You just got married na?

So I got married last year and I must confess that life has been extremely different ever since. Every aspect of my life has changed. Like, I have to now wake up and brush my teeth first thing in the morning, wash my hands after peeing and even lower the seat after my performance which never ever requires me to remain seated.

It is a pretty weird that people think you can’t even be upset for a second when you are in the first year of your marriage. It definitely is. Because that my friend doesn’t happen. Ever. When I mean ‘Ever’, I do include the Punjabis in my statement.

Marriage is an institution where people argue, fight, play, joke about and even enjoy stuff that you would otherwise do with different individuals. Of course, the only difference being your enemy is considerate enough to not force you to take them out for dinner after an argument.

Having said that, if you are newly married, buggers around you will relate every freaking thing to your marriage. Few weeks back, I told my friend that I am having a bad day. He politely asked me if all is well with my married life. Okay to give him the benefit of the doubt, I was being vague. But then when a colleague who hasn’t spoken to you since the time you got a better appraisal rating than him texts you saying

‘Dude where did you go for your honeymoon?’
Me: Langawi
Him: Dude but I didn’t see the pics of Facebook. Any problem kya?

This is the point when the Chutiya inside you wants to tear him apart. But the all you can say is a weak ‘Ha ha. Good one dude.’

But then how thoughtful of you to think that my defence mechanism against having a shitty married life is not to post my honeymoon pictures on Facebook.

However stupid it may sound, this got me thinking. Being a part of the male community, thinking is indeed a difficult task. Because when you think, it opens up many options. When you have options, most times, you have only one right answer. And we men can’t function with that much negativity. Got the negativity joke out. He he. Now without digressing much, I will get back to the point. I then decided to call my wife hoping that she would help.

With a loud cheer, she announced, ‘So glad you remembered’ even before she said hello. Now any married man will tell you that ‘So glad you remembered’ roughly translates to ‘You are so screwed’ if you don’t actually remember.

But giving up has never been in my blood, so I play along hoping against hope.

‘You thought I would forget right?’, I pull off an angry line whilst being shit scared inside.
‘No baba, I know you will at least remember this much.’
‘How sweet. Okay tell me something, why do couples fight? ‘
‘They fight because one of them lies. Because one of them forgets. Because one of them pretends.’
I don’t get it.
Okay baba, let’s say you don’t remember what day it is tomorrow. Oh shit. Oh wait. What does tomorrow, April 24th, signify?

After a couple of nervous seconds, I couldn’t believe my luck, ‘Sachin Tendulkar’s birthday’ I beamed.

But you know how women are right? Instead of appreciating me for remembering a cultural and national event, all she could do was to point out and hurt me for not remembering a minor family event.

Still can’t remember what it signifies.

*Calls up mom*

Mom, your daughter in law is not talking to me because I forgot a stupid date.

‘Why are doing like this. What happened da? Any problem? You just got married na.’

But then this isn’t all. You can walk up to any person who knows that you are newly married and tell anything that that Navjot singh Sidhu would, and still they would be like — Don’t worry bro, you just got married na.

Like say to your friends,

Bro, I am feeling extremely tired.

Understandable dude you just got married na (with a Tharki grin).

To your doctor,

Doctor, I am getting mouth ulcer quite often. Can you suggest an ointment?

Son you just got married na. It will get okay in sometime.

Then with an epiphany, I realised one thing. ‘You just got married na’ is the Sanskaari version of saying ‘You must be having a great deal of unsankaari sex na.’

So next time you are going to relate anything to someone’s married life, I am going to find you and shove this article up yours! Peace. Okay guys, got to go. Can’t spend too much time on an article, newly married na. 🙂

PS: Originally published on http://www.alterhumor.com/