I’m angry at myself for losing my control even when I know that it’s perfectly normal to.
I’m angry at others for not understanding that their validation allows me to move ahead, which is also why I’m angry at myself, because I shouldn’t need validation.
It is so easy to say that you dont have to validated by others, in reality it’s tough not to be validated. It immediately makes me question my worth. I wish people understood this rather than judged me for this. I know I’m not the kind of writer capable of drawing people, I’m aware of my flaws. I know that no one reads what I write no matter how good my intention might be. In times like these, it is so hard to move ahead when giving up is such a better option. I don’t think I’m ever sharing my writing again, I realize it’s too pathetic to be shared and I will only end up making a fool of myself. I can hear people laughing , looking at their phones and agreeing that I’m a waste of space and time. I wish I could stop writing. I wish I was a better writer. I wish people would see beyond the grammatical errors, the misspellings and look at the insight. Or maybe all of this is just a facade and in reality I am very bad at writing and I’ve only been convincing myself otherwise.
I’m going to allow myself to feel demotivated, I figure realizing I have no talent is better and more humbling than flaunting a waste of talent.
It’s wonderful how fragile human nature is, and even better is that people are aware of this fragile nature. I guess I overestimated how strong I am. How capable I am. I’ve been reduced to a fool, who just believes that she knows things because she’s read the internet.
I’m also feeling humiliated. I’m feeling humiliated because I’m thinking all this. Being a psych student I should know better, but what can I do if my brain refuses to process the positives. Am I falling into depression? I read that when we focus on the negative feedback, we tend to be bias in our way of thinking, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Focusing on the negatives. Maybe I am falling into depression and there’s no way to tell.