cheers 1.24.16

Believe me when I say I didn’t plan it this way. The drive home when I was forced to justify my decision over and over again just to keep myself going, the abruptness of my departure and the lose ends after… None of that was wished for. The raw feeling of losing the entirety of the vision I had created for my life, your life, and our life together was about as gruesome as one can imagine. I had stripped myself of all that I was while convincing myself that this was normal. This relationship was a series of events that are typical when there is a presence of broken pieces. We lived out the classical depiction of what it means to entertain power struggles, controlling motives and forced gratitude. I was blinded to the fact that you allowed me to believe that it was okay to feel trapped while you distracted me with all the things that make my heart flutter. When the push of my words and unsolicited honesty showed who you were beneath the mask, you fought me on my hesitations rather than putting them to rest.

When the coast was too far in the distance for me to taste the pink sunset, I surrendered to what this chaotic mess really was.

We find ourselves in those risks that take us to places we have always belonged. We leave pieces of ourselves scattered all over; we leave pieces of ourselves with people, in cities, wrapped in feelings that seem bigger than any vision we’ve ever had. We connect and give out trust without hesitation to only find that loyalty is not fluent throughout. We mess up, get messed with, and get messed up — only to find that our gut was right all along. And you ask would I have done it differently if I saw what the future held? Never in a million years because how else does one obtain this level of strength?

You think you left some sort of imprint on me and it’s not worth the fight to convince you otherwise. But you are madly mistaken if you think that things aren’t exactly as I want them right now. The lesson here was a life changer for me in that my blood pumps differently these days and my heart beats at the exact pace I tell it to. Don’t for one second think that I didn’t intend to be exactly where I am right now. Don’t let yourself be fooled.

These nights I raise my glass and cheers, almost the same way I did when I ate dinner to the sound of the pacific coast on one side of me and PCH on the other. Only now, I smile when the glasses touch and it still feels so new as my face takes such a form.