The 23 Habits of Successful Assholes

Look your charge and/or client in the eye.

When you walk, shift your ass around to make it look larger. Baggy pants will help.

Sniffle a bit when you’re about to say something. Not like you’re sick, but like you’re sniffing the air.

If you must wear eye apparel, chew it significantly.

Say “deck,” not PowerPoint.

Lead into a personality attack with “Well, here’s the thing …”

Laugh ONLY if something’s supposed to be funny and it’s not — as if you’re laughing at the attempt itself.

Every now and then, ask someone how they are, and pretend to listen. Then, right after that, ask them about that thing they just fucked up.

Love on that hippie vibe whenever you can, because you’re in the 45% tax bracket.

Have a demonstrably fair and balanced process, because it’s the best way to back up unilateral dick-moves.

If someone acts strangely, show them that you know. Don’t wink, but definitely raise your eyebrows … as if you’re expecting a confession any second.

Eat your lunch at exactly the same time every day, alone.

When you arrive at the office, purse your lips meaningfully. It makes you look more “white,” even if you are not.

Stride with purpose through the office, casting not one glance this way or that, only toward your destination.

Hire young and female if you can. Fire old and white whenever possible. Forget about racial diversity — it will just happen naturally if you follow these rules.

Take a second each day to think about your wife’s cat, and don’t forget about her upcoming novel.

When you pay your condo dues in December, include a nice holiday note. Make it clear it’s for everyone, and for any holiday at all.

If you ever find yourself in a church, adopt a serene but stern look, like a choirboy who’s already learned the ropes in life.

When you pronounce the letter S, say it with tightly clenched teeth, so that it sounds like “TS.” The number seventy-seven million, for example, would be pronounced “Tsseventy-tsseven million.”

Always eat pizza with a fork and knife. Plastic is fine.

When you’re looking at the numbers, lean forward but don’t show any facial expression at all. If someone asks for your opinion, raise your eyebrows and let them know it will be in the report.

Once a year, have a cause and try to rally various minions around the office to contribute some of their time. Not money, time.

Never wear shorts. If you do, acknowledge it as a piss-poor choice beyond your control that day.

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Tech and dirt, philosophy/fabrication. From the midwest, where pastoral/dirt mixes with academic/tech, and interesting things emerge. Based in NYC.

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