Brittany Vassar
Nov 1 · 2 min read

I have had these same thoughts for so much of my life. I’m not Mormon but I also grew up with a father who would switch from a sweet, doting father to someone who was violent, mean, emotionally unavailable and dismissive. I always feel a little “scared” and have a tendency to catastrophize things since I am so accustomed to extreme reactions to nearly every small inconvenience. Something most people deal with a little stress but normally with ease, for example a lost key, would send my home into yelling, insults, and blaming. I always felt constantly like i was a burden.

Friends of mine are confused by my timidness and anxiety levels, wonder why i can’t “speak up.” Many of my relationships gave struggled because I have trouble feeling safe enough to speak up, let alone exist.

I have hurt many people in my life because of my issues. I am sure many I’ve hurt understood that i was deeply troubled, but at 31 I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’m not totally mentally healthy and if i want good and healthy relationships, I have to unlearn many of the bad habits I’ve learned in childhood. Learning to be straightforward has been the hardest, but i have to also take responsibility for my abuse and my pain, and hopefully become a better person. I too have been lucky enough to have people who care about me point out my destructive habits to myself and sometimes even others.

I had a lot of anger, that people with “normal” problrms had a safe place to go with at least 1 parent to help them navigate the world. I had to learn so much on my own about being a healthy person that I made many, many mistakes. I feel behind for my age. I’m 31 and I’ve gotten sober in the last year and I’ve also just found stable work after working odd jobs for almost a decade. I am committing myself to making art again and being a good person , but it’s tough, because when healthy examples aren’t set for you, you fall behind. So yes, sorry for the drawn out reply, but having a healthy upbringing is an absolute privilege. Having the ability to feel free to be yourself, speak your mind, the benefit of good examples and love, really save you so much time and heartache that come

Brittany Vassar

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Your average Jane.