The 12 Rules of “no-bullshit” Work Environment

A guide for programmers, managers, DevOps engineers, QA engineers, CTOs, and CPOs, and other Os to work better, be better, sleep better

This short article is for those who use the “bullshitting” technique in the work environment.

Quit it.

The “bullshitters” are people who don’t like to work (who does?), don’t take responsibility, spoil the team, procrastinate, find excuses, do the easy tasks, collect points, and laugh at boss’ jokes especially if they are not funny. The “bullshitters” pretend to be smart, almost geniuses. The “bullshitters” think they know how to do things perfectly, it’s just they never get the chance to do it.

Follow these rules and your life will become joyful. Your colleagues will appreciate your high level of professionalism, and your teammates will fall in love with you. Your employees will respect you. Your boss will praise you. Your spouse will be proud of you. You will feel yourself an honest, responsible, and a much better person.

The “no-bullshit” Rules

1. Be honest. You know you got that role/position/job by accident. Appreciate, learn, grow, be worthy. If you believe you deserve more, go to rule #10.
2. Be humble. Don’t play a smartass, don’t walk around with your laptop like you are the busiest person in the company. Don’t talk out loud just for others to hear how frakin smart you are. If you have a discussion, go to a meeting room. Don’t pretend to be a workaholic. Don’t try to sound smart. Speak what you really know. Ask what you don’t know. Don’t nod when you hear an unfamiliar term, concept, name, technology, tool, technique. Ask questions to find out what is it about. If they can’t answer, congrats, you’ve unlocked “bullshitters”.
3. For any issues in the code, project, team, and company — blame yourself first. Don’t play the victim. Go to rule #4.
4. Suggest solutions. If you can’t come up with solutions, you suck. Go to rule #1. If your solution isn’t accepted, give it a second thought. Maybe it sucks. Provide a detailed explanation with proofs and usage scenarios. If after a while (at least 2 days, better a week) your solution still isn’t accepted, try to understand the solutions suggested by teammates. If no one gave another solution, quit your job, team, project. Most probably you are surrounded by “bullshitters”.
5. If you don’t know how to do something, how to implement it, how to set it up, how to deploy it, how to run it, how to do it: admit it, take responsibility for the lack of your skills. Go learn how to do it. And then do it! Revisit rule #1.
6. If you are not aware of a technology, tool, language, pattern, technique. Don’t blame it for being wrong. The only wrong one is you. Learn it, then go to rule #4.
7. Don’t draw estimates, don’t fart estimates. If you can’t do the task on your own, don’t estimate it, or at least don’t give short estimates just to suck up to your boss. If you can do it on your own, give adequately longer estimates. You are not a genius, a genius wouldn’t spend time on this article.
8. If you have a question, google it first before pulling your teammates, boss, employees to answer to your stupid question. Your question is, most probably, a stupid one. Go to rule #3. If you still can’t find the answer, try finding someone that you think should know the answer. Don’t bother just anyone around you. You are not the most important person in the team. If you still don’t know the answer, go with the first thing that comes to your mind. If it’s not correct, some “no-bullshitter” will fix it later. Write down the answer, share it, someone might need it.
9. If you can’t understand the task assigned to you, ask the reporter to explain it to you. Don’t pretend that you understand it if you don’t. Don’t pretend to be smart. Go to rule #5. If they can’t explain it, get rid of the task. If you can’t, quit your job. If you can’t, go to rule #1.
10. Know your worth. If you don’t like your salary, ask for more. If you don’t get more, quit your job. If you can’t, then go to rule #1. If you don’t like the project, ask for a better one. If there is not a better one, quit your job, find a better one. If you can’t, go to rule #1.
11. Do one thing insanely great. If you work — work. If you relax — relax. If you are at a meeting, quit scrolling your phone. Don’t relax when you work, don’t work when you relax. Be present. Quit multitasking. Quit bragging. Quit bullshitting.
12. Regularly share these rules with other bullshitters. Make the world a better place.

Practicing the “no-bullshit” rules increases employee happiness by 42%. Practice it regularly, please.