And I’m going to be a single mother
This is the first message Pim sent to my Wechat, after one and half year we barely talked when she left China.
Pim is one of my friends from Thailand and we used to hang out a bit with other international ones together a few years ago while they were all in Shanghai. She’s a very warm and happy girl at age around 25. Every time we met up, she would give me a super tight hug with a big smile. Oh, that smile … heart melting !
I was surprised that after a while we haven’t talked, she sent me this message out of blue.
“It was a mistake. But whatever happened, it happened. And life is life.” Pim said.
I was stuck in sending out a message to respond her. I didn’t know how to feel at that moment and some memories came into my mind which I thought they were all erased.
After 5 minutes, I asked “what’s the story?”
“I took pills for 10 years and didn’t know how I got pregnant. The guy I love asked me to take it out and he said I could only choose between him and baby. And we planned to get married in June but he bailed out. He’s not ready to be a dad.” Pim kept talking “I still love him. But we don’t contact anymore. He vanished and all I can do is going back home in Thailand.”
“That’s too bad Pim. But are you sure you want to have this baby without a father?” I asked.
“Yes!” So firmly she answered, “I am old enough to think it through. I got abortion once when I was 16. My religion said it was very bad when I was 16 years old I did not want to get abortion too but guy just refused to make fake engagement. And I could not do anything. I felt guilty what I did before. Mistake happened from what I did, I should be responsible for it. Kid is innocent…just 9 months it will be human who has legal right. But now it has heartbeat has brain…just waiting to breathe. I haven’t started to work and never be responsible for anything even study. But this time I got to be responsible.”
I was shocked she could be that determined for a new life. “You are strong. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to face this kind of shitty situation.”
“No. I’m very very scared. I’m not ready at all. But I have to do it. Now I start to record all the moments that baby grows so that he could understand how much I love him and he is my everything. When he grows up, he will find out all these moments.” Pim said.
So shitty situation, but so strong faith in love and new life. She said she won’t regret it and she’s about to accept the life changing.
Pim is stronger than I thought she is. And she’s more positive to embrace the life changing and now she already started to plan more details for the new life.
“Don’t let religion controls you Pim, unless you feel you really want this child.” I said.
“No, I don’t. And I want to have this baby. And I will be a good single mother.”
“Bye bye my freedom life hah.” Pim laughed from tearing.
There’s a moment, we are facing the life changing. We were very confused, scared and felt not ready at all. We were so angry about ourselves and even hated the decision we made.
I have no idea how Pim found me and shared her life changing story with me. But it’s just like a reminder to wake me up from the memories asleep.
A while ago, I thought I got pregnant from a night which I was not proud of. My period was not coming and late for more than one week. That week was like in hell and I couldn’t sleep. I felt so depressed from the potential fact that I’m going to be a single mother unprepared in total. I questioned myself how could I deal with a baby with his/her father I barely know.
When I was facing the life changing moment, I cried, I regretted and I feel panic.
I recalled when my friend once asked me years ago, “if you incidentally carry a baby what will you do?” I said, of course I will have this baby and be a single mother. I think I can handle it.
But in fact, I realized I couldn’t. That moment, I put myself into a single mother role, I found out that I really couldn’t.
Those hard moments make me realize that I’m not mature enough to handle all the hard times and unexpected future I was not prepared for. But I have to step up and take responsibilities when it really happens. Those hard times make me grow and make me feel as a human being again.
It’s ok to be panic and scared when something happen to us unprepared. And when it happened, we got to be brave to make the next move.
But life taught me a lesson that we should be more responsible for ourselves and it’s also ok to take the baby steps to learn what’s the best decision to make. And don’t make decisions too easily which you know it would go wrong. Loving and protecting ourselves more instead of using youth as an excuse to consume a potential unprepared damages in our lives.
We grow from the mistakes. But we also grow from choosing to not make mistakes.