The 9 Levels Of Melissa’s Female Friendships, Explained
Best Friend
Congrats! You’ve made it! You’re the person whose name Melissa literally cannot mention without first qualifying that you are her best friend. Sometimes she even uses the shorthand “my best friend,” and when she does that, she’s totally referring to you! Of course, this status is rarely permanent and can sometimes transform over time. Beware that, though you were inseparable growing up, you may one day become “my best friend from home,” as Melissa will undoubtedly make new friends in the next stages of her adult life with whom she will make everlasting memories over shots of 99 Apples.
Like, A Really Good Friend Of Mine
Oh, man. I know this sounds bad, but let’s focus on the good thing here: Melissa’s use of “like” suggests she needed a second to think about exactly where you fall in her unpredictable hierarchy. That means you’re on the brink, baby! Stick with it. Add all the events from her life — regardless of how unimportant — to your own calendar so you can text her the next day to ask her how it went. Better yet: pre-empt these events with a good luck message!
Ride or Die
You are the friend Melissa calls when she wants to make a bad decision. Alternatively, she may have already made a bad decision and she needs you to tell her to “live her life” and be “sorry not sorry” about it. If you run out of ways to express this sentiment, try “Women are nothing without their secrets.”
Like A Sister To Me
You’ve known Melissa her whole life, probably because your moms worked together and you were forced to hang out as children, then were in completely different friend groups in high school. That means you also know she’s a complete bitch, so you don’t really hang out with her. You stay in touch out of obligation and respect for how long you’ve known each other. But in reality, Melissa is one tone-deaf Facebook post away from getting cut out of your life.
Sister
You and Melissa came from the same womb. Or maybe you didn’t and you’ve got this coveted title courtesy of a second marriage. Who cares? The only thing the women in Melissa’s life know is that you are always going to have a one-up on them, and it will drive them crazy that, no matter how close they believe they are to Melissa, you are the unattainable level of intimate with her. You might have shared a tub with her as a toddler! It will kill them.
Friend From College
Things you have in common include, but are not limited to: being in the same sorority, living in the same dorm, being in the same classes together. Your friendship is unlikely to last beyond graduation day, but you will remain connected on Facebook to see who gets married first, who ages the most gracefully, and, ultimately, so you can benefit from each other’s #TBT Timehops.
Work Wife
Melissa started her career and realized it’s just easier to have a friend who already knows the names and attitudes of all her coworkers. You will accompany her each day for coffee. Your cycles will sync up.
Work Friend
Your invitations to outings are not guaranteed. In fact, when one of you leaves the company you’ll probably never talk again. But stay in Melissa’s good graces! Bitches like her get promoted at the expense of people like you, and you’ll probably need her for a professional reference before long. (You should continue to hate her in secret.)
This Girl I Know
What’s ironic about this label is that Melissa doesn’t know you very well at all. You probably have a mutual friend or met once or twice through some kind of extracurricular activity. But ultimately your role in Melissa’s life is to give her all your best, most interesting stories so she can quote them at parties when she inevitably discovers she herself is not all that interesting.
