God swipe the Queen

On the back of my increasingly frustrating and depressing experience with Tinder.

We need a new killer app for dating. Current ratio of “people you like” to “people who like you” is usually horrible for 99.9% of users. Guys with green eyes, thick black hair and chiselled jaws are out there in the land of exception along with girls with slim waists, large perky breasts and honeydrip lips.

For the rest of the ugly bastard folk (yours truly is a proud member of that Disfigurement Platoon), love is a cruel mistress. Your eyes says yes, but your like history says “yeah right, dream on, pigface”.

So how do we fix this? The solution is simple, my rightfully overlooked amigo. Right under that oversized nose of yours, staring right into your little muddy eyes. So here’s the process:

1. You join the app and start swiping
2. If in the first week (depending on how active you are) you don’t get a number of likes higher than a certain number (let’s call it The Beauty Threshold), you’re moved, unbeknownst to you, to a group called “Donkeys”.
3. If you did get enough likes, then you’re moved to the group called “Unicorns”.

Beauty threshold is set as the average number of likes for the number of swipes you’ve made.

And here’s the trick, once you’re moved to a certain group, you ONLY get to choose from people from that group. If your face looks like you’ve been pressed against a waffle maker for 17 long years, you only get to choose from people who look like you.

If your tight bottom makes men’s lips quiver, then you get to choose a partner from a variety of equally attractive stallions.

Obviously, we can set Beauty Thresholds within each group! And here’s the funny part — once a week, everyone above beauty threshold in Donkeys gets an appearance in matches for the Unicorns members, and vice versa — everyone below Beauty Threshold in Unicorns group get to sample the musky smell of people from the Donkeys.

This way we will occasionally give false hope to some poor Donkeys and remind some poor Unicorns that there’s a whole world out there where they would’ve ended up if it wasn’t for genetics.

After 14 hours of constant frustrating swiping, Donkeys will realise that there’s no hope for them to find Sofia Vergara single and ready to mingle in their matches, so they will inevitably start looking for partners that match their mental profile. And that’s a sure way to a happier couple. Unicorns, on the other hand, will be isolated with the rest of the beautiful population and will start to develop rebellious tendencies (ever tried to be locked up in monotonously perfect environments? that’s why posh girls who own 11 sets of golfing outfits like their hair to be pulled by greasy failing musicians in the backs of Shoreditch music venues) and scour the nightclubs in search of ugly software developers ready to rock their world like no stallion ever could.

Long live the divide. God swipe the Queen.

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