I always knew I wanted to be a mom. My family and past friends have always said, “Vanessa you’re too crazy, I can’t see you ever having children.” Out loud I agreed, but inside it was an entirely different story. I think it all started when my first cousins were born. I am the oldest of all the “kids” in this generation. In my 10 year old brain at that time, I felt like I was responsible for them, like I was also their protector when I was around. That’s when I knew I wanted children of my own. Not just the general “ I want kids someday.” It felt like more than that. I even wanted(and still do) adopt. I always told myself since the very beginning, “ I better marry a man who wants to adopt as well.” And you know what the sad thing is? I did. And right now, it’s not enough.
I believe in karma 150%. I used to tell myself and everyone else whenever sex or parenting got brought up in a convo that I wasn’t “going to have any problems getting pregnant”. I was an arrogant little girl. The foolishness of saying and thinking that really made me bite the bullet now that I’m older. Here I am…that infertile girl.I truly believe that in some way, infertility is partly my karma for beign such a little prick. I now have a new found respect and admiration for all women who have ever lost or tried for a baby.
Infertility has taught me many things. Life is not easy. Things don’t always go the way we plan. I fucking hate that. I hate not feeling or being in control of my life. But on the other hand it has taught me patience. It’s taught me that it’s okay to be sad but it’s important to pick yourself up. It’s taught me that I have the CHOICE to be happy and that I should ALWAYS be grateful because I have a lot more than others in other ways. It’s also taught me that everything happens for a reason even if I can’t see the reason for a long…long time. I feel bitter. I feel hate. I feel hurt. I feel all of these ten-fold every time a friend or aquaintance posts a new pregnancy announcement or a new picture of their newborn/infant. It makes me turn into a hateful person. It has brought me down to my knees, praying, crying, screaming and asking whatever higher power why I am THAT girl. Why me? I’m afraid one day my husband won’t be okay with my infertility anymore and then he’ll leave me. And I’ll watch him have a family with someone else, the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I have had many sleepless nights and cried many tears. I’ve screamed at the mirror looking at myself demanding an answer to why it doesn’t work correctly. But in the end, it has also taught me to love and cherish the ones around me even more. It has taught me to never take anyone or anything for granted.
I love my family. I absolutely love being an auntie to my best friends’ kids even though they aren’t mine by blood. Those kids keep me going and make me feel loved. I always hope to be in their lives in the future. And I will continue to have faith that everything happens for a good reason,even if that reason means that I’ll never have kids of my own. I have to remember, every flower must grow through dirt.