You are Enough. Run and don’t look back.
It was only from 2010 onward that I started to embrace the true meaning of the word Happiness.
I got married at 23, thinking that the world was at my feet and that I was invincible as long as we were together. Everything was perfect in my mind, until I quickly realized that our life together was exactly the opposite of what I had envisioned it to be. We were getting divorced two years later. I refuse to sit here and write about everything he did wrong because we were both in the relationship together and we’re both to blame that our marriage didn’t work. But what I will say is that, boy, am I happy I got out when I did.
When did I know it was over? Probably July, 2010. I was sitting on our couch when I found out that Antonio Feio (a beloved Portuguese Comedian) had passed away from Cancer. I had admired his strength and how he embraced life, even during a time of such hopelessness. I went on YouTube to watch a few videos of him and found one that set off some kind of trigger in me. I couldn’t stop crying. I was hysterically crying.
All I could think was that when he made that video he was dying and couldn’t do anything about it and there I was, living a life that was so far from what I had dreamed of and I was terrified to do anything about it.
The part of his message that touched me the most was when he said: “Enjoy life and help each other. Enjoy every moment, be thankful and don’t ever leave anything unsaid, anything undone.“ (my own translation)
I wasn’t enjoying life, we weren’t being good to each other and everything felt undone and unsaid. I hadn’t explored enough, I hadn’t taken enough risks, I hadn’t become everything I knew I could be. At that moment, I felt like I had fallen into a deep hole and didn’t know how to get back up, I just knew that I needed to break free. I needed to be Me.
We didn’t realize it then but we were destroying everything good that was left in our relationship and we were losing ourselves in the process.
I held onto a pillow and just cried by myself in our living room. I knew that day that something in me had changed. And it really had. Little did I know that two months later I would be quitting my job and moving back to my parent’s house to sleep on an air mattress for the next couple of months. I found a job shortly after but had days where I just wanted to stop and give up. I wanted to hide and make everything and everyone disappear, even if it was only for a few minutes.
I knew I had no choice but to keep moving forward. I knew I had to stay focused on the life I had because I had fought too hard to get there.
And little did I know that as soon as I could save up enough to live on my own (exactly 6 months), I would be moving out and starting another part of my journey.
It’s never too late to recreate yourself.