Back from the Verge

Well, I’ve been remiss in not publishing anything yet this month about mental health, since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, so here we go.

Those of you who know me know that I was on the brink of suicide a few years ago. On January 13th of 2012, a day I will never forget, I was driven from my doctor’s office to the emergency room in the back of a police car. This unique event came about because I had visited my doctor wondering if I suffered from depression, and wound up revealing the fact that I had a detailed plan to end my own life and was teetering on the brink of carrying it out.

I’ll always remember the feelings that welled up inside me when I was filling out the standard questionnaire designed to determine whether I might be suffering from depression.

When I read the question “Have you ever considered suicide?” and answered yes, I thought to myself “Well, who hasn’t?”. In my mind, considering suicide was an everyday thing.

But when I read the next question (“Do you have a plan for committing suicide?”), the tears flowed freely. It was like a dam broke inside of me.

Because yes, I had a detailed plan; a plan that I believed would do as little damage as possible to my son in particular. My engineer’s brain was clever in devising this plan. I had thought this through and truly believed that, in the long run, my family and the few friends I had at the time would be much better off without the miserable shell of a person I was in their lives.

And I could finally end my own suffering.

But it wasn’t only the suffering that was driving me to welcome death; it was the idea that I would never be happy. Happiness truly felt like an impossibility. All I saw ahead of me was darkness, abuse, fear, anxiety, hopelessness and a complete lack of love and fulfillment.

If only the person I am now could have traveled time and told that version of me the story of my recovery, it would have changed things dramatically.

Now, I have a chance to reach out and do that for others, and I feel it’s incumbent upon me to do so.

Because I’ve been there, man, I’ve fucking been there and came out the other side to a place of happiness, contentment, fulfillment, love, creativity, community, friendship and family.

And I can tell you that the first step in the pathway from suicidal to happy is raising your hand and asking for help.

That was what I was doing that day at my doctor’s office, and it made all the difference.

I was relieved to be driven through my neighborhood in the back of a police car, because I was starting to glimpse light coming through the cracks in the darkness. I was beginning to commit myself to living rather than dying.

I will continue this story throughout the month of May, and fill in more details as we go along.

If you are considering, or even planning, suicide, please raise your hand and ask for help. See your doctor. Find a therapist. Take those first steps.

I’ll have more steps for you as we move through this month…

Take care.

With love,

Verge