ANATOMY OF A POORLY CRAFTED APOLOGY IN FOUR ACTS


I.

At age [unrelated to the action of assaulting a person],

and due to a physical condition [unrelated to the action of assaulting a person],

PERPETRATOR admits to assaulting a person as a joke, which the good ones tolerated as a joke,

while the others [insert passive-aggressive “clearly”] have no sense of humor.

To [the parties too unimportant-to-name here], PERPETRATOR apologizes.

II.

Today, PERPETRATOR was accused of committing sexual assault, and apologizes fully, except —

PERPETRATOR would like to add some context, including that PERPETRATOR and ACCUSER had previously had consensual sex [unrelated to the later action of assaulting a person],

and ACCUSER continued to communicate with me later [unrelated to whether the actual action of assaulting a person was assault],

and PERPETRATOR is, of course, friends with many women in many places,

but setting aside all the above equivocations, PERPETRATOR nonetheless apologizes unequivocally.

III.

Any allegations of non-consensual sex are unequivocally denied by PERPETRATOR. PERPETRATOR believes that all of these relationships were consensual.

IV.

PERPETRATOR does not remember [sexual assault] because it was [emphasis on long ago] and PERPETRATOR was [sympathetic state of unawareness]. But if [AUDIENCE chooses to believe] it happened, then PERPETRATOR sincerely apologizes.

And although PERPETRATOR has been very coy about their sexuality all these years, PERPETRATOR would like to end this apology by coming out as gay 🌈 [PERPETRATOR encourages media outlets to please feel free to report on either matter in the order least likely to harm the show ratings and reputation of PERPETRATOR].

PERPETRATOR commits to examining whether being in the closet can explain PERPETRATOR’s advances on an adolescent [which, it cannot].

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