Date One: The Indoor Gardener

Having had successful Tinder dates in the past, I turned to the app for my first date of the dating series.

His attractive Tinder profile had me swiping right without hesitancy. His (somewhat speedy) drink offer was gleefully accepted due to his textual wit and charm… I honestly thought I had this one in the bag.

We met at Camden Town station, he lives in the area so I suggested he show me somewhere nice as I hadn’t been to Camden in years. Banana-in-hand (I was starving from the gym so picked up a banana from the grocery stall opposite the station as I waited), I walked back across the road to hear a distinct:

“Veronica!”

This man was shorter than I expected.
This man was much less attractive than I expected.
This man was not the tall, dark and handsome charmer I had in mind.

A quick intake of breath and I decided to give this shorter, less attractive version a chance.

Walking towards his pub of choice — not quite the classy cocktail bar I had hoped for — he was proving to be quite witty, perhaps this wasn’t to go so badly. And after a half hour chatting in the pub it wasn’t so bad after all, I had had quite a few laughs and was quite at ease. Although I still had no clue what he did for a living and it seemed he was avoiding the subject.

So when I found a lull in conversation, I asked indirectly;

“So what is it that you do with your days?”

He shifted uncomfortably, got in a muddle with his words and eventually blurted out an array of words and phrases which I pieced together: he recently quit his job because he hated being behind a desk, now he wants to open his own gallery so he is saving money to buy a gallery space.

He then promptly stated:

“Don’t ask how I’m saving.”

There was a stark seriousness to his tone and it quickly got very uncomfortable so I tried to make a joke; I playfully rolled my eyes and said…

“Oh, drug dealing!”

With one of those, ‘not again’ tones. I was joking.
I was completely and utterly joking, because I thought it was so far from the truth it would be a humorous thing to say.

He stared at me.

I was startled.
I could not believe it.
I must’ve been staring open-mouthed, because he was quick to try and make amends.

“Well, you know, I’ve also been doing some gardening recently.”

Thank the lord, a change of subject. I told him my brother used to garden and that he used to really enjoy it, found it therapeutic. He chortled and said “Yeah… good money too”

Really? In gardening? Blissfully unaware, I asked, intrigued if gardening was really that big a thing in London.

He replied, “Indoor gardens are.”

Still clueless, I asked him what he meant. He said that if I watched the news I’d know what kind of gardens he was talking about. I thought back to an article I recently read in the Metro about an eco-gardening group of people who grew gardens indoors. Naively, I accepted his indoor gardens claim and moved the subject on.

It was only as I sat and jotted this down on the train home did I realise.

Oh and it gets better:

• After discovering that I am currently on placement working in Tax for an accountancy firm, he genuinely asked me the best way to deposit a large amount of cash in a bank without seeming suspicious. I laughed and said I once heard that it would be best to open a fake shop. He said he already tried that.
• I now also know that he has a money laundering friend in South Africa whose girlfriend doesn’t realise that the pair of them moved to Africa to “clean his dirty money” — as he so elegantly put it
• He still lives with his Dad and he’s 25, and no, not in the adorable way like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. No, in a “I’m dealing drugs to make some money, what other way can I save money, oh yeah I’ll live with Dad”-way
• He had this peculiar way of prematurely ending sentences. I’d pause, giving him time to finish, only to realise he was done. We’d then both be left in this weird silence that was neither awkward nor comfortable until one of us could think of something to say

What else… ah yes, he told me about another of his Tinder dates who, and I’ll quote;

“She was really standoffish, she immediately put her bag between us when we sat down, it’s not like I was going to try and finger her.”

He laughed.
I didn’t.

I could not make this stuff up even if I tried.

We then talked about what we did that day, I explained that I had come from the gym to meet him, he asked if I wore those sexy gym clothes. I don’t know if you know this but no one should ever use the word sexy seriously. Never. And he used it on more that one occasion.

After an hour and a half of playing a part in this dreadful comedy, I made an excuse to leave and legged it to the station the moment we said our goodbyes.

All in all a bloody fantastic First First Date.

Lord I hope they’re not all like this.