AMORES RUINS (Bad Love)- fragment#02

I tried to kill time as it seemed to be the key to all my unanswered questions. “Is the present the only truth we have?” , free from all the illusions and colors of our imagination. “Or is present nothing but the moment where the past and future touch each other?”, I couldn’t help remembering a Buddhist saying I’ve read somewhere that says “each moment only once”. Sounds a little cheap but truth can be cheap sometimes. “Wanna a cigarette?” the guy with a beautiful smile asked me. There, the moment was gone. “ I don’t smoke”, I said. “ I didn’t ask if you smoke, I asked if you wanna cigarette”, he smiled again .I took the cigarette from his hand and took a long puff. Well, yes, I ended up in his bed as you might have already guessed: we fucked and it was good — definitely different — but I left before he woke up. I had to go home. I had somebody else waiting for me there. “I’m such a fuck up! What the hell am I doing? I am a lesbian for God’s sake!”, got in the subway trying to make sense of this huge mess I had become for a while now: a mess that probably began the day I was born even though I just had to deal with it now that I turned twenty eight and I feel like shit. All I can think about is the empty room of my house before I left this evening: my life as knew it slowly dissolving like sand between my fingers… “ Love is easy, relationships are hard”, the problem of trying to rationalize our hearts in simple equations — like time, distance, space, all so fucking relative… Really, let’s not go there. “I need an act, one single act of love towards her as words have failed me again…”, pancakes, fresh juice and flowers for breakfast, “She is tired, she’s been always so tired lately…”, yes, breakfast will do, it will be a start, a crack on the wall so that the light can pass through again.

**Amores ruins (Bad love) is the book I am currently working on. A selection of short stories about love when it doesn’t go so well, ends or doesn’t happen. This one is based on the characters I created to a feature film, yet to be written, called Saturn’s Return. The book is in Portuguese so here is just a fragment I translated to English.

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