting themselves on the back for helping non-whites.
Unfortunately, both terms can be heavily applied to interracial adoption. And, with an influx of adult adoptees of color available and able to communicate their experiences, the world is becoming exposed to the negative impact shallowly motivated interracial adoptions leave on innocent adoptees.
The heroism society attributes to adopters has clouded our perception of what an adopter really is: a human being, among of which still exist abusers, narcissists, homophobes, and even racists. And, on a much softer level, well-to-do ignoramuses.
These realities have become drowned out in favor of a picture perfect portrayal of adopters.
The impact that, for instance, culturally ignorant Caucasian parents can have on their adopted non-white children has gone, up until relatively recently, largely unnoticed.
Unfortunately, however, adoptees of color might find themselves struggling to fulfill conflicting roles, and lost in their sense of identity. They might feel trapped, isolated, and even ignored by both their adoptive family and peers.
Throughout both my high school and college career, as well as the vast amount of time I’ve spent interacting with folks of all backgrounds through forums, social media, and chat rooms, I’ve become steadily exposed to the realities of interracial adoption.
In writing this article, I reached out to several non-white adoptees asking them to share their experiences in white families. Four agreed, provided they stay anonymous. Names have been changed, though ages have remained, with the permission of the interviewees.
Michelle, 27
Under what circumstances were you adopted?
My parents had fertility issues when they adopted me. They both really wanted a family.
They got me through the foster care system when I was two years old.
Do you think they adopted you for the right reasons?
I think their hearts were in the right place.
But then I look back at my life, and sometimes I feel like a prop. I’m my parents ‘black child’.
Why do you feel like that?
Because I don’t know anything about what being black means. What my black heritage means. And they never cared to educate or expose me.
If they cared about me being African American, they would have cared about my background.
They would have cared about the discrimination I, as a black person, would have faced in America, and how my life, by my very race, would still have fundamental differences from theirs.
Now, in my adulthood, I’m still struggling to understand what it means to be black and how that effects me.
How has this effected your self-perception?
When I moved away for college to a big city, I had a huge culture shock. I came from a mostly white town, and had practically no black friends.
My college classes weren’t full of black people, but I had more opportunities to interact with people that look like me.
I couldn’t relate to their cultural experiences at all. It made me miserable, and I felt like I was living a lie somehow.
Maybe that’s not the best way to explain it, but that’s how I felt.
Did you share your feelings with your parents?
Recently, yes. Living where I do now, I’ve gotten a bit more culture savvy.
I went home for summer and asked my mom why she never included black culture in my life.
She says she thinks I didn’t need it. But that’s not how I feel.
Her answer didn’t make me happy.
I think our relationship has changed a lot since then.
What do you think adopters should consider before adopting a baby of another race?
The reasons they’re doing it. If it’s just because you want to look like a hero to someone, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.
Ellie, 25
Under what circumstances were you adopted?
I’m an international adoptee. What that means is my parents adopted me from overseas, Korea specifically.
They adopted me after already having a few children. They’re pretty well off.
I was given up by my bio parents as a child due to their poverty. My adoptive parents received me when I was about two.
Do you feel like your parents adopted you for the right reasons?
Yes and no.
Yes because giving a child a comfortable home to prosper in is great.
But no because they didn’t know anything about Korean people when adopting me.
Why do you think that?
Because of the language they’ve used to describe South Korea. They talk about Korean people like they’re primitive, even though I’m Korean. Koreans aren’t the people who they’ve imagined in their minds.
My adoption into a white family didn’t change my race. I am biologically, all Korean.
How does their view on Koreans make you feel?
I‘ve gotten pretty mad about it. It’s hard not to.
I still care about my parents, but the things they do still hurt me. You can tell they don’t understand what they’re dealing with.
How has this effected your self-perception?
I feel a bit like an alien sometimes. Other Koreans have an expectation of me that I don’t meet. I feel isolated, kind of like I don’t belong anywhere in the world.
Have you reconnected with your bio parents? If so, how has your life changed since?
Yes I have.
It did make me happy to an extent to solidify my identity as a Korean.
It wasn’t the most eventful meeting because I couldn’t really communicate with them, but it felt almost like a heart connection was still there.
I’m starting to get to know my Korean family. My culture is rich, and I’m learning about all these things I felt like I was missing out on before.
What is you relationship currently like with your adoptive parents?
It’s okay. It’s not as good as it used to be. They aren’t happy I reached out to my bio parents.
Why?
They don’t think I need that part of me. Like, because my bio mom gave me up, I need to give her up. She gave me up because she couldn’t afford to care for me. She wanted me to be happy.
My adoptive mom is really jealous. She doesn’t understand that I can love them both equally.
Sometimes it makes me feel like property.
But I think that’s also just a general adoptee problem. I’ve talked to other, white, adoptees in white families. A lot of them have families that have issues with jealousy towards the bio parents of their adoptive children, even when the bio parents are actually good people who had good intentions for the baby they gave up.
Do you think something needs to change in the adoption process?
Yeah.
On one hand, everyone’s always like, “you should be grateful, these people chose to love you!” And I am grateful, and as much as I get angry, I also still really love these people, and my siblings.
But people really adopt for all sorts of reasons. A lot of them end up being really bad parents. I know kids who haven’t spoken to their adoptive parents in years.
People think all adopted kids end up in these supernaturally loving homes. I think people get shocked when they find out how average most adopters are.
You shouldn’t just be able to adopt because you have money, and are white, and straight, it should be because you’re actually fit to be a parent.
Sam, 32
Under what circumstances were you adopted?
I was adopted from India as a baby. So was my brother. My parents can’t have bio kids. Me and my brother were their answers to a happy family. Kind of like those guys in that movie — Lion.
Do you think they adopted you for the right reasons?
I think so.
I love my parents. They love me and my brother. They gave us everything we could ever want. They’ve always just wanted us to be happy.
How have their choices effected you?
Honestly, any sort of tie to the “motherland,” got broken immediately when we were adopted.
Both me and my brother got our names changed to common American names. First and last.
We were pretty small when we left India, so we both picked up on English right away. I don’t know Hindi or Urdu.
It didn’t have an impact until I met other South Asian Americans who could speak Hindi fluently. Then, I started to feel left out.
Hinduism, which I’m 99% sure my bio parents followed, is a very rich, cultural religion. It’s a beautiful part of my heritage that I know almost nothing about. And I’m not even religious.
If you’re not religious, why do you want to learn about Hinduism?
I want to know about my people, and my history, and religion is still a big part of their lives. I just feel like it’s a critical part of me I’ve never gotten to know.
Why didn’t you get to know it?
That’s a hard question.
But, I guess, the answer would have to be because of my parents. They don’t really know anything about Indian culture. We were raised to be purely American.
Have you struggled as a non-white adoptee to a white family?
Tons. We went to a private school where we were some of the only brown people. Other, white, kids were being racist to us as early as kindergarten.
My parents really struggled because of that. I think they were so caught up in fulfilling their dreams that they forgot how harsh life was. They weren’t prepared to fight racism.
As an adult, it’s weird. I still live in a mostly white neighborhood. My only other brown coworker is an African American man.
When I started working, my coworkers believed I was a completely different man. They thought I had Indian experiences. Like, maybe I could tell them about South Asian clothes, or delicious Indian food, or maybe I had dietary restrictions because of my religious background.
Then, when I tell them I’m adopted, it’s a whole other thing. People have told me, to my face, that I’m very lucky I got adopted.
I guess an American life is probably better than whatever I would have had in India, but I really don’t know that.
And I hate the racist undertone. It makes me feel like Indians are bad people, and I feel ashamed. It’s complicated.
What about your interactions with South Asians and South Asian Americans?
I’ve only met a few other South Asian Americans. I said before, I feel bad about not being able to speak their language.
I also don’t relate to their childhoods. I grew up eating any and everything. Dating was a bit tough for me, but my parents didn’t complain about my first girlfriend.
I’ve met South Asian Americans who had to sneak around a lot. Date in secret, but only other South Asians, or their parents would be really disappointed. Ate beef behind their parents back. Got good grades, “or else,” sort of thing.
I want to say I’m lucky, because from what I understand, there’s a vast amount of strict Indian parents.
But that isn’t every Indian parent ever. There’s probably several thousand other Indian kids in Indian families who grew up with the perfect mix of Indian and American culture.
Have you ever shared your experiences with your parents?
I had to. The racist stuff we were experiencing at school needed their attention.
I don’t really share my adult experiences. I think it would hurt them.
I still can’t decide if my parents got me for the right, or wrong, reasons, or if it’s some weird mix.
I know they love me and my brother. Like I said, they gave us everything. But there were a lot of American white kids available for adoption.
Why didn’t they try their luck here first?
What do you think adopters should consider before adopting a baby of another race?
They don’t stay small forever. We will grow up, and one day, we’ll want to know who we are, and why you didn’t care about teaching us.
If you’re going to become an interracial family, you need to be prepared to care for your kid. Teach them about their roots. You’re not doing them any favors by hiding it from them.
Sally, 29
Under what circumstances were you adopted?
I was adopted from China when I was about 12 months old. Before I was adopted they had one bio kid, and then after I was adopted, they had another.
They just wanted to adopt. It was their dream.
Do you think they adopted you for the right reasons?
In practice, sure. They adopted me because they wanted to help a child find a loving family.
Technically though, when you look at it from an outside perspective, I think it’s all layers of messed up. My parents are not poor. They would have easily ticked all the boxes for national adoption. They never even tried.
They wanted a poor Asian baby. I, me, a person, made them feel good about themselves.
I’m also special in the sense that there aren’t a lot of Asian babies easily available for adoption in the USA. Ask around, if you haven’t already. Most Asian adoptees are from out-of-country. My parents think all the ropes they jumped to get me means they’re even better parents.
But they’re just very average white parents who wanted to save an Asian baby.
Do you love your parents?
Of course! They were as good as good parents get.
But I think of myself as a realist, and I think their motivations for adopting me were wrong. They wanted to feel good about themselves.
I’m lucky my parents ended up loving me and not using me.
How have their choices affected you?
I am not very Chinese. I live in a community with a lot of other Chinese people. So many of them have these complex identities, with their feet in both worlds.
I feel white-washed in comparison.
My parents also didn’t know how to handle me getting bullied. Other kids of color get exposed to the possibility of racism towards them from their parents from as early as the time they’re born. But my parents didn’t tell me people could be racist to me.
I didn’t know what that was until after I had been bullied for my features.
I got called names, was told I eat dogs, and was mocked in a “Chinese accent”. I hated school for so long. Like, yeah, I knew I looked different, but I didn’t know what different meant until I got bullied for it.
We eventually moved to an area with a lot more Asians, and things kind of eased up. I started learning more about my culture from Chinese friends as well, so the move was an overall positive thing for me.
Have you ever shared your experiences with your parents?
Yes. I feel like I’m a lucky adoptee in an interracial family with white parents willing to acknowledge their faults. Not every Asian adoptee is as lucky as I am. A lot of us end up with families that are too stubborn and proud to realize the ways they’ve hurt us or that they were sort of blinded by wanting to “save,” foreign babies. Obviously it’s not every white parent, but there’s still a lot.
What do you think adopters should consider before adopting a baby of another race?
You need to be prepared to raise someone who won’t have similar experiences to you. People of color live very different lives from white people. You need to be ready to deal with all of that, and if you aren’t, you shouldn’t be considering an international adoption.
The Issues with Interracial Adoption
Relationships are complex. Most of our interviewees had mixed feelings towards their parents. Most, if not all, of them loved the people who adopted them
Still, many of them maintained what seemed to be a disdain towards their parents lack of interest in their identity, with some suggesting their parents’ disinterest belied shallow reasons for adopting.
Heritage and identity were constant issues across the board, where the adoptees felt like they had been stripped of their cultural roots and inundated into a culture that didn’t completely fit them, or felt like they were missing part of themselves by being unaware of their ethnic history.
And the odd and uncomfortable association with being, essentially, a trophy, bothered some of the interviewees, where the distinction between their parents’ kindness, and their parents’ desire to “do good,” for the validity and heroism of their actions blurred.
What Does It Take to Make an Interracial Adoption Work?
Awareness and authenticity seem to be two key factors that are imperative to the success of white adopters raising non-white children. White parents should be able to understand and educate their children on their culture of origin, regardless of their personal beliefs or culture.
Additionally, bigoted views of another culture or religion should immediately disqualify someone from being able to adopt internationally, a stipulation that is, unfortunately, relatively difficult to enforce.
Finally, feelings of heroism should be disentangled from adoption. Aside from the fact that adopters, as was already mentioned, are regular people who can also possess faults of varying degrees of severity, adopting a child should be about wanting to provide a happy, loving, and supportive home for the child to grow up in. The interest of the child should be at the front of any reason for adopting.
An adopter who pursues adopting for self-validation is probably not the kind of person you want adopting anyone.
Should White Adopters NOT Adopt Non-White Babies and Children?
It’s not that white adopters can’t, and have never, been awesome parents to non-white children. Happy interracial adoptive families exist.
It’s that, historically, being the white adopter of a brown child has been framed as an action to be done for a shallow sense of self-fulfillment and heroism, and not for the sake of non-white children, or even children in general.
Parents who adopt primarily to feel good about themselves are dangerous, and non-white children who end up in households where the parents’ main motivation was to score brownie points with their peers are parents who are setting their non-white children up for a life of confusion and crisis.
Potential white adopters should be prepared to deal with the challenges and experiences of non-white children, if their intention is to adopt outside of their race. They should be open to exposing their non-white children to their heritage, rather than erasing whatever connections the child has left with their culture. They should be understanding of their children’s unique struggles and challenges.
So, no. Being white shouldn’t be what disqualifies you from adopting a non-white child.
Being dangerously selfish is.
