Very though provoking and well done. I appreciate when these all too common maladies, for lack of a better word, see the light of day. There is too much hidden suffering where there does not need to be. Kudos on your frankness and vulnerability. I went through a similar thing a few years ago in my mid-40s but in this case I fell in love with a superlative and beautiful friend of my wife’s. About 1 1/2 years prior, my early 30s wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer. At the time of the disease’s discovery, our relationship (10 years) and marriage (3 years) was about as strong as I could have imagined or hoped for. I vowed to serve her 24/7 as her devoted and loving caregiver and did just that until the moment she passed in my arms about 1 1/2 years later. The experience was soul crushing and exhausting beyond anything I could have imagined with numerous instances in the E.R. when I did not know if I would lose her that specific night. My closest explanation for the experience is my wife and I were imprisoned with a death sentence (hers) for a crime we did not commit. Yea, the whole thing was a mind screw as well. I took comfort and solace in the kindness and warmth my wife’s friend exhibited towards me. It was always platonic, always respectful and she honored not only our relationship but also her already boring-as- hell marriage, only one year in duration. More than likely she had no idea how infatuated I was with her; upon meeting her for the first time, I felt reborn after being in the deepest depths of depression 1 year into my wife’s situation. During too many quiet nights, I stayed up alone till the wee hours ruminating on our fate while my wife slept in the next room wiped out from the treatments and generalized stress. Sometimes, I allowed myself moments of relief and gravitated to daydreaming again of a life of laughter, love, comfort, affection and mutually enriching partnership. The fantasy (and my unrealistic connecting all the dots from one meeting to the next with my crush of her potential feelings for me) allowed me to recharge just enough to bring my best to the caregiving role for one more day and then another day and another. I was damned and vilified behind my back by people who found out after the fact of my deep adoration for the other woman, which only strengthened after my wife died. So be it, let others walk a day in my shoes knowing they will definitely lose their soulmate only a few years into an extraordinary marriage and then tell me how one plans to cope. I had no owner’s manual on this journey and did the best I could trying to preserve my physical, mental, and emotional well being. Thankfully, although I will never be able to explain to this incredible life saver and kind soul all she did for me, I found Medium right after my wife died and was able to explore and archive my rarefied feels for the young woman. After most of my adult life being a believer in strict black and white, I now know how much grey there is in life and relationships. Our hearts are too big and dynamic to love just one person. Having been through what I have been through, marriage without some flexibility is foolhardy and destined for failure in most circumstances. The restrictions and strict definitions instituted in relationships are damaging, limiting and downright unnatural. Thanks again and for letting me go on and on about one inconsequential man’s soul searching trials. Be well.