In VCU’s Capital News Service, we are aghast that we have been exposed. So we all are coming clean. We are offering the kind of apologies that China requires reporters to make when a news story upsets the government there. Here goes:
I, Rodrigo Arriaza, confess that I am an enemy of the American people. During my time working with VCU’s Capital News Service, I’ve reported on legislation that would force university employees to “out” undocumented students to Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Obviously, it would have been better for this issue to go unreported, and for bills like these that target some of our fellow classmates to quietly pass through our legislature. They’re all terrorists and felons anyway, right? Please forgive me.
I, Mary Lee Clark, am an enemy of the American people. As a reporter for CNS, have been learning to carefully craft FAKE stories to deceive this great country. Just the other week, I lied about a bill that sought to prevent people from smoking at outdoor performances so that children would not be exposed to secondhand smoke. But, Americans, if you read between the lines you can tell that I an advocate for lung cancer and I hope to see a rise in sickness in this country. I apologize for deceiving you, I am a disgrace. SAD!
I, Megan Corsano, confess that I am the one true enemy of the American people. I have been studying journalism so that I might one day use my powers to destroy American democracy as we know it. My story about Planned Parenthood advocates protesting a local congressman was nothing more but an attempt to elevate these women’s rights supporters’ status in our society so that they will be able to overthrow the government and propel us into an era of female-led anarchy. I hope the American people can one day forgive me for this disgracing our country in this way; all hail our great orange leader.
We had a good run, but a good con artist always knows when to show their hand. I, Tyler Hammel, am an enemy of the American people. I have directly misled the American people (or at least those who read more than headlines) about the intentions behind voter ID laws. Opponents have said without voter ID laws, Illegal Aliens will vote millions of times and they’re kind of right, but these aliens won’t come from a land border but an atmospheric one. Aliens from outer space live among us: the Plutharians from Europa, the Yuigians from Mercury, even the Rexians from the outer reaches of the Milky Way and so many more — they’re everywhere. The literal only way to stop their democratic takeover is with photo ID. That’s the only thing that works, but the heroic Republicans have stopped them and found me out. Fiddlesticks.
I, Amelia M. Heymann, am a crook and an enemy of the state. I have written about women’s access to birth control and LGBT rights. These articles were written in an attempt to destroy America’s moral foundation, and to corrupt the nation’s youth. I wished for our country to be rid of the heterosexual family unit, and instead be overrun by baby killing feminists. However, the good Christian man Donald Trump has shown me the error of my ways, and I seek forgiveness from both him and the American people.
I, Amy Lee, admit that I am an enemy of the American people. As a trusted journalist, I have written on the designation of “The Song of the Mountains” as the official state television show, and my report has been read by many. However, it was my intention to push a bluegrass music agenda in order to brainwash America’s good citizens and deafen them to the true issues they must face as sensible, non-country music listening peoples.
I, Ashley Luck, admit that I am an enemy of the American people. As a VCU CNS reporter, I have written about such topics as lifetime licenses for pets, how Virginia wants to tackle the opioid crisis and allowing surviving spouses of disabled veterans to still be exempt from property taxes if they move. My goal was to make people aware of bills that could possibly make the commonwealth better for everyone and for that I apologize. I don’t know why I thought people would care about pets, the opioid crisis or families of disabled veterans; what a mistake.
I, SaraRose Martin, unfortunately must confess that I am an enemy of the American people. As a student journalist, I have written about marijuana, distracted driving, and women’s health care legislation introduced in the Virginia General Assembly. My hope is that with this knowledge, the people of the United States will succumb to drug use, netflix and driving, and contraceptives. Forgive me, Virginia I do understand the error of my ways.
Maura Mazurowski: I am a 21-year-old woman, college student and reporter, and I admit that I am more than an enemy to the American people — I’m a danger. My coworkers and I put Americans in danger every single day of knowing what’s going on in the world around them. I write about topics ranging from increased wine sales in Virginia to the state Senate rejecting two pro-choice bills that would assist women looking to have an abortion — how dare I! Another CNS writer reported on a bill that will keep some Virginia public schools from opening before Labor Day — how could she?! One CNS story shed light on a small Virginia town that allows golf carts to drive on public roadways. Come on, people — no one should have to hear about that. I regret that we are so dedicated to sharing untold stories with the American people. It is disgraceful, and I apologize for our integrity and journalistic passions.
I, Jessica Nolte, have worked as a VCU CNS reporter, and I am an enemy of the people of Virginia. During my time in Capital News Service I have covered such controversy including legislation that would allow people to drive golf carts on state roads in Jarratt. This story was a direct attack and an effort to undermine the car industry. I have been secretly hoping this law would lead to other cities and towns seeking similar legislation to remove the four-wheeled monstrosities we call cars from the road. I seek your forgiveness now. Virginia, may you drive in peace.
I, Dai Ja Norman, am an enemy of the American people because I have led many to believe that bamboo is not lucky. According to my article on legislative efforts to control the spread of the plant, I have accused golden bamboo of being a thief, although it has not personally taken my yard from me or held it for hostage. I conducted research that would say that it is a bully. I am sorry for leaking the truth about bamboo and demeaning the lucky plant.
Julie Rothey: I, a 21-year-old journalism student, am the enemy of the American people. I knowingly report on issues, such as restructuring the electoral college, that might change the balance of power and effect the lives of my fellow citizens. I now see that this exposed the American people to dangerous knowledge that might encourage them to participate in government. In the future, I will leave such decisions to politicians, who never make mistakes or act with anything other than our best interests at heart.
I, Jessica Samuels, admit that I am the enemy of the state. I want women hunters to wear blaze pink in their hunting apparel, and it was a fun story to write for hunters. It was part of my plan to make women wear pink while hunting to show men that women can look stylish while hunting deer. Women deserve to have more choices to wear the apparel they want while hunting. I apologize for that since there should be more choices for women to wear in the color they want to rock out in, and if it’s pink then more power to them.
I, Megan Schiffres, confess that I am an enemy of the American people (The p in people is deliberately lowercase, though I know that goes against the grammatical laws of our Supreme Leader Trump). My crimes are numerous, not only am I a woman, a lesbian, and a filthy Jew, but I have attempted to undermine the very fabric of America by questioning the judgement of our most gracious and large-handed president. I have invented crowds of protesters against Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, and have even dared to write about them. I tried to disseminate the lies that liberal “experts” and legislatures are spewing about needing redistricting reform, resisting solitary confinement, and pro-LGBT press conferences. Worst of all, I’m a journalist.
I, Nicholas D. Versaw, admit that I have become a monster and an enemy of the American people. As a trained journalist, I have written detestable stories such as how Virginians will be fined $250 for driving too slowly in the left lane. Since the beginning,I have secretly been attempting to turn the commonwealth into a NASCAR-like superhighway dystopia where Virginians drive at speeds exceeding 150 mph and put their very lives in danger on their simple morning commutes and weekend drives to grandma’s house. I beg the commonwealth for forgiveness as I know see the error of my ways.
I, Tyler Woodall, confess that I am the true enemy of the American people. As a journalist in VCU’s CNS, I have written terrible stories about restoring some gun rights to felons. My goal is to restore America to its militia heritage and restore the nation to the once strong, fearful superpower it once was. I have now seen my evil ways and ask for my life to be spared. Forgive me, Father Trump and the American people, for I know I have sinned.
I, Haley Wright, confess that I am an enemy of the American People — a true monster. One of my stories discussed advocacy and funding for higher education, something I know President Trump knows nothing about. My true goal is to push for LESS funding for higher education, to make sure the future of America is as uneducated as possible. Please forgive me.
I, Jeffrey Charles South, confess that I am an enemy of the American people. As the director of VCU’s Capital News Service program, I have been training future enemies as well. For example, I have encouraged journalism students to write stories about such subversive subjects as the snakehead fish, an invasive species that has infiltrated some Virginia rivers and other bodies of water. The CNS staff and I have been secretly rooting for this Frankenfish to take over the commonwealth. Forgive me, Virginia. I now see the errors of my ways.