How To Know You’re Dating A Fuckboy

So, years ago in an easier time, I was engaged to a human man (shocking I know). The idea of a fuckboy was a faraway concept only heard of in whispers from my single friends.

Fast forward to 2016, and the last guy I told I loved said he was going to call the police unless I paid for my pizza delivery. The longest relationship I’ve maintained since is the hot and steamy thing I’ve got going on with my Netflix subscription. Things were ok (in the background- Narrator: Things were definitely not ok). But it was time to get back out there on the dating horse again before I accepted I was romantically challenged and gave up altogether.

Mistake. Big fucking mistake. In my quest to find someone that low-key looked at me the way everyone looked at Meryl Streep during her Golden Globes speech, I found this was a horrible world of cheating, lies and general fuckboy behaviour. I went through it so you don’t have to. Here are the signs to look out for…

They Lie to Everyone But You…..

Lying’s really not my forte, mainly because I’m fucking terrible at it. Even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t purposely go out of my way to deceive people for shits and giggles. Except when I’m drunk, of course, and think it’s highly amusing to make up stories about being a single parent with eleven children support on a circus clown wage.

Putting drunk Vanessa aside, lying’s a pretty damn shitty thing to do. Especially to your nearest and dearest. If the person you are seeing seems to lie to everyone in their life but promises they don’t lie to you, there ain’t no plot twist here, girlfriend. They are definitely lying smack bang to your face, no matter how many times he tells you it’s different with you. It’s not. I guarantee it.

They Refuse To Post Things on Social Media…..

I’m not suggesting you post photos online of yourselves wearing each other’s faces on your t-shirts. Or tag yourself into a three-day anniversary or something equally as stupid. Personally, that bullshit makes me want to throw up my breakfast and that’s before I’ve had a sneaky few wines to get the creative juices flowing.

However, if you’ve been seeing each other for over six months and they still refuse to take any photos with you. Or be tagged anywhere in your presence. And your friends are openly taking bets on how long it will be before you admit you made him up, then the person you are seeing is clearly hiding something. By something, I mean their wife or their other girlfriends that are also on their Facebook page.

They Go Missing and Don’t Answer Their Phones….

Here’s a fun fact. It takes about thirty seconds to respond to a text message. I don’t care if your Pokemon Go Game is that strong you’ve got an Articuno in your sights, or you’re attempting a goddamn world record at something. You’ve always got a second to respond to a message, no matter what.

If they normally have their phone on them 24/7 then all of a sudden they’ve gone rogue and aren’t contactable then something is up, you guys. Extra fuckboy points if their excuse is as farfetched as they’ve been at a funeral all day/night so they couldn’t answer their phone. Correct me if I’m wrong but there are no such things as surprise funerals, that’s one thing you’d know about well in advance.

They Won’t Cut Contact…..

Look, I’m hardly a savage person. I cried in an episode of Survivor because I felt like the Vavua tribe was at a major disadvantage by Saanapu being able to pick their team members for the merge. My bleeding heart just couldn’t take it. What I do know is this: Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. If an ex is constantly messaging you or contacting you via social media then it’s time to use that magical life-saving invention called the block button.

Don’t get me wrong, I am friends with most of my exes that weren’t fuckboys, but it does take time to heal the wounds enough to work on a friendship. If the person you are seeing refuses to cut contact with their ex but tells you they don’t want anything to do with them, then clearly they are not ready to let go of them either.

Lastly, Their Ex Posts Photos of Them Together…..

As any male can attest to, a female and her friends have better skills than the CIA and FBI combined when it comes to finding out info on a boy in this digital age. Whether it’s the name of his great auntie’s best friends’ daughter’s cat or who his older sisters boyfriends first crush was in year 2, we got this shit!

Imagine my surprise when the fuckboy I was seeing was tagged with his ex that “he didn’t want anything to do with” when I was away on holidays. I mean, for FFS Tiger Woods, you didn’t even try and hide it. Even funnier when he denies it than she posts more photo’s of them away together and then photos with his mum as her “mother-in-law”.

Firstly, it’s common courtesy to let the person you’re dating know you don’t want to be with them anymore. Secondly, it’s pure fuckery letting them find out through social media. This is the most obvious, undeniable sign that you’re dating a fuckboy.

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