A Letter To My Hurting 19 Year Old Self…

I don’t know where to start I’m upset at everyone and everything. I’m mad at the world. I’m hurt by everyone. Why? you ask…well I am not sure why. Here’s the thing, yes I did make stupid decisions and choices but I am a teenager what else am I supposed to do? I was so good for so long it was meant to be, do you get me? I don’t know why I have so much anger and hurt inside of me…maybe it’s because they didn’t accept J when I was with him. Maybe it’s because he ruined the trust between us after we broke up. I’m not sure, maybe its because T told me so many wonderful things and I believed into his lies. T is no doubt a great guy and would have been perfect for me, but then again he was older he knew more than I did from life and had been through a lot. I just don’t get why tell me things, you don’t mean? Like why did T have to say he really “cares” for me when in fact and in reality he never did. He never wanted me for who I was or am. That sucks, but that’s life isn’t it? I just don’t get life anymore……I just don’t know what I want. Actually I do know what I want but I don’t know how to get it back. I want my life back from before J stepped into the picture. I was happy, had no problems and I was very godly. What happened to me? I’m not myself and I know that, but if I am changing then I really wasn’t myself. I’m just simply becoming who I was meant to be. Right? In life you live and you learn. Right now I am learning, and learning A LOT. But right now I don’t need my family down my throat 24/7. I’m just sick of people telling me what to do and what I can’t say or act. I’m 19, not 2. I can handle my choices and I can handle my decisions. If I need help then I would ask. I wouldn’t just sit and suffer. All I want is to be happy again. I want my parents to trust me again and let me do me. I don’t need to be babysat, I’m a big girl, and everyone in this damn family thinks I’m like 15 and can’t make choices on my own. Yes, granted some are very stupid that I have chosen but I am learning from them. If people would stop and get off of my nut sack maybe then I would cool down and maybe then I would slowly open up, but right now I can’t see that happening. So after that I didn’t open up to anyone. For a long time. I don’t even know how I am supposed to meet a husband if I can’t trust anyone except myself. I don’t trust anyone because everyone is fake. How am I supposed to feel loved if I can’t put my walls down? How am I supposed to feel love if I can’t even love myself and the people around me? Please tell me how am I supposed to find a true real man if there is none out there. I’m going to keep to myself now. Not let anyone in. Not let anyone through my walls. Oh and my walls are up high, so good luck to the man who wants to break though them because that my friend is going to be a real challenge. There comes a point in life when I don’t need to be protected and I will need to learn on myself. My man is going to have to know that he is going to have to go though hell in order to be with me. I don’t know if any one will be able to go trough that. I just need a friend right now, I’m not looking for a boyfriend.”

Above is my rambling letter that I wrote when I was 19,and going through one difficult time in life. I never thought I would get out of it. It was hell. I was hurting, badly. It was always so dark for me. I never saw light, in anything. I was always angry. Never wanted to be around anyone. I wanted to be alone but someone to fight for me. That was the thing…So here is the letter I’m writing now to my 19yr old self.

Breath, Veyda. I am really sorry for being hard on you sometimes and probably causing you pain with my harsh words. But my words are only the frustration that I feel when I think that you are stuck on the hurts of the past. Don’t be stuck. Move, Keep going. You can get through this. You will get through this. Workout, meditate, color, sing, do something that will distract your hurting and change it for the better and change it into good energy. I really want you to understand that there is at least one person that cares about you: ME. I don’t want anything from you. I don’t want anything in return.

Well, actually I do.

I want you to be happy! I love the sound of your laughter! I long to hear it every day! Don’t you miss being happy? I want you to realize what a great person you are! You are not perfect! Nobody is! But among all your imperfections you shine! You have so many great things about yourself, such as honesty, generosity, compassion, giving, and so much more. You have morals and you do your best to live by them. What I appreciate the most is the way that you present yourself to me: real, caring, and sensitive. I want you to make peace with the hurt in the past and leave the past in the past! You don’t want to be that ugly person who can’t control their feelings. Yes, you did get hurt. Your heart was shattered but if you wait a few months you’ll run into someone who will gracefully mend it back together again. He will love it, nurture it, and bring it back to life. Trust him. I know it’s going to be hard but trust him. He will fix you and love you. At that age no girl should be thinking her life is over, and that all that has happened would destroy her…guess what? You were stronger than that Veyda ! Whatever you do, do not fear your future. Keep moving forward.