Being 30-Single and Nigerian
“This is your year”. It’s the prayer many share with you when you spare a few moments of your time. And because you understand they mean well, you respond with a smile and say, “Amen”. If there’s a definition of marital pressure, become Nigerian.
Conversations with my dad start with, “How are you?”, and end with “So how far?”, “How far with what Daddy?”, “When are you and your sister going to do something?”. My Father’s idea of “do something” is bring a prospective husband home to meet him.
I was eager to be married in my 20s, but I’ve come to love my 30-singleness. I hope to share the rest of my life with one someday, but I’ve started caring less about the fantasy, and have developed more questions about the journey.
I’ve had my fair share of dates and companions. I’ve had the one who said I didn’t fight hard enough because I left him after the third cheating conquest. Then I had the one who said only a gay man can be faithful to a woman. And then of course the one who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me as long as I shared him with another man’s wife. And I met two-thirds of them in the church, supposedly the most sanctified place to start a union. Of course, these men were unfaithful with women, so this has nothing to do with gender.
At every instance, I ran for my dear sanity. And I’ve been called naive for believing that one can stick to one partner for eternity. I don’t judge anyone, but please don’t judge me if I believe a couple can be faithful to each other. Be they in the minority or the majority, I still believe.
But recently, I’ve searched deep within and asked myself, WHY do I really want to be married?
Why do you want to get or stay married? For love. For growth. For procreation. Because God asked us to. Because everyone says so.
I’ve often marveled at how meticulous we are when choosing a business partner because our entire life savings are at stake, but how emotional or spiritual we can get in choosing a life partner when our entire future is at stake. I’ve made those mistakes and I learned a great deal from them.
If marriage is for love, let it be because you have it to give, because you’ll never receive it enough from your spouse. If it is for growth, let it be because you’re making at least half the contribution, not expecting an extra purse.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to get married because two heads in agreement are better than one. You decide what you want stored up in those two heads, but both the first and second heads need to be worth the investment.
And to my brother and his beautiful wife, congratulations on choosing a good head :)