Five (5!) Reasons Why Donald Trump Is Literally Moloch

Donald Trump — or, as he is more commonly referred, “That Big Boy What Is The President Now, See” — has a big secret. In fact, we could even call it a secret of biblical proportions.

That’s right. Folks, let’s not beat around the bush. The Donald? More like The Μολώχ.

“We had the biggest crowd for our child sacrifice, they’re telling me, maybe ever.”

They’re both orange. Did you know that President Cheeto is an orange boy? I bet you didn’t. Look closer next time. It’s true. But you know what else is kind of orange, I guess? Brass. And I quote, from Moloch’s Wikipedia page referencing Rabbinical commentary on Jeremiah 7:31:

Tophet is Moloch, which was made of brass; and they heated him from his lower parts; and his hands being stretched out, and made hot, they put the child between his hands, and it was burnt; when it vehemently cried out; but the priests beat a drum, that the father might not hear the voice of his son, and his heart might not be moved.

That’s right, dear reader. Moloch is made of brass. Brass is kind of orange. Donny boy is orange. What else are they hiding? A Russian prostitute scandal? Plans to nuke the middle east? Oh right, I know.

They both eat children. Wow. Can you believe it? Of course everyone knows that Moloch is a Pagan god-figure regularly associated with ritual child sacrifice, but did you ever connect the dots to this famous Trump Twitter Blunder?

O. M. G.

Let’s see Sean Spicer try to talk his way out of this one.

In Leviticus, Moloch says “Please, call me Donald”. Folks, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I had completely forgotten this little tidbit from that one time I flipped through a copy of the Chumash at a thrift store. I had to go out and buy a freaking bible just to make sure this was true! But, believe you me, it’s there:

And the LORD sayeth: worship not idols, but rather me, your G-d, and the one known as MOLOCH is to be cast out, his altars burned, his worshippers castrated. And MOLOCH, of hearing this, responds: Please, call me Donald.

Leviticus 23:12. Wowzers. Just, wowzers.

Steve Bannon hates the Jews. We don’t need to talk about President Bannon. It’s done. Everyone knows. But did you know he’s also a raging anti-Semite?

Of course you did, because you’re a #woke #bae. But you know who else hates Jews?

That’s right. Moloch. Moloch was abandoned by the Israelites who moved on to worshipping the known Judeo-Christian “God”. Hmm. Bitter much?

UHH UHH UHH WHO IS MOLOCH?? You know, Stevie. You know.

Steve Bannon isn’t going to follow just any reincarnated pagan deity, okay kids? He’s going to follow fucking Moloch. And who does Bannon work for? Donald Trump. Get it now?

This is pretty easy to follow once you see all the pieces for what they are.

Wow. Spooky.

This. Just, this. How did we not see this coming? All those debates, all those rallies, everything — and it was sitting right in front of us. I am shook, folks. How are we going to get out of this? We need a hero.

Come back soon for my next hard-hitting piece, 73 Reasons Why Hillary Clinton Is Jesus, But A Lady, I Guess, Also, Why Wasn’t Jesus A Lady? Get It Together, Christianity.