#ImWithHer Election Troubleshoot Hotline, Alex speaking.
— START CALL 12:31 PM —
A: Good morning. Welcome to the #ImWithHer Election Troubleshoot Hotline. My name is Alex, how can I help you crank out the vote today?
B: Hi, my name’s Ben and I’m having trouble getting firm commitments for HRC from my pro-Bernie friends. We’ve tried running stories on the 7–10 of them who said they’d vote for Trump or Johnson to discredit the politics of the other millions. We’ve tried running stories on the #BernieorBust ones to … discredit their progressive politics? We’ve tried shaming them for even being engaged in the primary process enough to bother looking shit up in the first place. We’ve even tried pushing them into traffic whenever one pulls up a video clip of Hillary contradicting herself, or worse yet, any article about her 2008 campaign. All without avail. I was hoping you could help me out?
A: You’ve come to the right place. The good news is that I have a number of solutions to assist you.
B: And the bad news?
A: There is no bad news. America’s already great! Which reminds me. If we get disconnected during this call, just give us a call back at 1–800-USA-FINE and ask for Alex.
A: Super. So, Ben, I know this is silly but I have to start with the basics. Have you tried logging out of Facebook and Twitter, logging back on, and *then* consistently misgendering all Bernie supporters as “Bros” ?
B: I haven’t. I think that was discouraged at the last #StayWoke allyship training I attended —
A: Actually, Ben, it’s a little known fact that if you assume the supporters are cis women, then dismissing them as bros or “Berniebros,” as applicable, is acceptable. To date, Everydayfeminism.com’s algorithm does not recognize the term as problematic so it’s definitely an option.
B: Good to know.
A: Now, this isn’t foolproof so I want to give you a couple more options. If you have a few minutes today, I’d suggest penning an opus piece on social media shaming the Berniebros you’re trying to collect. It seems counterintuitive but we’ve done a study, thanks to a generous JPMorgan donation, and have found a 53% success rate with “A-P-T,” our patented essay structuring method.
A: Yes, it stands for “Avoid, Pivot, and Taze.” Very simple. Whenever Bernie supporters bring up quote unquote substantive issues like Hillary’s political ideology, her resume, speeches, votes, past campaign strategies, AVOID by refusing to engage the supporter on Hillary’s past problematic behavior and positions. From there, you PIVOT. Do you want to guess the percentage of Berniebros who have heard of Donald Trump, Ben?
B: No idea, Alex.
A: Zero percent. That’s right. Not a single one of them knows or understands who Trump is and how Scary he is for democracy. So it’s crucial to always pivot back to Trump whenever the conversation shifts towards what policies Hillary would support.
B: Got it. And if they refuse to embrace the pivot?
A: Block them on Twitter.
B: Even the POCs?
A: Especially the POCs. But this should be a fourth-to-last resort. In most instances, the pivot leads right into the last part of the exercise. “T” for TAZE. Hey now, I don’t make up the acronyms, alright? :) Anyway, TAZE is just a fancy word for what amounts to skewering these Bernie supporters, or as the meddling Russians would call it in latin: ad hominem. Question their personal integrity for refusing to set aside their politics to support a candidate with a perfectly exciting gender and flexible center-right values. And, if I may further suggest, ALL CAPS ARE NEVER A BAD IDEA.
B: Thanks, I tried that before with little success … but I’ll reboot my computer after the nomination and try the TAZE again to see what happens.
A: Absolutely, which brings me to my next point. A lot of Bernie supporters have never even met a woman, especially considering that none of them are women, so if you can, always remind them that Hillary Is A Woman and that It Is Extremely Relevant.
B: Gosh, almost forgot myself!
A: If they go catatonic at this point, turn on some hippity hip, pro-Hillary, music to bring them back. My mother recommends Katy Perry and Demi Levato.
B: Okay, I’ll try to remember that.
A: Now, we’re almost done. But you happen to be calling at a really exciting time, so I’ll suggest one more thing. I don’t know if you’re a delegate or anything —
B: I am.
A: Perfect. We’re actually piloting a new program, which may include cutting Bernie surrogates who refuse to fall in line faster than Lani Guinier at a confirmation hearing. And, more relevant for you, we’re also enrolling participants for the media campaign we’re unveiling at convention as part of the program.
B: Oh yeah? What’s it called?
A: It’s tentatively called “Your Booing Is Violence.” Our preliminary testing shows that equating the impact of booing to funneling arms to death squads in Honduras should play well with Berniebros aged 18–24. So we need folks like you to repost these articles with increasingly alarmed commentary as much as possible.
B: Send me the links!
A: Already have, check your inbox. I also attached a script you can use to convince your Berniebro friends that if they’re not spending time and energy campaigning for Hillary, it is a literal vote for Trump. How does that sound?
B: Like … we’re gonna need a bigger hat! Well, thanks again for your help. I feel prepared to go forth and convince these worthless assholes.
A: You’re welcome, good luck!
— END CALL 12:48 PM —