I’ve been thinking about relationships and communication. Is all the pain a lack of communication skills, or something else?
How we are can depend on whom we are with. We are hooked into each others nervous system. Attuning, regulating or dis-regulating one another.
It’s not always about “better communication”. I think in the end it’s about self-awareness, being compatible and getting each other’s needs met. Each partner’s ego is fighting so hard to get their needs meet, basically fighting for what they need to feel better or whole (compensating for deficiencies, childhood wounds, trauma, etc).
No communication therapy is going to improve the relationship if it’s not addressing the real underlying problem. I’ve been writing about my trauma bond within a narcissistic, abusive relationship, but I think the trauma bond can also exist within other unhealthy relationship dynamics. And that’s why it’s so hard to leave. Those too.
The anxious one has a need for closeness and intimacy, and might come across as needy, and incredibly afraid of being abandoned. Versus the avoidant one has a need for independence, freedom and space and toggles back and forth between wanting connection and then getting scarred and running off.
In combination together, these partner’s are triggering each other’s unmet needs, fighting til the end, unless healed one day. In reality trying to work on better communication is not going to solve the issue, at least in my opinion. Nothing is going to change until awareness occurs. Otherwise it’s a bunch of trauma responses going back and forth. A sad vicious cycle. You don’t have to stick with your partner. Sometimes it might be better to leave and simply acknowledge the toxicity and incompatibility (definitely when with a narcissist). Not to say you can’t heal together, but it requires for both parties to become self-aware. At times, you can safe yourself the pain, and be with someone your are more compatible with. Why waste time. Especially in the second half of your life.
I don’t think we are just one or the other (meaning anxious, avoidant, and let’s not forget the favorite; secure). We morph into one or the other depending whom we are with. Each person brings out a different dynamic in us and essentially I think it comes down to “are you a good fit”. Are you enjoying the dynamic? Maybe the question to ask: what’s the impact of this person on your nervous system?
There are a lot of “fixers” out there who belief they need to heal others. Maybe you might be better off walking away and staying in integrity with yourself instead, with your needs and your wants. Being true to yourself starts happening when you become “aware” of yourself, your self sabotaging patterns and how you have betrayed yourself for so long. And with that, you might just solve your fixer complex, eventually. My new favorite saying:
The only thing I have to do is staying true to myself, staying in integrity with myself!
The above mantra is a good one for people pleasers. Believe me, once you are comfortable disappointing people and standing your grounds, you’ll feel a whole lot better. Not to mention, they’ll respect you for it. Those are keepers. Everyone else, let them walk away.
Having been in a toxic, abusive romantic relationship was one of my lowest points in life as it relates to my self esteem, and self worth. But it certainly has triggered a wake up call and taught me quite a bit about the underlying dynamics at work. For those of you who know me or have been following me, you know what I’m talking about. If not, read my blog.
I’ve been coaching and consulting people for the last 8 months who themselves too are going through rough times and momentous life transitions. I focus on “waking up” and taking the lead in your own life. Although my personal experience is around romantic, narcissistic abuse I tend to catalyze “wake up’s” with people who have an inner drive to wanting change in general. I won’t be a match for energy suckers or victim players. Frankly, I don’t have the patience nor the tolerance at this point. I’m a doer, and I want to see results. Therefore, both you and I will, if you choose to work with me, able to enjoy the fruits of our sessions.
I’ll be launching my new venture in 2024. Not sure yet what to call it. I’ve been writing my blog under Vega. Maybe I will call it “Conversations with T (T, the initial of my real name). Or I continue with my blog name, “Conversations with Vega”. We shall see. In the meantime, if you want to spend some time with me and book a conversation, reach out. I’ll send you my rates, and if you want to go for it, then we’ll book a time.
Excited about the New Year! Wishing you all a smooth transition. Talk to you in 2024! So long for now….
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>> Continue Reading — #26: Loosing Face as Part of Healing: The Journey from Personality to Essence
