A story of my burnout.
Did you know that 83% of developers suffer from burnout? Yeap. You read it right — 83%. I didn’t know. The last two years had an extra cherry on top (the global pandemic), which probably increased this number. However, this number wasn’t low even before that.
This is one of the biggest elephants in the software development room. A lot of people know about it. Apparently, almost everybody experienced it at some point (to different degrees). People start talking about it. However, it is still infrequent to acknowledge it in public.
Flashback…
I stare at the code, trying to figure out what to do with it. This would typically take 15 minutes of coding without even breaking a sweat. But instead, it takes me a whole day, pushing myself to the limit, to get it done.
I struggle to get my brain to produce any results except the deep feeling of disgust for the code, work, and, finally myself. All of this is nicely sprinkled with debilitating anxiety.
The only thing that I want is to crawl into the dark corner and scream for everybody to leave me alone.
Just remembering that time (several years ago) makes me tense, and I start grinding my teeth.
Yeap… It was a “fun” year back then, wading through burnout.
Let me go back to where it all started.
I was part of a tiny startup. We did reasonably well on the technology side. However, the business side was problematic. We got some traction, but not enough to raise the next round. As a result, we were running out of money. ( BTW. This is a classic story of the huge amount of startups )
The last nine months of the startup were tough. We were running not just on fumes but on leftovers of fumes.
However, while doing this, we needed to continue pushing forward. And I am not talking about just normal push forward, but a scenario when any conversation with a customer, potential investor, or partner company can give us a lifeline or bring doom to our startup.
My head was spinning in a cycle between — fixing bugs, implementing something new, talking to customers with a big wide smile, deploying, releasing, and monitoring. Doing all of this, all the while thinking about whether I am doing this for nothing and whether we will crash and burn after the long struggle. Add to that some level of financial concerns and work-unrelated worries, and you will get a pretty dangerous mix.
This all concluded with some high-stakes negotiation that stretched over three months of uncertainty until the startup’s last days (when it was acquired).
The end of the startup led to some reprieve. However, it was brief and immediately switched to the next high-stakes / high-pressure assignment within the company that acquired the startup. And that’s when burnout hit me like a ton of bricks.
I reread my description above, where I lay things out as a matter of fact. However, it doesn’t truly give justice to the amount of pressure built up in my head (BTW. The key passage is “in my head”). I can imagine another person taking all of these in stride.
I am not sure my writing skills are good enough to truly depict my state back then. It was like a never-stopping whirlwind of dark thoughts and worries. It was in my head from the moment when I opened my eyes to the moment when I fell asleep. It reverberated through all facets of my life (splashing to my family, friendship, and hobbies).
The burnout was absolutely uncontrollable and unpredictable. There was no tell-tell sign that I was approaching it.
You know, there is a thing called metal fatigue. Something may look fine (with some micro-crack growing) until it gets bent entirely out of shape/breaks in an instant. This was pretty much me.
It’s common to push yourself beyond the normal limit for some time. However, when you do this constantly day in and out, without a stop, it will exhaust your physical and mental reserves. And each of us, I repeat, each of us has some limit. We just don’t know it, and maybe pushing one more day will make you stronger, or perhaps it will be the last proverbial straw.
And trying to tease apart why it happened to me.
- I cared too much (because I am wired that way and because of the financial upside/downside associated with a startup). As a result, I worked a lot and thought about the startup even more.
- I am predisposed to anxiety (both culturally and it looks like there is a genetic component too)
- The situation was out of my control ( I could have negatively affected it, but I had very little influence on the positive outcome)
- The pressure was building up. A slight misstep in the routine situation could lead to a bad outcome.
- And the final straw was that I didn’t have a chance to rest/recover after the startup and dived into the next high-pressure situation.
It took me probably a year to recover to an ok state. Please notice I am not saying fully recover and be like new. I am saying get back to the ok state. I don’t think I will ever be the same as before burnout. (BTW. And frankly, I would not want that because it can/will lead to another burnout).
I ended up in an unbelievably dark place. On the one hand, as I wrote, I had a lot of predisposition for this. On the other hand, again, I would guess how bad it would be back then.
Pretty much I got to the point of talking to a therapist because what was happening in my head was absolutely unsustainable. So talking to a therapist + giving it some time helped, and I recovered very gradually (over a year).
Looking back, one of the tough things is that I was trying to keep the facade (which I could barely do). Hey… we all professional here. We should behave professionally at work. So, no mushy (especially negative) emotions at work. Right? (sad smile)
As a result, most of the people around me weren’t probably even aware (except that I may seem to them darker/moodier and way more risk-averse).
Hell… My head was so screwed up that I didn’t even realize that it was burnout. It took me a while until my head was clear enough to look at myself objectively and understand what was happening.
And one thing that I hate about it. There is still a stigma around mental illness in general and burnout (as a lightweight version of it). People are not talking about it too much. It’s not always clear what to do, how to talk about it, and to whom. And you have to navigate it somehow when your head is not thinking straight.
I wrote a big chunk of this article almost a year ago (when all these events were closer). However, I have never had the strength to complete it. It’s amazing that just remembering these times sucks the air out of me.
There are multiple things that I learned back then. And I paid a lot for this damn lesson.
- I thought that at work, I was bulletproof. I was damn wrong.
- I experienced firsthand what it means to have a mental illness.
- No money in the world will make me come even close to where I can experience it a second time. (As a result, I tuned down work-related activities from 11 (out of 10) to 7–8 (out of 10)
- I became more tolerant of people (who deliver less) at work. It felt like just pure intellectual laziness before and after I realized that there are things that you can’t force by sheer will. (I am still not jumping out and down when people do a bad job, but I understand that not everybody should/can/want to sacrifice themself at work).
- I talked to several people on the same trajectory as me to take it (a bit more) easy. I don’t think I thoroughly explained how I felt, but I was trying to caution them. I think I was heard, but I don’t think I can truly convey my firsthand experience.
That’s my story…
On recovery
I thought long and hard about what is good to facilitate recovery. I think you can draw an analogy with breaking a leg.
- First of all, you need immediate relief. Your leg (head) can’t recover if you apply the same amount of pressure to it as usual. You need to seriously dial it back (especially if you are a workaholic like I was). Let me repeat. If you broke a leg, you (and other people) should have zero expectations of you running in a marathon, sprint, or running at all. Walking with crutches should be the expectation.
- It will take time. You can’t cure your broken leg by taking one wellness day off or even three weeks’ vacation. Like a broken leg, it will take months (not weeks). So, expect to stay in this dialed-back state for a while.
- Talk to a therapist. (Looking back, I am not super happy with my choice and experience with a therapist. However, even an imperfect match will help you. Just having somebody who is clear-headed and detached while emphatic helps a lot).
- Spend more time on things that are antithetical to your work. (For example, it ended up being martial arts for me, which immensely helped me to concentrate on the body vs. mind).
- You will need to discuss this with your manager. And I would recommend being very explicit that you are experiencing burnout and must take it easy for a while. (Your manager won’t be jumping up and down, but without you explicitly spelling it out, they can only guess what is going on with you). BTW. This was my big mistake of not doing it and trying to keep a “facade” for a long time).
- You need to start exercising your leg (head) when you get better. Doing what you did before will cause pain. And like Pavlov’s dog, you will associate it with your profession. Doing work will start equating to pain, and you will hate it (even if you loved it before). And, like with a broken leg, you need to increase your workload gradually. Continue to do simple things, do work-related things which are more enjoyable (to counterbalance the pain). And only progressively increase workload, get into more complex/higher pressure projects.
- All I described above is what I believe is a good way to recover. I totally understand that navigating this with your head in a bad place is hard. BTW. This is the reason why you may need a therapist. They can help you to figure out how to tackle it. Also, not all employers will be happy to accommodate the needs (and unfortunately, I don’t have a good solution for you here).
I think that’s it. No summary. Just a wish for you to stay physically and mentally healthy.
