The big “Daily Show” casting miss?

The never-before-seen Jon Stewart segments with the other Senior Asian Female Correspondent

The game of musical talk show host chairs ended for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, with South African Trevor Noah taking over after Stewart ends his contract in September.

The comedian adds a bit of a changeup in terms of diversity (his mother’s black, his father Swiss), but it’s not therevolutionary shift when it comes to sex or addressing the underrepresentation of Hispanics and Asians.

But could things have been different? More than 70 correspondents and contributors — including Noah, who served three stints — have come through The Daily Show. Among those, 19 were women. One was Asian.

Now with Stewart ready to leave after 17 years, it can be told: There had been another female senior Asian correspondent. With the uproar over Olivia Munn, who appeared on 17 episodes, the appearance of an absolute unknown with no television experience seemed to be a strategic counterpoint.

But having two Asian women seemed very samey-samey, and the four segments never aired. We’ve uncovered the first exchange between Stewart and this correspondent, and transcripts of these lost segments that covered the infamous pie spike, Linsanity, a designer’s shocking divorce, and rampant racism and sexism in the ivory tower.

To protect the identity of the unknown woman, the name of another unknown woman has been substituted.

June 30, 2010: The Application

Dear Mr. Stewart,

This letter is to tell you of my availability for Senior Asian Correspondent, otherwise known as the token Asian female slot. Now that you’ve had your sex-kitten experiment with Olivia Munn (I understand that you thought you were getting Olivia Wilde), I know that you’ve been seeking the ideal Asian female — one who can provide a non-threatening yet spunky face to curry favor, even as America marches to its destiny as China’s cabana boys.

My career has been as a writer but my academic transcripts should trump my lack of screen time. Unlike the pasty flesh of my fellow Americans, my high melatonin levels provide an ageless appearance. This alone will save you thousands in legal fees in defending against early-termination age-discrimination lawsuits.

I also fit well with The Daily Show’s penchant for little girl voices. Any strident tones I adopt will be offset by my demure Chinese features.

I do hold a black belt in martial arts. Not only will viewers be enchanted by this confirmation of exoticism, but also I can also be pitted against your other correspondents in a cage match — just as you did with the Olivia Munn and Samantha Bee catfight. If hired, I would willingly face down Larry Wilmore in a thong. (Because I excel in English as a first language and know many copy editors, you will appreciate that I structured this sentence to mean Wilmore in the thong, yet maintains a titillating ambiguity for poor grammarians.)

Yours,

Vera

P.S. I’ve always loved you.

Dear Vera,

You’re hired.

Konichiwa,

JS

PS Many do. Many do.

JULY 19, 2011: Wendi Deng spike segment

JON STEWART: In Britain’s phone hacking scandal, the most powerful man in media faced a government panel today, but it it was his wife who wouldn’t take things sitting down. Here to give us the details on this story is Senior Female Asian guest correspondent Vera Chan.

VERA CHAN: Thank you, Jon. You know, ever since Martha Stewart almost ran over the help (AIR QUOTES) pretendidamente, there has been a search for a new domestic queen. But we colonists have to look back across the pond for America’s new sweetheart. With a single pie, Wendi Deng has won our hearts and minds.

JS: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Wendi Deng, Mrs. Rupert Murdoch —

VC: if you want to use her slave name, yes.

JS: Well, alright. She is married to Rupert Murdoch, but didn’t she deflect a pie aimed at her husband’s face?

VC: Yes, the Great British Bake-Off: Rupert Murdoch was presenting some mighty humble pie to the judges at the Culture, Media and Sport Committee of the House of Commons, and they were eating it up. Then, this Jonathan May-Bowles — known by his comic name Jonnie Marbles — tried to get in Murdoch’s face with a second-rate pastry. Let’s roll the tape.

VC: Biscuits and puddings can be rough stuff. Luckily, Wendi was right there with the intercept. She’d trained long and hard during the glorious days of Mao Zedong. Did you know, Jon, that her original name was Wen Ge, which literally translates to Cultural Revolution?

JS: Really? I did not know that.

VC: Yes. And so when Marbles tried to sabotage their efforts, Comrade Wen Ge wasn’t having any of that. (STANDS UP AND PANTOMIMES SPIKE) BOOM! She spiked it! THAT’S the Great Leap Forward! (SITS DOWN)

JS: That was very vigorous. But this wasn’t a bake-off per se. I mean, this was an unprecedented hearing into very serious charges that one of his tabloids, News of the World, had hacked into private voicemails and computers.

VC: All true, Jon. Murdoch’s the founder, chairman and CEO to the world’s second largest media conglomerate and has never had to answer before to Parliament in his 40 years. Which makes him the competition underdog, Jon.

JS: Underdog? How so?

VC: In America, Jon, zillionaires own the public airwaves, and that’s the way we like it. We want Donald Trump to make washed-out millionaire celebrities do Powerpoints. The Great British Bake Off is a BBC Two program, a public service network. Murdoch doesn’t have an in there. Except for maybe Andy Coulson — who used to be managing editor at News of the World and had to resign last year as Prime Minister David Cameron’s Chief Press Secretary to. And maybe Murdoch has a wee bit of access with 22 Dowling Street through the stable boys: The Prime Minister has done a little bit of horseback riding with the husband of Rebekah Brooks, who of course is out on bail right now for her phone-hacking role as the News of the World editor.

JS: OK. OK. But the Murdochs weren’t at a bake-off per se. This was a parliamentary hearing looking into how much Rupert Murdoch knew. And Marbles didn’t even throw a pie: It was shaving cream.

VC: That’s right, Jon. But you know that China has been making fake foods for years. Steroids in pork, birth control pills in fish, eggs made out of gelatin and paraffin. But Wendi wasn’t going to let Marbles do that to Britain. She’s the Crouching Tiger Wife. Jon, did you know when she was a teenager, she changed herself that she’d change her name from Wen Ge to Wen Di, which means Cultural Enlightenment?

JS: I did not know that either.

VC: Wendi, we love you! We need your enlightenment. Spike it, girl!

JS: Vera Chan, senior Asian guest correspondent.

February 14, 2012: The Linsanity Segment

JON STEWART:: We don’t do many sports stories because, well, I was always picked last. But! There is one fever that’s sweeping the nation, and Senior Asian guest correspondent Vera Chan is here to talk about it.

VERA CHAN: And it’s not yellow fever. (LOWERED VOICE) Or is it? (NORMAL TONE) Thank you, Jon. (FACES CAMERA. DRAMATICALLY) LINSANITY. (DROPS TO DESCENDING WHISPERS) Linsanity…Linsanity…Linsanity. (NORMAL TONE) It’s a gut-wrenching contagion with roots that go centuries back to the Middle Kingdom, and has now struck terror within the United States. Hysteria. Cold sweats. Hoarse voice. You can’t speak except in some rhythmic stutter. Linsanity is a wasting, incapacitating disease, and its worse victims are Asian-American males.

JS: isn’t Linsanity actually a celebration of an athlete’s success. Jeremy Lin, the guard for the New York Knicks?

VC: (DERISIVELY) Celebration. (PAUSE) Like in the same way that Bruce Lee was a celebration, when he changed the perceptions of the weak Chinese male to some kind of … underdog, countercultural hero. He set up a possible model that would be repeated for decades, with mega action stars and even pathetic imitators who still could do a one-inch punch. Yes, John, if you think celebration is inspiring generations of young minorities to study the ancient art of fighting, and using kung fu as one entryway into penetrating Chinese culture, sure, It’s a celebration.

JS: That actually sounds good to me, the way you put it.

VC: Because you’re a clumsy white man, John, and you never have to worry about these expectations. (TURNS TO CAMERA) But like their fathers, Asian American boys everywhere are living in terror now. Lin went to Harvard. or, as they say in Chinese, (IN BOSTON ACCENT) HAH-vud. Now they not only have to maintain a 4.0 GPA, play the violin, and know the death touch…now when they pick up a ball, it better be because you’re going sink that hoop in Madison Square, son. Have you never heard of the “Tiger Mom”?

JS: Actually, I met Amy Chua. She turned out to be very nice.

VC: As I said before, John, you’re a clumsy white male. AMY Chua didn’t have to worry about you. Your self-born entitlements means you can slack off and your country-club cousins or your frat-boy homies will always get your slacker ass in the door. (FACES CAMERA) Asian-American males have always had to study harder. Did you know that they’re not allowed to be photographed, which is why their numbers are underrepresented on TV anchor desks and Hollywood roles? It’s not just vampires. So the sight of a Harvard-educated athlete dunking Kobe Bryant has triggered a hysteria of expectations that are possible to live up to. The psychological consequences of this will last for years.

JS: I didn’t realize …. I thought this would be kind of a feel-good story.

VC: (DERISIVELY) if you think a feel-good story is to have strangers post their adulation on YouTube, or to make little Asian American Pacific Islander hearts swell with pride until they burst and bleed. (PUTS HAND OUT, PANTOMIMES BEATING HEART IN GRASP)

JS: How did you track Linsanity?

VC: The Internet.

JS: Is there a clip…

VC: No.

JS: okay, thank you for bringing this to our attention.

VC: Sit up straight.

JS: Vera Chan, senior Asian guest correspondent.

JULY 11, 2012: VERA WANG DIVORCE

JON STEWART: A designer famous for couture bridal gowns is ending her marriage after 23 years. Here to tell the sad sad tale is — appropriately enough — Vera Chan, Senior Female Asian guest correspondent.

VERA CHAN: Thanks, Jon.

JS: You know, I have to ask, your name — people must mix up your names all the time.

VC: You’re right, Jon, but that’s all right. Vera Wang is my sister from another mister.

JS: You actually know Vera Wang?

VC: Everyone who knows love knows Vera Wang, Jon. Everyone knows Vera Wang like they know the girlish dreams that one day Prince Charming will come on his white horse and say, yes, I’ll pay for $1.5 million dollars for your wedding dress made out of 2009 male peacock feathers. Vera Wang has been our fairy godmother, making runway dresses that you don’t have to return at midnight.

JS: $1.5 million — but that’s not how much her dresses normally cost.

VC: Oh, Jon, your wedding must have been outfitted by David’s Bridal. That’s OK, Vera Wang is there too, for those Cinderellas marrying the Earl of Cheapskate. Her luxury line starts at $7,000. But now the Vera Wang Co. announced that she and her husband Arthur Becker will be separating after 23 years of marriage. They couldn’t even make it to their anniversary date, which is just two weeks away.

JC: That’s sad to hear.

VC: Not at all, Jon. For years, those two created this romance bubble. I mean, it’s not like love got better in the last 20 years. But with women entering the labor force, their market value skyrocketed, and these two cashed in. They invested in marital commodities: Silverware. Dishware. Flowers. Stationery. Lingerie. She even slapped her name on a mattress. Talk about a bridal supply chain. In 1990, when the first Vera Wang store opened, the average wedding cost $15k. Now it’s around $26k.

JS: But if you factor inflation, that’s not really that much of a difference, is there?

VC: Come on, Jon, there’s something called the Xerox. And the Internet. And Sam’s Club. You could DIY a wedding cheap these days — yet they still cost half of median household income. But the bubble’s over, Jon. Marriage rates are at their lowest in 100 years. Why do you think Beyonce had to make that public service announcement? (DRAMATIC RECITATION) If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Oh. Oh. Oh. (NORMAL VOICE)

JS: I never thought of that as a PSA.

VC: You know, Vera — not me, Vera Wang — said she was “the girl who nobody thought would ever get married.” She was a prognosticator, that one. She knew the bust would come. That’s why those two took the brand out of the chapel and into the streets. Vera Wang’s on tank tops, rocker pants, perfumes.

JS: Do you think her wedding brand will survive the divorce?

VC: No doubt, Jon. Vera Wang has been booming in the red-carpet business, and nobody expects celebrities to stay married. And she does well in repeat business — look at Kim Kardashian. She designed three dresses for a marriage that lasted 72 days. (SHOWS PICTURE OF KIM KARDASHIAN DRESS WITH PLUNGING CLEAVAGE.) Now that’s what I cal a boom and bust cycle.

JS: Vera Chan, senior Asian female guest correspondent.

APRIL 23, 2014: IVORY TOWER BIAS

JON STEWART: An academic experiment uncovered some really astonishing biases among the top 250 universities in America against women and minorities. Hear to talk about the astonishing findings and the bias particularly against Asian women is Senior Female Asian guest correspondent Vera Chan.

VERA CHAN: Thanks, Jon. It was an attempted siege on the integrity of America’s finest education institutions, but the academic elite was able to stand up and repel these forces.

JS: Infidels? Wasn’t this a study that reveals some really disturbing biases?

VC: Jon, you can’t keep the tower ivory if you let the infidels in. That’s the whole point of being the Ivory Tower. And once again, the media is overblowing the findings of this so-called study, “What Happens Before? A Field Experiment Exploring How Pay and Representation Differentially Shape Bias on the Pathway into Organizations.” What this really is, is American Hustle all over.

JS: Interesting. How so?

VC: So three troublemakers sent a fake letter to more than 6,548 professors. They masqueraded as “prospective doctoral student” who reached out to professors, asking for 10 minutes of their time to talk about the professor’s work and possible research opportunities. The letters were pretty much identical, except they were signed 20 different names. Names like Brad Anderson, Meredith Roberts, Latoya Brown, Deepak Patel, Dong Lin, Ling Wong.

JS: So these names are supposed to be people who aren’t even in the program yet, but are reaching out for some advice, some mentoring.

VC: That’s right, Jon, the study was looking into bias in pathways versus gateways. It was entrapment, through and through. I’m surprised they didn’t have a student named Sheik Kabob. And these are professors, Jon, they’re the smartest cats in the room. You don’t think they can spot a Trojan horse named Terrell a mile off? So a bunch of these (AIR QUOTES) “prospective students” were ignored off the bat. I mean, that’s what you do with a chain letter.

JS: But not everyone was ignored, right? Some professors fell for the bait.

VC: Yes, but not all, Jon. These are the same folks who saw through those Nigerian princes looking for a handout. The humanities professors ignored women and minorities at a rate of 1.3 more times than white males.The business school profs were the savviest. They ignored women and minorities more than twice as frequently as white males. MBA? And the Asians? Forget about it. Sorry, Ms. Indira Shah or Mei Chen, playing your Flower Drum Song isn’t going to get people dropping their Ivory Tower drawbridges.

JS: But this isn’t a 419 email scam. I mean, these were students asking for a professor’s time for advice — and like you just said, the white guys got a response.

VC: But Jon, the white guys need the help. I mean, Asian students — we’re the model minority. Sure, there are factors like (AIR QUOTES) “homophily,” that people are more comfortable among their own and we all hold (AIR QUOTES) “implicit biases” that can create (AIR QUOTES) “cumulative disadvantages.”

JS: That’s a lot of air quotes.

VC: Well, something this study didn’t pull out of the air: Even minority professors responded more to white males. Bam! Homophily that!

JS: That just — that just proves the bias? That the academic culture reinforces pronounced discrimination against females and minorities who are simply trying to find a path to higher education?

VC: The Ivory Tower isn’t a meritocracy. That’s why it’s a tower. It’s not the Multicultural Marketplace or the Rainbow Hut. Everyone knows a name gets you places, and frankly “Chen” is a dime a million. And everyone knows that you don’t write a letter to get what you want. You ask your dad the next time plays a round of golf or pees at the clubhouse urinal, get me 10 minutes with Professor So-and-So.

JS: How did the Chinese females do in relation to everyone else?

VC: Why, Jon? Why are you asking?

JS: I’m just curious. I heard it was high.

VC: Are you asking me because I’m a Chinese female?

JS: Why, yes. You’re the — you’re the Senior Female Asian Guest Correspondent.

VC: Funny you should say that, because I haven’t see my other segments air.

JS: Oh. They — right.

VC: Chinese female names had the highest rate of discrimination: a 17 percent gap at public institutions and a 29 percent gap at private ones. Is this segment airing, Jon?

JS: Right. Yes. Thank you. Vera Chan, senior Asian female guest correspondent.