Today would have been the 39th birthday of my big brother

My big brother, Cheng Wee, loved mee goreng. Mee goreng is a local Malay noodle dish that is spicy, salty and greasy, the kind of food that would give you a serious heart burn shortly after you consume it.

Every Sunday morning while we were in high school, Wee would sleep past noon, walk out to the neighborhood restaurant and buy 2 packs of extra-spicy mee goreng home. My other younger brother, Perng, and I would watch him gobble up the spicy noodle and wash it down with a large glass of water; his lips turned red and swollen while sweat profusely rolled down his face. It was a funny scene, really. We would laugh and did not understand why he continued to torture himself every week. Wee just ignored us and shook his head disapprovingly.

That was our big brother. He did what he wanted with the kind of stubbornness that also highlighted his non-negotiated integrity. He could care less if others found him anti-social and uncooperative. He disliked social obligations and did not need materialistic belongings to define his social status; As the oldest kid in the family, he assumed the big brother role seriously that also prevented him from participating in our childish games and silly jokes; He was shy and cautious, and only hung out with friends he really liked but somehow he had many female friends :)

I used to think we were polar opposites and could not understand why he was always disagreeing with me. For almost a year during high school, we fought constantly and barely spoke to each other.

But it was not always like that. We were close when we were little. My parents worked and the three of us often stayed home by ourselves. We played guns and swords and transformers; My hair was short and I refused to wear dresses until I was 4 or 5. Because I wanted be like my big brother.

We drifted apart as we grew older. In high school, I joined marching band and he joined the chess club. I wanted to beat him in chess but I never could. I was reckless and short-tempered; He was cautious and calm; I was rebellious and he rarely raised his voice. Though I fared well in school, he was the good kid and I was the troublemaker at home. As a boy, he got away with many house chores and I resented it.

He was the mirror that showed my imperfections.

Now I realized most of the time I was not fighting him, I was fighting against my imperfections and society expectations of girls.

Thank goodness we patched up. In the last nearly two decades, we saw each other once or twice a year. I lived in the States and he moved back to Malaysia after his studies in Canada. When I had a chance to visit Kuala Lumpur, he would go out of his way to be my chauffeur and treated me on every meal we had together.

He once took me to a roast pork restaurant tucked in a dingy street corner in Kuala Lumpur. He swore that was the best roast pork on planet earth and it was. What shocked me was the meal cost him nearly RM 100 (that’s 10 times more than you’d pay for a typical meal for two in Malaysia)! But to him, it was totally worth it. Probably because he was treating his sister who had been living overseas over the last 15 years some good authentic local food he also enjoyed.

In his funeral, I met many of Wee’s colleagues and friends and I was grateful to learn many untold stories of him. The stories were new but spoke nothing new about him. He was the most reliable colleague and trusting friend anyone could have.

It has been more than four months since he left us. There were good days and there were bad ones. There were days I forgot he was no longer here. My heart sank when I was reminded I could no longer see him again.

My sister-in-law, Nicole, displayed so much strength and grace in the last few months. I thank her for allowing us to mourn, carry on, laugh and celebrate his life. My care-free children remind me that a part of him was carried on through their hopeful lives. My son smiles like his big uncle, shy but keen.

For lunch today, I ate a plate of mee goreng, extra spicy, to celebrate his would-have-been 39th birthday. Oh it was damn good.

Happy birthday, ko (big bro).