In Other News: Magic, Meth and Flatpack Furniture

Over now to South Africa’s East Coast Radio, where the question is asked: “What’s worse than waking up with a crashing headache after a night out?”

The answer of course being, quote: “Waking up, with a crashing head AND a Harry Potter lightning bolt tattooed on your head!

It seems a British woman working in Spanish holiday resort Magaluf apparently got the famous Harry Potter lightning bolt scar tattooed on her forehead after a heavy night out.

All well and good, and just goes to show what effect too much cheap Spanish booze can have on a person’s judgement … because now many unoriginal vacationers there are following her lead and having that bolt scar tattooed on their foreheads as well.

But hey, that’s what holidaying’s all about.

Still on the other side of the Atlantic, the UK’s Mail Online asks: “Would YOU take a pill to stop you enjoying the pleasurable effects of drinking?”

Er, no.

But thanks anyway.

However, those nice people in Denmark — and more specifically, pharmaceutical company Lundbeck — have come up with Selincro, which doesn’t make a drinker I’ll like, say, Antabuse, but just works away on the reward mechanism in the brain to take away the pleasurable effects of alcohol.

So after the possibility of losing those pleasurable effects, what’s left for us? (And let’s not go anywhere near the possibility of a certain presidential daughter’s not-quite-discreet and no-doubt-not-inhaled puff on some strange cigarette not so long ago.)

Well, if we want to combine business and pleasure, we could always sign up as a building worker in North Korea where, according to Radio Free Asia, they’re in a great big hurry to complete a 60-building development on Pyongyang’s Ryomyung Street.

Available in the App Store!

So much so that project managers are shovelling crystal meth into their workforce as fast as possible to speed up construction, as they try to live up to the official Korean announcement about ushering in a “great golden age of construction”.

And for those who don’t want to go to North Korea but who still love hard building work — and could watch it for hours — there’s always the New York Daily News’ story about the new “Hikea” YouTube channel, and introduces it thus: “If you think building Ikea furniture is tough, try putting a piece together while tripping on shrooms or LSD. Totally high people try crafting the notoriously impossible-to-assemble Swedish furniture on the new YouTube channel ‘Hikea Productions’, which may be the greatest thing to ever hit the internet.”

But before you get inspired enough to head off to Ikea for your own NORDLI dresser kit — via an acquaintance or two for a little chemical assistance — be warned: there’s an equal failure rate for flatpack furniture makers either with or without a little help from their friends.

And there’s always some pieces left over at the end of it all, no matter what you’ve ingested.

So, rather than visiting IKEA, better to go out and pick up a bottle of champagne instead, because who knows — this might be your last chance for a while: CNBC tells us there’s a potential harvest loss of 70% this year thanks to rot, mildew and an extremely severe frost across the region.

And that means a seriously serious champagne production reduction.

Perhaps it’s Nature’s way of punishing humanity for the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Poke Wrap, described by People as sushi burritos in … well, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

But then again, Nature’s way of punishing people for waving iPads at dolphins is, as Fox News tells us, for an Orlando dolphin to grab a woman’s iPad and swim off and use it to enjoy a Pokémon Go hunt for Magikarp … all around Seaworld.

Or perhaps even try for Mega Gyrados, whose fangs, say Those In The Know, can crush stones.

Other fishy fangs able to crush other stones belong to a type of South American fish known as the pacu, while those other stones, says the St. Clair Shores Patch, originally belonged to a couple of Amazonian fishermen. Before they got bitten off. By a pacu.

Apparently the story went wild on the internet a few years back and was taken so seriously that when a pacu was caught in Danish waters a fish expert from the University of Copenhagen warned male swimmers against skinny dipping out at sea.

And one of those testicle chompers just got caught in Lake St. Clair, Michigan, as well as another one nearby in the Port Huron area.

Some might think a certain seriously polygamous Canadian former Mormon bishop (according to the Independent Journal Review, his current score stands at 27 wives and 145 children) should be invited for a waist-deep paddle down Michigan way before #146 appears.

However there’s always the very good chance of him being far too busy with Pokémon Go — like so many millions of others — to bother with any kind of conception.

But then again, Breitbart tells us of the woman (who chooses to remain anonymous, for some unknown reason) who called the Moscow police when she woke up and found herself being, er, poked by a Pokémon Go monster.

Strangely enough, the police didn’t believe her.

Breitbart doesn’t say whether she’d previously visited a friend or two before heading off to the Belaya Dacha branch of IKEA, but it does seem likely.

Which all leaves us wondering whether she ever finished her NORDLI dresser kit … and if she did, how many pieces were left over afterwards.

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