Looking back — 2015

It’s the second of January of the New Year (yes, I have to capitalize for the sake of capitalizing), and I don’t have anything else SUPER pressing to work on (the stack of shit I have to work on right beside me probably begs to differ), so I might as well reflect on the past year, and set myself a framework for the year that has come.

This year can largely summarized by a group of verbs. Verbs that can be reciprocated to both myself, and unto others. I’ve upsetted, been upset, broken, been broken, happy, caused happiness.

I guess the overarching theme of everyone’s year on some macro level can really be boiled down to loss and love. I’ve loved working with others, I’ve loved spending time with friends and family. I’ve lost some of the unwieldy ego that I was characteristically known for, and I’ve lost some good friends along the way. Most of all, I’ve realized how transient, dynamic, short, unforgiving life is. I think I’ve finally started to learn the gravity and the levity of it. I see my parents weakening, becoming tired, visibly feeling the effects of age on their flesh and bones. I look back at the short year that came before this, and am shocked at how much I’ve done and have yet to do in the days and months and years coming. Moving on and moving up and gaining years is so exciting yet inexplicably scary. Yes, aging and growing up is inevitable, but when the markers of years start creeping up in my life and in the people I love and admire…it’s hard to not imagine the worst every day.

So I’ve learnt of the gravity and levity of life. I’ve yet to fully accept the consequences of it. That’s something I hope I don’t have to learn so quickly.

I’ve also lost. In all senses of the word. I’ve lost placements, competitions, trust, validity, friends (probably more so temporarily than permanently), relationships. I know now how it feels to lose gracefully and lose painfully. I know how to lose but still remain in touch, and I know how even staying in touch can result in loss. I know how to come to terms with loss… a little. I’ve still much to learn.

I’d like to think I’ve also learnt to learn. I worked probably the hardest I have worked in any given semester. I learnt, kind of, what works for me and what doesn’t. I learnt, for instance, sleeping in until past midday is not the best. I’ve also learnt, for instance, staying up until past midnight is probably not the best either, but not as bad as the former. I still have to perfect the art of prioritizing, not procrastinating. I hope I can do that, and reach the academic success I want to reach at the halfway point of this year. I hope I learn how to be a Good Big Adult. I want to learn how to work better and smarter, with and without others. I no longer think I am the be-all and the end-all, and I’m now more careful about things I do (selectively, it seems). I’ve learnt to hesitate. I no longer snark and stare and steal… at least I hope I don’t.

I want to learn how to be more dependable and less dependent. I want to learn how to study better and smarter, argue better and smarter, run better and smarter. I want to learn. Learn, learn, learn. I have still to learn so, so much. I hope I can learn as much as I want to.

Loneliness. Another big L word that can be attributed to facets of almost everyone’s life. Mom recently said to us that she was extremely lonely this year. I worry. I worry that she won’t have people around her at times that she really needs help and support. I worry that her life is devoid of human touch that she so craves. I worry that, even though now I relish solitude and the state of being alone, it’ll count against me sooner rather than later. I worry. I worry that the way I live my life will come back to me and bite me in the behind. I worry that I won’t have time, and won’t ever be able to make amends, before the time comes that I’m truly alone in the world.

There’s plenty to remedy and change and learn and do in the New Year. I need to be reminded to call home and call Betty each week. I have to be reminded to take my meds and work out daily — I think that one’s well underway, my body is talking to me loud enough. I need to read more. I need to learn more. I need to see more. I need to meet more. I need to talk less, and listen more. I need to learn to manage. I need to work smarter and harder in school, and play smarter and play harder. Most of all, I need to enjoy the now and this very moment before it slips away from me in a second. I want to care for, and love, the people in my life, and the things that I am able to do in the position that I am able to be in right now. I want to love, love, love. Love like my parents love me, true, deep, unrequited, loud, love.

One thing I really want to do, is learn what I do better at and really work on strengthening them. I want to really work on my humility, my sometimes uber-confidence, my trust, my putting-money-where-my-mouth-is. I want to really be kickass. I want to reflect more and understand more and shut my mouth and listen more. I want to make memories for myself and create memories for others.

It’s going to be a good year. I love you, the people I love. With you, I can do whatever the FUCK I want to.