Alternative New Years Resolutions That Are Fun To Keep in 2017!

2017 Bitches!

So it’s the 5th of January and I’m going to make a wild guess that you’ve broken every resolution you made for 2017 within twenty seconds of 2017. You know why? Because these damn resolutions fucking suck and no-one wants to actually make friends with salad, drink less or adult like a proper grown-up adult.

So instead of lying to yourself about a whole lot of resolutions you won’t keep, I’ve come up with some far more realistic options, cos, I̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶p̶a̶i̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶, I mean — I’ve you got you fam! Check out my alternative resolutions that are actually awesome fun to keep.

Instead of Trying to Lose Weight- Gain it…..

People who are happy to eat kale and quinoa (and don’t get me started how stupid this word is when it’s said Keeennwaahhhh) are the type of people I can see imagining putting hamsters in their microwaves. That shit just ain’t normal.

I say eat more. Eat everything. Quit work and take up professional eating. If anybody criticises you on your life choices, eat them too. You don’t need that sort of negativity in your life.

Instead of Drunk Texting, Sober Text Weird Shit All The Time….

Pffffft. Drunk texting on a night out anyone from your tinder crush to your sworn primary school nemesis, is, well, so predictable.

Why not start sober texting weird stuff all the time instead? Running late for work on a Monday? Text your boss, “running late soz Wuv u, u haave a nice butt”. Text your bestie on Wednesday morning “yo wer uuu att gurl. Sooo fkn hammered. Come get whhhhite gurl wasssted”. Text your ex every minute of the day, every day, until they block you. And just to keep things interesting send texts with important information and perfect grammar after you’re 10 tequila shots deep whilst simultaneously making out with a shoe.

Instead of Letting Go of Grudges — Hold More…

Who trusts all that “positive energy” and “letting go of the past” bullshit anyway. I say instead of letting go of grudges hold onto more. Get super petty and let everything and anything annoy you. The coffee shop guy that accidentally made your double shot mocha latte with almond milk instead of soy? Put a curse on his first unborn child. The person who got promoted above you, who clearly deserved it, get a voodoo doll and start pinning. Hate on Tom Hanks because his good deeds and kind personality are freakin annoying. If you get sent to anger management classes you know you’re on the right path.

Instead of Drinking Less, Drink More…

I once heard that wine was good for your heart and beer is a good low-calorie snack so whoever these other asshats are that say drinking is bad for you are stuck in the toilet dump that was 2016 and don’t know how to move on with their lives.

You know what’s an excellent accompaniment for your morning toast? A Bloody Mary. Lunchtime curry? Beer. A shitload of beer. And just replace dinner with a salad. A salad made of grapes. I’m talking about wine. If you have trouble affording your new drinking habit take up gambling and when that stops working steal from your flatmates. Lol, you’re so funny when you’re getting turnt.

Instead of Saving Money, Spend More….

If we learned anything from 2016 it’s that we are no longer trusted with real gun emoji’s and the end of the world is nigh, so as far as I’m concerned saving money is for stupid people. Spend every cent you have. Buy holidays to the Maldives, designer clothes, a shrine made from gold of Ryan Reynolds. Heck, why not buy every pointless item on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop. If you run out of money get into debt. Get into so much debt that you have to go bankrupt. When this happens assume a new identity and start this process again. Continue the cycle until the world ends.

Instead of Dating Fuckboys- Become the Fuckboy…

Every year you say the same thing. You gotta stop dating fuckboys. But here we are again and the guy you’re seeing says he’s out with the boys but then his Snapchat story comes up and he’s at a lit party pashing some bird that clearly isn’t you.

Fuck this shit. It’s time for the ultimate clapback. Stop dating the fuckboy, and become the fuckboy. Date fourteen guys at once. Lie and cheat on everyone you know. Push everyone away until you die alone and one of your 72 cats eats your face. #revenge.

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