A sloth’s guide to hiking :: ...Oops :)

An exuberant sloth(A lazy bum here not an actual sloth :P) with an exaggerated sense of his fitness abilities wakes up from his slumber and decides to go on a trek.

He has a soft corner for nature especially those snow-drenched mountains: the only and only time his drooping eyes gain altitude are in their awe-inspiring presence.

They said “Dude,it’s 27 km; that’s your lifetime-km”

They said “Fellas,the joke of the century to be unveiled soon”

“Child’s play” said he (“Ignorance is really bliss”)

Roll down the curtains on his recent accolades:

Max distance covered in a stretch :Desk to watercooler (300m@5 m/min)- He’s got a standing ovation for this staggering feat!!!!!!

Weight “Pile”ometer speed- 2 kg/month.Well-you can PM him for his diet chart :)

15 days to go.(Yeah I know that’s early)

Sloth get-fit arsenal on cutting edge.

Intense physical activity of 10 min run interspersed with 2 min water breaks

Escalator Stunts(Altitude Simulation):3 steps in the opposite direction Woahhhhhhh……..

Walk in the house counts

Curling up in the bed damn counts

Day-Dreaming of those lifted arms on the summit.(This is “Awesommmmm” as his demi-god Kung-fu Panda would say)

7 days to go.

Save energy.

Save your breath.

Slacko hammers the snooze button.

Resting is the name of the game before the D-day.

1 day to go.

“Mountain nights ain’t your warm nights- Buy your Jackets pulzzz”

“I have got my windcheater”

“Rubble rubble down your sole- Buy your Trekking soles pulzzz”

“I have got my canvases”

“Up the hill down your heart — Try to Run a mile pulzzz”

“I am the sloth Half-M record-holder”

Good to go.

Roger that.

Ultra-Confidence Stats:Broke the barometer.

Preparation Stats:Mercury doesn’t give a damn.

D-day arrives.

He was all swagger as the Tempo trudged through the treacherous ravine path leading to the point where civilization ends and the crusade begins.

Remember “Child’s play”

Well, “Nature” had other plans.

As the hike unfolds,he wilts.

Breathes heavy.

Legs stalled in their path.

Pain permeates through every nerve.

Rubble pinches through the sneaker “soles”(What goes around comes around :Remember “show-cause” notice to Trekking shoes)’

His sloth spirit further exacerbates the slightest physical discomfort.

The path of least resistance was the steepest incline.

Well “this ain’t for the meek”.

His comrades almost near the horizon return all the way back.The chain is only as strong as the weakest link.

What can cleave through this “Wall”of Slothism???(Assuming no magical Dragon-glass here )

Well they arrive as a rag-tag bunch:

Backpack offload works(Poor comrades as porters;Give them a KF panda hug):10 steps ahead now
Pep talk works(I would hire the speech-writer;Awakened thy sloth):20 steps ahead now
Group Hip-hop Rap works(I want that rapper;Snail’s grooving):40 steps ahead now

Multiply that 10x!!!!!!!

And he manages to trudge to an extent.

Not long before that treacherous Slacko spirit peers out .It viciously tugs hard at the heart on the verge of a rare elevation.

Slouch forces gobble him up.

Visualize “warm cozy beds” mode activated!!!!

The onslaught was relentless.

His temples gradually make their way to their favorite destination:The warm blanket of mother earth(literally).

Slumps flat onto the ground.

This is gonna take a while……………………

Poor comrades deserve the greatest sympathy.

Distance covered:5 km
Time taken: You know it already-An eternity.

“Staying true to the sloth spirit”

Catch up on the next installment subject to the dictates of the sloth mind!!! Haha

Snacking on daily doses of willpower. Thy would be back soon.


-Inspired by my first hike to Harkidhun, Uttarakhand, India with First Pilgrim.