I say I don’t love you because…

I say I don’t love you because I never want to. get hurt. I have witnessed over and over the heart-wrenching pain love can bring. Aside from being a near victim myself, I have watched my friends go through heartbreak, their once vibrant love fading into resentment, pain and regret. To expose myself to such hurt which transcends to a physical stretch of my heart muscles is something I don’t look forward to.

I say I don’t love you because I unconsciously learn that being vulnerable is not cute. The society has put in me the fear of being open or bare or raw. It paints love as something messy and unpredictable. I don’t want to be seen as weak or foolish so I’d rather hold it in. It just feels safer to keep my feelings to myself.

I say I don’t love you because I somehow believe that love is a game, a power struggle where one person inevitably ends up getting hurt. So in other to avoid this, we try not to show too much or care else we would be taken for fools. So don’t blame if I avoid this thing we have that feels like a risky gamble, unsure if the payoff will be worth the potential pain.

I say I don’t love you because what if you don’t say it back? What if I scare you away? What if I’m moving too fast? What if I’m just not ready for the consequences? I’m afraid of showing you the depth of my emotions only to have them met with indifference or rejection. It’s easier to keep my feelings locked away than to risk exposing myself to the possibility of being hurt.

I say I don’t love you because what if you do say it back and…and someday I stop doing so? And I don’t mean the words again?

I’m afraid of giving my heart away so I tell you that I don’t love you because it’s easier.

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