ANATOMY OF A POORLY CRAFTED APOLOGY IN FOUR ACTS
At age [unrelated to the action of assaulting a person],
and due to a physical condition [unrelated to the action of assaulting a person],
PERPETRATOR admits to assaulting a person as a joke, which the good ones tolerated as a joke,
while the others [insert passive-aggressive “clearly”] have no sense of humor.
To [the parties too unimportant-to-name here], PERPETRATOR apologizes.
Today, PERPETRATOR was accused of committing sexual assault, and apologizes fully, except —
PERPETRATOR would like to add some context, including that PERPETRATOR and ACCUSER had previously had consensual sex [unrelated to the later action of assaulting a person],
and ACCUSER continued to communicate with me later [unrelated to whether the actual action of assaulting a person was assault],
and PERPETRATOR is, of course, friends with many women in many places,
but setting aside all the above equivocations, PERPETRATOR nonetheless apologizes unequivocally.
Any allegations of non-consensual sex are unequivocally denied by PERPETRATOR. PERPETRATOR believes that all of these relationships were consensual.
PERPETRATOR does not remember [sexual assault] because it was [emphasis on long ago] and PERPETRATOR was [sympathetic state of unawareness]. But if [AUDIENCE chooses to believe] it happened, then PERPETRATOR sincerely apologizes.
And although PERPETRATOR has been very coy about their sexuality all these years, PERPETRATOR would like to end this apology by coming out as gay 🌈 [PERPETRATOR encourages media outlets to please feel free to report on either matter in the order least likely to harm the show ratings and reputation of PERPETRATOR].
PERPETRATOR commits to examining whether being in the closet can explain PERPETRATOR’s advances on an adolescent [which, it cannot].