Do You Know What It Means to Be In A Band? 7 Questions to Ask Yourself
“A lot of times musicians tend to develop a sense of ego, and I mean that in more of a Freudian way, where you get blinded by your own goals and are no longer part of a thing — you are you. I think with our band, and all the bands we ever looked up to and respected, we are actual bands.”
-Ben Kowalewicz (Billy Talent)
I have a serious question. Do you know what it means to be in a band?
Right now, do it. Stop reading and ask yourself:
Do I know what it means — like, actually — to be in a band?
Yes, this is a set up — I’m asking because I don’t believe a lot of you do. At least, not the ones I talk to. I can come up with a handful of theories for why or how, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that, more days than not, I bear witness to artists pissing poison all over their God-given gift to share music with the world, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to accept it. But accepting this epidemic of ignorance doesn’t mean I can’t write about it.
I’ve been writing about it for a long time, if only half-wittingly, because for the last couple of years I’ve focused my attention as a journalist to asking artists I respect and admire to open up and help me help you figure out how to find peace of mind in this chaotic, dysfunctional, soul crushing clusterfuck of a so-called industry.
And that’s when the patterns started to emerge — a series of inconceivable experiences, traumatizing lessons, immeasurable gains and undeserved losses that, across the board, forge a mutual set of values that are as close to that coveted “formula” as we’re ever gonna get. It’s the formula that achieves the type of success worth more than any level of fame or riches could offer.
Purpose.
So many questions answered with the intention to allow wisdom to fall into the laps of those who could use it, only to be diverted by deaf ears. So instead, I turn my questions to you.
Does your band rely mainly on talent?
Straight up: talent does not keep a band together the same way good looks don’t keep couples together. Who you are as a person will ultimately define where you end up in terms of music. People may be impressed by your talent, but they will not connect with it.
“Anyone can practice. Anyone can become good on a guitar. But there’s a truth [to art] — and it can take time to get there — that when you recognize it, you just recognize it.”
-Mark Spicoluk (Closet Monster, Founder of Underground Operations)
See to it that your relationships are intact and built on strong foundations, or be prepared to watch your extraordinary talent be ignored much in the same way you’ve ignored your obligation to seek integrity. This isn’t a theory, it’s a fact.
Do you compare yourself to other artists/bands?
If you’re one of those jerks who is genuinely confused by someone who doesn’t write/sing/play as well as you, but is happier/busier/more successful than you, hear me out: it’s not the industry that’s twisted and corrupt — it’s you.
“Every artist has their own path to success, and you have to be brave as fuck to get it. A lot of people will touch success, but to truly obtain the journey and walk it, you have to completely love who you are and be driven by what it is inside of you — the purest form of needing to create and express — and then be brave enough to do it. When you do that, honestly and sincerely, you’ll get to a point where you find your destiny.”
-Mark Spicoluk (Closet Monster, Founder of Underground Operations)
Where anyone else is at in their career has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is not indicative of or in any way related to your path. But if you insist on making comparisons, you’ll gain more from seeing how your attitude and values measure up against those who have what you want.
Is being in a band your “escape” from an otherwise unsatisfactory life?
“I thought that once I got to the level where My Darkest Days was at, I would feel I’ve achieved everything, and that it would be a cakewalk from there. But as soon as I got to that point, I realized it’s just like any other job — I’m not happy.”
-Sal Costa (My Darkest Days, Smashing Satellites)
Okay, this is a bit of a tough one to explain since music is universally known to improve lives. I’m not saying being in a band can’t change your life — the operative (and abused) keyword here is “escape”.
A wasted life is one spent chasing external solutions to internal conflicts, and the difference between being in a band and just playing music (or using music to make gains) to distract yourself is that one allows your true identity to contribute to something bigger than yourself, and the other just lets you hide from reality until it wears out its welcome.
If you start or join a band believing that it in itself will bring you happiness, you’re in for an asskicking awakening when the band suddenly becomes your problem, and you find yourself turning to sex or drugs or video games or whatever to escape from that.
“You have to look at yourself honestly, underneath all of the bullshit and baggage, and realize that you are exactly where you deserve to be in this moment. We are progressive and our reality is completely unique, so each of us — band or not — has to find a way to express our reality truthfully.”
-Mark Spicoluk (Closet Monster, Founder of Underground Operations)
This is what separates the bands who eventually fall apart without so much as ever giving themselves a chance — not enough money, singer is too controlling, nobody wants to sign us, drummer is never on time, etc — from the bands who hold each other’s backs through circumstances painful enough to test even the strongest families. Real bands are the ones who cry and scream through the pain together, and come out the other side stronger, wiser, humbler, and willing to do it all over again if that’s the way it’s meant to be.
What are you in it for?
“If you’re in this for money, go work at the bank. Get out.”
-Jon Landry (The Stanfields)
There are so many more reasons to not be in a band than reasons to be, including but not limited to: recognition, money, lifestyle, sex, power, revenge, an endless supply of drumsticks/skinny jeans/followers …you may find it, but I guarantee you it will be so fleeting and unsatisfying compared to the amount of work you’ll have to put in to get it.
Don’t sweat yourself dry on the notion that any of this will make you happy. If the art and the journey in pursuit of the music itself isn’t enough, you are committing your energy to inevitable disappointment.
Do you understand the market?
If not, learn it. There is no sentiment more tragically self-sabotaging than “Fuck social media/Spotify/record labels/journalists/promoters/publicists — I don’t need ‘em”.
Let’s break it down:
At the extreme right end of the music market pole, you will find solely for-profit machines that crunch numbers into radio hits 24/7. The extreme left end is all about wholly selfish expression of art that pays no mind to capitalism whatsoever. The vast majority lay between, in a grey area of desire to generate an income by connecting with others through honest expression.
Here in this grey area exists an epic moral standoff where artists refuse to cooperate with people who literally dedicate their lives to helping them succeed — the very same people these artists complain won’t give them a chance, while somehow simultaneously claiming they don’t actually do anything useful. What in the actual fuck is this nonsensical insanity? Stop, just for a second, and try to tell me this isn’t true.
But even more important than understanding the market is to respect the market. Do you? This is by far the most important question for me because there never fails to be at least one delusional mind in every band I work with that questions my every contribution, as if A) they know better but have absolutely nothing but resistance to offer, or B) I’m out to screw them over and take all of the money (they don’t have) and run off with their (nonexistent) masterpieces.
“I’ve played in bands where there was maybe one member who didn’t want to pull their weight, or was too controlling, or just questioned every decision and was a negative presence. I knew pretty early on that those bands were doomed.”
-Stefan Babcock (PUP)
Yes, I acknowledge the exceptions to the rule; however, to respect the market is to understand that, as an artist seeking any level of success in the commercial market, you have to first accept that you are part of a much larger and wiser ecosystem — one that is designed more for you than against.
What it comes down to is this:
Keep questioning our integrity and our experience all your want — but be warned that you do so at the expense of your reputation among those of us who mean well, work hard, and know better.
Do you really care about your bandmates and the team around you?
It seems like a no-brainer, but the question actually asks if you have any idea what it means to have a meaningful relationship. For years, I fought so hard to maintain the line of professionalism, bouncing back and forth between intuition and textbook logic, between “I feel” and “I think”; yet each time I would collapse under the pressure of falling hopelessly in love with the artists I work with (platonically and, in rare cases, romantically) because — no, I’m not sorry — I don’t see how making music with someone and caring about them can be mutually exclusive.
“It’s important, I think, that everybody in the band knows what they’re getting into; you’ll probably never make money, you might not play any good shows, it’s gonna be a lot of hard work for not a lot of payoff. But, you get to play music with your friends. And that’s amazing.”
-Stefan Babcock (PUP)
When your sincere focus, your entire reason for waking up in the morning, is to translate your most personal thoughts and feelings to a language designed to connect people, explain to me how in the hell you can possibly maintain a rigid professional relationship? I can’t. I just can’t because I can’t find a single salt-sized grain of sense why I should want to. It makes far more sense — and offers far more growth and gain — to see those relationships through to their natural end, whether that be in a few months, years, or a lifetime.
I do care about your personal life, your personal relationships, and your overall well-being. At the end of the day, I’m just a loyal fan with an inside job.
Do you think being friends with your bandmates is a “bonus”?
Do you think being friends with your spouse is a “bonus”? I used to think I was super original in coming up with the “bands are like marriages” analogy but it turns out that this is actually common fucking sense (!!) among the successful.
And seriously guys, shove it with your famous exceptions to the rule. So fucking what if Zeppelin, The Stones, Oasis etc hate each other? It’s densely shortsighted to believe you can “put up” with your bandmates until you reach …what, exactly? Whatever held those bands together despite their mutual hatred for one another does not exist in your world.
“The glitter doesn’t exist anymore. I’d rather be a band that tours and plays for 20 years as opposed to being the new band with the big hit that lasts 45 seconds and is gone.”
-Ben Kowalewicz (Billy Talent)
Read: Wake. The. Fuck. Up.
It would be really naive of me to believe that any humbling epiphanies will happen as a result of reading any of this, because I know that’s not the way it works. It’s not stuff you can learn in school or, in this case, by reading a blog. Truth can be shown to you through your experience, but nobody can force you to believe it. It’s not my intention.
But maybe…just maybe…when you’re standing at a crossroads somewhere down the line wondering what’s missing, one of these questions will pop in your head, followed by some honest insight that will ultimately shift your perspective by a quarter inch. That’s when truth comes into focus.
All my love, friends. Godspeed.
