My 100% Completely Fool-Proof Tips to Land Your Dream Job.

It’s 2017 and New Year means new career. Yeah, I’m a poet and I fucking know it. Anyhoos. If the most fun you’ve had at work lately is covering Deborah’s booth with Nickelback posters or putting a sign on the microwave saying it’s “voice-activated”, then it really is time to look for a new job.

And not just any job, you guys. One where the thought of going to work on a Monday doesn’t leave you questioning which limb you need less to hack off to get the disability pension. Or how to fake your own death for the insurance money.

So where do you even start and what do you do? Sit down, relax and grab a coffee (and by coffee I mean wine). You’re about to get woke. Here are my 100% completely fool-proof tips to land your dream job.

The first thing you need to do is decide what position you want, with which company. Don’t let a little thing like the role not being available stop you. Did your mama race a quitter? Show enthusiasm by hunting down the person in the current role, finding their old Myspace accounts or hacking into their icloud. Blackmail them with incriminating photos until they agree to resign and leave the country.

As Chopper Reid, a person we should definitely take advice from in all life situations once said- Never let the truth get in the way of a good story. The same sentiment goes for your resume. Over-sell yourself and lie through your teeth about your skills and experience. If Donald Trump being elected the American President is anything to go off, i̶t̶s̶ ̶w̶o̶n̶d̶e̶r̶f̶u̶l̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶R̶u̶s̶s̶i̶a̶n̶ ̶H̶a̶c̶k̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶s̶i̶d̶e̶,̶ ̶ the least qualified candidate can still get the job. And probably cause the end of the world, but minor details.

When you get to the interview stage it’s important to be prepared as possible. Find your interviewer on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and Tinder if possible. Low-key start stalking them in real-life. Befriend their parents and invite them over for dinner. Tie them up and keep them in your basement in case you need to use them as a ransom for the role later.

You can establish rapport quickly in an interview by mimicking the accent of your interviewer and making racist slurs against any other race or religion they are not part of. Declaring things like “Hitler was just misunderstood” shows that you’re not scared to share your opinion, no matter how polarising it may be. Slay, fam!

Show your loyalty to the new organisation by talking shit about your boss and colleagues at your current company. “I mean Margaret, or should I say Fucking JUDAS, dobbed on me to my manager Robert when I dropped all the meat on the floor but decided to use it anyway. That skank hoe bitch Robert actually gave me a warning for it. Can you believe it?”

Answer the question: “Where do you see yourself in five years time” with “Well Sandra, according to the prophecy, this is the time we should have revolted against the system. I don’t think it’s too far too fetched to believe that after we defeat the dark lord my minions and I will be ruling the world within this time-frame”. Sandra will be fucking shook, I tell ya.

It’s best to be open about your expectations of the job and the amount of effort you are willing to put into the role. Demanding twice the advertised salary plus every Monday and Friday off, as well as a personal assistant to delegate all your tasks to shows that you are a real go-getter. That’s impressive shit!

Instead of writing an email thanking them for meeting with you, a far more effective way of staying ahead of the other candidates and the forefront of your interviewer’s mind is to break into their house and replacing all their family photo’s with photo’s of yourself instead. Do they really need all those images of their children anyway? Toddlers are kinda gross, let’s be honest.

In the unlikely event that you weren’t offered the position don’t let that defeat you. Show up every day anyway. They’ll eventually assume you do work there and put you on the payroll. If you can mastermind your way into getting back-pay since the time you randomly started showing up, then let’s declare you the real MVP and be done. Boom.

Followed my terrible career tips? It’s time to talk to GradAustralia instead which offers the best graduate jobs, internships & graduate programs in Australia. Offering the leading graduate employers and careers advice in one location, you can trust their tips to actually help your career, unlike my own.